Dh changing roles at work and going to be going overseas on business trips...

[RMCW]

...and I was wondering whether any of you whose partners work abroad alot have any tips for me to save my sanity and make things easier for me whilst he is away?

He has wanted to move out of his current role for a while and has been given the opportunity to become sales and marketing manager but this will mean lots of travel, to europe and also the far east and US and south america. He loves travelling so I am smiling and being supportive but I am REALLY dreading it

We have 2 young dc aged 7 and 2.
I have a chronic health condition and because of this dh does his fair share of childcare.

My PIL are very helpful when they can be, my parents not.

Is there anything I can do wrt preparing them (and me!) for him not being there?

The MD of the company has no dc and is not very understanding of those that have....he wont always get much notice of trips (when ds1 was 2 he was given only a days notice of a 9 day trip to the far east!!)

I feel I ABU in being so unhappy about it as he is looking forward to it.

any tips??

Will it mean a salary increase, so that you could get some extra help (thinking a mother's help type person) for the times he's away?

hahahahahaha

sorry

No. No salary increase. He will stay at the same level.

I wonder how you go about that? Getting a mother help etc?

ds2 starts 2 x morning per week at pre school in september and gets his 5 mornings allocation in january next year but thats a long way off

My dh is away quite a lot,although not for 9 days at a time. usually between 2 and 4 days each week.

Simple ans is that you do get used to it. Make sure that when he's home he gets plenty of time with the kids - also makes sure that you get some time off.

Get an easy routine going - clothes out the night before, washing in each night. Have a plan for the days if you have dc not at scool.

Make sure you have good friends that you can chat to - sometiems what gets me down is the lack of adult company (and I work 3 days a week!)

Go easy - let the things that don't matter go. My kitchen floor only gets done once a week now , give youeself plenty of treats - for me thats pj's at 8pm and a dvd.

My ds has never known any different. He does occasionally say during the week that he wishes dad was back, but if ds has been away, he always makes the effort to do something with ds at the weekend.

My DH works away a lot and I have to admit I enjoy it - but I don't have a health condition and my DS is older so it is a lot easier for me.

Agree that you can let your standards slip - ie: we have much simpler meals when DH is away and there's a lot less washing and housework. Don't even wash my floors once a week !

It can be quite 'educational' learning all about the country DH is working in, we have big maps up on the wall so that we can follow his progress and do bits of research about the country. My DS is a real daddy's boy so does miss his Dad so that isn't always easy.

But you do get used to it - it's been my DH's way of life for nearly 25 years - I can't imagine what it would be like to have a DH home every night . !

My dh did this for about 3 years, which culminated in being given 2 days notice of a semi perm transfer to the us... so could be worse.... However as for the regular travel....
Bottom line ?
It's bloody hard but you just have toknucke down and get on with it.
Be super organised, engage your friends so have a pizza evening so they come round and keep you entertained, find a good babysitter or mothers help. The most diff thing I found was keeping the weekends occupied...so organise lunch.tea out somewhere , in summer do picnics or meet with friends for tea etc.

You will adjust but also factor in some you time so perhaps book pil in for some dates now...

Good luck

Mine travels but usually only week days (no trips which extend over a weekend). We go into 'survival mode' when he's not here. No housework other than laundry and washing-up, no meals that create more than one pan of washing-up, no feeling guilty about takeaways. And I invite friends round for a late supper/drinks when 2 y.o. DD is in bed (may not be so practical with an older one as well). It's fine. Mostly!

Also - my slow cooker saves my sanity. And DD loves slow cooker chilli. OK, so she has no choice... But still...

I think people tend to advertise on Gumtree for mother's help type positions.

I think the kids will probably be fine - kids are very adaptable etc - it's you who might struggle. Is your health problem ongoing at the same level, or up and down?

Thanks for all the great advice.

bramshott My health is very up and down...lately its been down I had swine flu before xmas and still dont feel quite right. I have also just been diagnosed as having gall stones so will need an op at some point. I am also awaiting surgery on my foot and have an ongoing back problem from having ds1 (2 years ago). All of these are nothing to do with my actual chronic condition either. Honestly, if I ws a horse they would shoot me!!!

