Not sure what to do

[frankly1]

I should know how lucky I am really : I have a good job where I am paid almost double what my husband gets paid (and taxed a lot though) My employer is quite supportive and lets me work 4 days in the office and 1 from home. My office is about an hours drive each way from home.

I have both children at home (they are 1 and 3) on the 3 days that I am at home so I can't get much work done, so I work most evenings to make up the time. I have recently accepted a promotion against my better judgement (because it is obviously quite a demanding time for me with two small kids) as I realised I was being offered an amazing opportunity that I would never get again. I thought I should just take it and I would just cope somehow.

So what's my problem? I am stressed out. Not just because things are not getting done that I want to get done but because I feel I am trying to do everything and failing at them all. I know this is a common working woman's complaint and I am nothing different with this feeling.

This week I haven't been sleeping well and have been given some sleeping pills. I ended up in floods of tears and realising that really all I want to do is be home with my kids. My husband, after some convincing, said he would support my decision if I did, but really he is scared that we would end up losing our house.

I need to work out if we would have enough money to survive and whether the effects on our family through my stress now are worse than they would be if we had money worries. I don't know what to do! I've tried a quick chat with the Citizen's advice beureau but although the lady was lovely she just pointed me at their website (very slowly - she was not good with a computer!) and I've tried looking on directgov but I noticed after a while that it gave me the same benefits if I was earning 0 or £50,000!

Has anyone else gone through this and has any advice please? At the moment I want to just take a year off but if I am risking our family's home I feel too selfish to make the jump. I know there are people who don't have jobs, and need one, so I apologise that you must wonder what I am upset about.

Thanks in advance
Frankly1

Why don't you put your children in childcare when you are working from home? Get a cleaner?

Could you drop a day - I went to 4 days a week when I went back and I think it made a big difference.

Sorry my first thought was the same as above, the kids need to be away from you whilst you are working from home. By having them there you are working everyday through til late evening, you'd have your evenings back which would help with your stress.

I am in a similar position. I think if you could manage to take a year off it would be great (although maybe not easy to go back...). I agree with you that it's just hard to calculate what it would mean financially.
Could you do a sort of "trial run" and take one month's unpaid leave?? - would that allow you some time to do the calculations, destress and do the necessary planning for possibly taking a year out?

You can't work and look after children. I am surprised that your employer allows you do to this. If they have and you are stressed they need to take some responsibility. I work for big national company- except in exceptional circumstances we can't care for children in working hours at home. It invalidates their insurance for us as well. We have to complete regular returns saying who is in the house during working hours.

Get a nanny or send them to nursery on the day you are not in office - are the other 2 days the weekend.?

I agree with Simic, I was in a similar position. Work just became too much then it was like a domino effect, stress, guilt, worry.
If you can take some time off work, even if it is just to clear your head, get organised and prioritise your life, it really does help.
Don't let anyone tell you how you should organise your life, how much you should work, or what to do with your kids whilst you are working.
I gave up my full time job for a short while, then went back part time. A little less money, but worth it as everything else seemed to fall into place.

Do you want to leave work because the home/work balance is too stressful or because you want to be a SAHM? They're completely different situations that will have different solutions.

It sounds as though you don't have any work/life balance. You aren't really working and aren't really a SAHM when trying to work from home. You need clear boundaries. Put the kids in nursery/nanny/childminder and see how you feel when you are able to then concentrate on work and have quality time with the kids. It can be hard juggling everything but I think you may feel like you are failing at everything becuase you are not really concentrating on work or time with children.

If you still feel the need to be at home, you will need to find compromises that will allow this to happen.

Also, you must be doing something right to get the promotion and I bet your kids think you are the best Mum ever. if anything, the only thing you seem to be failing at is having you time!

Thanks everyone for all the posts which are great. In terms of do I want to be a stay at home mum I am not sure but I would like to give it a try though. I do enjoy my job and find it interesting, so I will need to channel this energy into my kids again like I did on maternity leave.

I didn't want to put my kids in the nursery on my one day in the week with them. This is so some times we can visit other mums who I know nearby who have kids the same age. I guess it's not wanting to miss out completely (as my stay at home mum friends often want to see their husbands on weekends usually) and so instead I have been working in the evenings. I can't have it both ways I guess.

I've been pretending its fine, (as I couldn't see any way out and I am lucky to have a job where I get some flexibility), for so long that I don't think I realised how it had been getting me down. I had stopped having the enthusiasm for the kids because I felt like I couldn't do it all and it was better not to try.

Anyway the stress of starting my new role has brought it to a head and I think I have now decided to take a year break. I have done a spreadsheet for our finances and although it'll be tight I think we will be able to manage as long as I channel my organisational skills into cheap dinners and selling off unused stuff on ebay instead! I just hope that when it comes to it I can find some work (probably a lot less pay but hopefully more local).

For the others in this situation, I hope you come to a decision soon as I feel better for at least deciding. I know it sounds a bit serious but I keep thinking to myself "what will I regret when I am older?" and this is how I have decided. I have never been ambitious (just promoted for being hard working) so I guess the choice is a bit easier for me than for some.

Thanks everyone again for your advice.