Being 'made' to look for employment but heart not really in it :(

[Alishanty]

I haven't worked since I was pg with my first child (now 4.5). I did have a couple of jobs before this after I left uni but in customer service/admin roles, ok but not my dream job or anything. tbh don't know what my dram job would be. We now have a 2.5 yr old aswell. For the past couple of yrs, since we moved to another area my dp has struggled to find work. He had a temp job last yr but it ended after a few mths as he was no longer required. Now, out of desperation and to prevent dp being put on another pointless new Deal course we decided (or was it dp that decided?!) that I should be the one to sign on and look for work. I am not totally against this but tbh I don't really want to work full time or weekends/strange hrs because of the dcs. However, the job centre have said that because I have dp around to look after them I can't be too picky, if i was a single parent I could be more choosy. The thing is, i know I would still have to do alot of the things to do with the dc, I have had to take them to the job centre for intance, something he never had to do when he was signing on. He says he is still looking for work but tbh the pressure is on me. If my dd was at school I would feel better about it but tbh I resent the fact that single parents and people with partners can work part time and I could be forced into a full time job and miss out on time with my dd. Because of this and the fact that although I have school/uni qualifications, I have had no training since I left uni, haven't got much experience (apart from admin roles) and don't really know what I want to do I feel stuck in a rut and get quite stressed and despondent about it. My family don't help, I know they look down on my dp for not having a job (I haven't admitted he lost his last one) and they probably would more so if I ended up working full time and supporting the family. Sorry to sound like I'm moaning, I will work for my family's sake if I have to, I just don't know where to go from here. I have applied for jobs, had one interview which I didn't get and plenty of rejections. Does anyone know if I would be allowed to work pt and have tax credits to top up? that seems like a reasonable option to me and then hopefully dp could get a pt job to fit in around the dcs?

Hi sorry to hear you're struggling with this. I can totally empathise with you as I am the one who works, although I suppose I cannot complain as we always knew that it would have to be me to carry on working as I earn much more than my partner could. However, since having DD who is now 10wks old I really resent having to work. I have been back part time since she was 6 wks, despite the fact I had EMCS and she was recently diagnosed with silent reflux and I feel like I'm really missing out. My employer has been a nightmare, really pushing me to do more and more all the time and making me feel like I'm not doing enough even though I'm now averaging 25-30 hours per week. I must admit I am now considering whether we should just sell our house and rent or something instead as we'd only have about £25-£30k equity in our house so wouldn't be able to afford to buy again with average wages in our area being so low compared to house prices.

Anyway sorry for rambling.... onto your query! I believe you could work part time and have tax credits as a top up - in fact apparently there are a lot of jobs out there that are only part time as I heard a report recently whereby most people, even if they want full time work are only able to find part time work at the moment. As you say this would not mean you missing out so much and also if you DP could also find something part time with different hours it could work out better that way. Good luck - it is really tough out there when trying to look for work, don't be surprised if it takes quite a lot of applications wihtout getting anywhere.

Also, hope the family become a little more supportive and stop looking down on your partner - it's tough out there! xxx

"I resent the fact that single parents and people with partners can work part time and I could be forced into a full time job and miss out on time with my dd."

What an attitude to have!

Good luck with finding part-time work that fits around your children, brings in enough income and meets with your extended family's approval of what is worthy of your time.

Presumably there is no reason you can't work. You just don't want to. afaik you can take a part time job and be topped up with tax credits.
Why do you have to take your dc with you to the job centre? Your dh should be pulling his weight too, especially if he's not out working

I don't think you'll have to worry about missing time with your DCs if you get a job. Any interviewer with an ounce of sense will be able to tell that you don't really want to work, and you won't be offered a job in the first place.

OP, its not really the job centres fault that your DP is not able/willing to take full responsibility for your DCs while you are working.

Perhaps might be worth discussing with DP what your expectations of him are if you take on the role of sole earner - of course you should not be expected to do everything.

I do sympathise with you wanting to spend time with your DCs, but this is more to do with issues with your DP, not a flaw in the system, which is rightly more flexible for single parents.

Sorry, but you both sound like wasters. Him more than you because it sounds like he expects you to work FT and do everything else as well.

Why did you agree to sign on?

I think I'd get shot of your 'partner', he sounds like a loser who's bringing you down.

Trouble is, lone parents have to go on JSA once they're youngest is 5 next year, so eventually, you're going to have to work.

It's a sad reality for most of us.

Agree with the others here pointing out - why should 2 able bodied people be funded by the state to stay at home or 1 working part time? I can understand that you envy others in seemingly "better" situations (e.g. single parents being able to work part time) but this is due to the neccesity of their situations.

honestly - it sounds like neither of you wants to work to pay for your household and you just expect the benefits pot to pick up the tab for your lifestyle choices. There are many people in a much less fortunate position than you feeling the effects of benefit cutbacks, families with disabilities, etc. Instead of moaning about how the system won't pay for your life CHOICES, look at your relationship and ask yourself why you would still do most of the household work/child care if you were working and your DH was not/look at why he's not keeping his jobs.

the problem isn't the system. it's you and your family - and all the families out there like you.

I am not totally against this but tbh I don't really want to work full time or weekends/strange hrs because of the dcs.