The dc will miss their dad so much....I think thats what I will find hardest. With ds1 at school he is occupied during the day but weekends will be hideous...they both have lots of activities...swimming, karate, beavers etc....I worry I wont be able to get them there if dh isnt here.

Not worried about the cooking side of things - I do all the housework and cooking anyway - it help with the children I will need. They are wonderful but very demanding!

I am not registered disabled (yet) so get no benefit and do not qualify for any type of home help.

Bottom line is neither me or the kids will sleep well whilst he is away and that will impact on my health which will impact the dc.

sigh......

In terms of missing your dh I would ask how tech-savvy you are. I make a point of trying to email dh with news of what we've been up to each day. If we catch each other on-line we also skype each other. Makes a huge difference seeing someone imo. Better for children too.

In fact our kids are used to their dad not being around at all during the day so don't really miss him and our routine doesn't tend to make nay reference to him so it is business as usual. At the weekend the eldest (also 7) is the only one to do an activity (which dh usually takes him to, but he doesn't mind if it's me). Otherwise it tends to be down to me. When dh isn't here I tend to plan ahead in my head more for things we can do at the weekend. I find ds2 difficult to cope with for long periods of time at home!

Otherwise have to say I already know that I can only cope with our eldest doing one activity a week, so that's all we do. I do get dh to take him swimming at the weekends every so often - just can't myself with the other two to look after. Think you just have to look at your life and what you can manage. Know eldest doesn't do nearly as much as some of his friends, but he's happy.

When dh is away I can also be more of a lazy-ass. Don't absolutely have to clear all toys, sweep floors etc Dh hates the way the house is at the end of the day, but it returns to its usual state pretty quickly the next day - so I don't always bother. Can also go to bed straight after the kids are in bed if I fancy it without feeling guilty.

Can I ask why the kids won't sleep well while he is away?

My dh has gone away on business between 3 - 5 times a year, for 2 to 3 weeks each time, since dd was about a year old.

I'm sure it will feel strange for your dcs to start with, but they will get used to it (as you will too). I've now got the point where I love dh being away because I get the bed and tv remote to myself. Dd and I find our own rhythm, and tend to do less rushing around when we're on our own. However, we do go out for lunch more often!

If it's not too often, I would scrap some of the weekend activities when he's away, and arrange to have friends to come and stay, or go away and stay with friends instead.

hmm...not sure tbh.

I dont sleep that well anyway and my 2 dc have never been great sleepers. My eldest in particular struggles with change - any change

I am not worried about being in the house on my own or anything.

I am not really that tech savvy...I have heard of skype but I have no idea what it is

At this moment we are not sure how often he will be away or for how long.

I guess the best thing would be to have a plan for when hw is away of things to do, places to go, people to see and if its a regular thing, to try and get some sort of routine.

Thanks for all your replies.

Skype is really easy peasy.

You literlly type "skype" into google and then download it.

Get your dh to do the same.

Add each other's e-mail addresses into your skype page.

Agree what time you will both by by your laptops and one of you click on the other's name.

Your laptop will beep.

Press the "answer call" button.

Talk for free!

You can choose to use either voice only, or video link.

It's a great way to keep in touch.

literally

Download Skype here

Sorry - meant to say that Skype is just a way of using your computers instead of phones to talk to each other. All you need is a computer which has a sound card and microphone in it. If you want to make video calls, then it needs to have an integrated webcam, or you can buy one to clip on to the screen.

The great thing is it's free to download and free to use, so no expensive phone bills.

Hmmm, speaking as someone whose dh works away a lot (ranges from overnighters in the UK to 3 weeks in Singapore ) and has done for the last 10 years, I'm wary of keeping in touch too much during the trips.

Admittedly our dc are 4 and 1, but they find it upsetting for the first day or two and again when they know that dh is due to return, but in the middle they sort of forget about him a bit and get on with their usual routine. I wonder if seeing him regularly in Skype would keep the upset going or whether I'm just a bit of a luddite .

OK, what works for us...

1. Ds1 has a huge map of the world on his wall and we move a wallet-size picture of dh to wherever dh is.
2. I do a lot more convenience food when dh is away and always have a couple of standby things in the freezer for the days when I'm just too tired.
3. Bathtime - Ds1 has a bath and/or gets into his pyjamas first while ds2 plays upstairs with us and then ds1 has DVD or something while I bath ds2. Bathing together sounds more simple than in reality, I find, especially as ds2 still has a bottle bfore bed.
4. Clear the kitchen and get school stuff ready the night before.

Erm...

Lots of brilliant ideas from everyone. A couple more. Can you do turn about with other parents at the weekends taking to/from activities? Also at the weekends perhaps find a teenager who could help with the DC's while you get some rest or if close enough walk DC7 to activities? If your DH is anything like mine I save lots on food when he is not here - money to spend on some home help. Have also employed a mother's help (from Gumtree) who was fab at helping out with chores and playing with the DC's.

Thanks for the advice!

Will definately download Skype...sounds good. Not sure about ds2 (he is only 2) but i think ds1 would find it really exciting to talk to daddy on the other side of the world!!

Ds1 already has a big mpa on his bedroom wall so thats definately something we could do too

I bath mine together anyway so no change there. I know what you mean about saving money on food!!! dh always complains about the grocery bill yet he eats half of it!!!

My main problems are going to be:
getting them both to their actvities
bedtimes
night time sleep issues

Really need to work on the night times before he goes away for the first time I think...

Bit hard at the moment as ds2 is quite poorly and so therefore in bed with me at night (dh and ds1 on the double bed in ds1's room) but as soon as he is better he is OUT!

I think I am just getting a bit agitated about it as both ds2 and I are quite ill at the moment (chest infections) and if it happens when dh is away I will REALLY struggle The house is a tip and the ironing pile is HUGE. Dh and ds1 have been eating pizzas, jacket potatoes and rice all week as I am just too tired to cook

Thanks again for the help

Okay, well this is good - you've identified the three things which are going to make it difficult. That's a great start.

Activities - this is where it would probably be good to draft in some help, whether that's PIL, other parents from school, or a local teenager.

Bedtime - I guess you just need a firm routine, and to stick to it. FWIW, I have a similar age gap (DDs are 8 and 3) and I've found it much easier since we started bathing them separately, and essentially getting DD2 into bed before even starting with DD1. But I think most parents would agree that bedtime is probably the most stressful time of the day, however you organise it.

Sleep - tricky one. As you say, if you try to work on that before your DH goes away, that might help.

You also mention ironing - again, that's something that's easy to outsource, or just not do?!? Seriously, if DH is away, that's no shirts to iron. What else do you need to iron? Nothing gets ironed in this house except DH's shirts (and then, not by me )!

heh heh

No ironing??? Marvellous!

With my health condition I find doing physical and mental activities at the same time really difficult...like grocery shopping for example. Pretty much wipes me out for the rest of the day. I am mainly getting it delivered now as its just so hard for me at the moment.

Also, ironing is very tiring with my back problems, but I may institute a "only iron a third of what I wash" rule!

Definitely get skype,

If DH has a company mobile, get him to ring you

Get the menus of a number of takeaway places that deliver, for the nights that you don't feel like cooking

If you can afford it, pay someone to do your ironing, I do and it is worth every penny

Use your evenings alone to do the things you want to do, like watch what you want on telly/ take long baths/ spend hours on mumsnet

Make sure you have at least a couple of sets of toiletries, so there is always one set he can take, and you still have them left.

Make sure he doesn't drive off to Heathrow and disappear to another country for 4 days with the car seat in the back of his car (or is that just me)

If you can afford it, I would definitely get someone to do your ironing. Like lobsters - I have someone to do mine, and it's such a joy!

Very good tip about the car seat!

Make sure he doesn't go off with your car keys either.

lobster ha! We have already had that happen several times...ergo we have 2 now! One in each car.

How much is it to get your ironing done out of interest? If I could afford it, I would ahve a cleaner too It gets me down when I cant keep on top of the cleaning and ironing (like this week for example)

I am reading up on sleep traning techniques ready for when ds2 is better!

I pay about £7.00 per hour for ironing and £10.00 per hour for cleaning.

I have my ironing done every other week (about £20), and 2.5 hours cleaning a week (£25).