Welcome to the world most other working parents live under.

also to add about this bit of the OP: "I could be forced into a full time job and miss out on time with my dd" - of course you should be made to.

there's a difference between not wanting to work and applying yourself, gaining the experience better roles might demand with little steps and help from the job centre. honestly, your post has made me royally fecked off when i've just re-read your OP and compared your outlook compared to my own sister, whose husband works all the hours God sends them, and she wants to work more than 2 days a week but can't afford the extra childcare her hours would need.

frgr, what an unhelpful answer to the OP's dilemma. She doesn't seem to have much of a 'CHOICE' as you suggest. She is disadvantaged because she has a crap partner. She is willing to work - she said so, but she knows that she will end up doing everything in the home too. It's bloody unfair - I sympathise.

Her DP needs to get off his ar**. He should be out looking for work, why is he sending her out? She already has a crucial job to do - looking after her kids!

I think it's pretty unfair to attack OP for wanting to stay with the dcs during these tender years. She does not warrant such a vitriolic attack. (I don't agree with her resentment of single parents however.)

In my mind, no mother should be made to leave their child and go and seek work, while the child is under 3. There have been scientific studies done on the negative effect of prolonged child care. I mean, why did we all have kids if we are going to farm them out to strangers as soon as possible?

Why are kids running riot in every town in this country? Because mothers are absent in the work place and too exhausted from juggling work and the home. The Government want it both ways - sending women out to work, and then bemoaning the fact that the kids have become out of control. Is it only me who sees the link? It's barmy!

I am not suggesting I have the solution to the problem, and I am definitely not advocating people living off benefits who should be working, BUT, I do think it's about time the children were put at the centre of this debate. The best place for kids of 2.5yrs (as OH's youngest is) is at home with their mother ideally. Yes, I know the dH can look after the kids in this situation, but it doesn't sound like he will do much of a job. He should definitely be out getting paid work.

I honestly believe society have got this whole mothers back to work thing absolutely wrong. Kids need their mothers.

My main reaction really is surprise and disappointment at this 'having a go' attitude towards 'work shy' mums a la Daily Mail. It's pretty ugly that it's coming from fellow mums. I mean what's that all about? Yes it's tough out there and other people are facing some terrible situations, but turning against each other is very unhelpful. It is just deflecting from the real issue of the sexist nature of our society and the ambivalent attitude towards children.

At the end of the day it's the kids and women who are the ones missing out here. As ever.

KCS - you must be reading too much of the said Daily Mail yourself. You know how to attack other women pretty nicely.

That's what i was thinking christina.

'Working mothers produce to feral children' sounds like a classic DM headline to me.

Yes, the OP may have got more sympathetic responses if she hadn't said how she resents single mums because they have it easier (!).

KCS way to go for making those of us who will have to put our children into childcare feel good!

The OP has a 4.5 and 2.5 year old, so by your argument should be getting ready to look for work anyway!

As far as I'm concerned OP and OP's DP need a kick up the bum, your children need to see you working and supporting yourselves.

KCS - what an absurd statement. I know many of professional women whose children are cared for while they work and their children are by no means feral.

I'm sorry your DP is useless OP but I can assure you that being a single parent is a teeny bit harder work, even if we do have the 'luxury' of being able to claim IS

of many , not many of

Look into childminding then you can be self-employed and look after your own kids too

KCS - that's total bollocks. I work fulltime as dh and our children have stll have parents thanks very much.

The op's problem is that she would like tpo sit at home having 'precious' family time and have somebody else pay for it. Well tough, life's not like that. If your partner isn't pulling his weight - talk to him and sort it out. That's no reason not to work.

KCS - thank you! I was having a crap day and you really cheered me up with your ridiculous comments. Gave me a good giggle that anyone could think like that.

OP, why can't both of you get part time jobs?

If you are the more employable of the two, then you should be the one to work and your husband can look after the children. Don't stand for any bollocks from him, either. If he is not respectful, then get shot of him pronto.

There are plenty of us who have to do jobs we hate or hours we don't like. It's part of having responsibilities - responsibilities which increase when you become parents.

You just have to suck it up and get on with it.

(Does sound like the OP's partner should be doing more to be honest, but that's something for them to sort out between the two of them.)

OP, you need to get real. Neither of you are in work. How do you propose to bring up your children?

Why do you think that it's unreasonable that one adult out of a couple makes themselves available for work and looks for work?

Statistically most couples with children in England both work, father full-time and mother part-time. These are the families that are paying tax to keep you, your DP and two children at home. In turn this contributes to our 'work rich / work poor' society. If families that don't work did some work, other families could do less.

I don't mind helping those that help themselves and for the state to provide a safety net for those that are unable to work and those that can't get work that makes them self-sufficient, but if people like you choose not to work it affects public attitudes and, in the long term, benefits for those that are looking for work and genuinely want a job.

To be honest OP, it sounds to me like your problem is your other half, rather than looking for work. It sounds like you would be more than happy to be a SAHM if your partner was able to support you all.

However, seen as he is not able to, then you only have the option to work.

This is not such a bad option, you know, seen as most of us have to/choose to do it. It feels scary/uncomfortable now, but once you found something, you might even enjoy it.

Your children are old enough to be left in childcare, a lot of pre-schools now take children from 2.5 anyway, and it will be good for the children to socialise.

Good luck!

OP - wouldn't it be lovely if we could all choose to stay at home with our DC's? Or perhaps if we could just work a few hours a week to suit? Unfortunately, the reality for most of us is come the end of mat leave (or sooner) we're back to working 40 hours a week; juggling work, children, childcare, mortgages, bills and life in general. Of course you should be made to fund your own lifestyle.
As for your DP; you need to sit down and have a discussion... parenting is a joint responsibility.

OP your attitude is absolutely awful. Basically you think it should be your and your DHs right to be kept by those of us who work full time and pay tax on what we earn? Get real!