Mediation in bullying issue?

[BerylStreep]

I am going through a pretty crap time at work at the moment.

this thread gives some background.

Basically, my manager has started bullying and micro-managing me, after I refused to give in to pressure to increase my hours (I work PT), due to having a DDA condition which leaves me exhausted. I have been subjected to extreme pressure to increase my hours since mid-Nov.

The bullying is taking the form of over-bearing e-mails, telling me I need to advise him if I am attending a meeting (I am middle management, I spend half my life in meetings), when to take my lunch (not a public facing role), etc. This is all since I refused to increase my hours, and he does not manage other staff in this manner.

It has escalated since I advised him I felt he was bullying me, and it has had an awful impact on me - have been unable to sleep, spent the last couple of days crying at work, broke down in front of a member of staff today, crying at home - all not good.

The head of HR has told my manager that he is no longer allowed to e-mail me / discuss with me any aspect of my working hours. He has also suggested using mediation to try to improve 'the relationship aspect'.

I have agreed to the mediation, and am due to meet with the mediator tomorrow.

Has anyone any experience of mediation in these circumstances? Any advice?

Hi BerylStreep

I don't actually have any experience of mediation per se but have had a really crappy manager like this (maybe the same one?!?) so just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.

I am sure you know this already but with whatever mediation meeting you have, just make sure you have some outcomes written down and see how far you get with reaching them at the meeting, and get written confirmation of any decisions.

However much you stand your ground I know it can be awful and intimidating and stressful so be strong xx

Oh god, I can't believe you're still being subjected to this mans outrageous behaviour.

Never had to go through mediation but the only reasonable advice I could ever think of would be to 'Stay Calm'.

I'm amazed that you've put up with this for so long.

Rooting for you and hope it goes well x

Thanks. Head of HR & Head of Equality have said I can work from home today, so that I don't need to be near him. This is an alternative to going off sick.

Am meeting the mediator at lunch-time.

Truly horrible situation.

Two things to bear in mind:

1. You are absolutely in the right and he is the person who is breaking the law. You have the moral high ground and, even better, you have the advantage of knowing it. This gives you lots of options. His only option is to suck it up or get in more trouble himself. There is no win-win pay-off for him because he's gone too far, and he will only be able to come back to the middle ground by adjusting his behaviour, not by having you adjust yours.

2. Your employers are on your side. They could easily have ignored this but they are not. They have a switched on Equality person you can turn to, a pro-active HR dept, and a staff association that are also supportive. Your boss has nothing on his side except seniority, something which won't out-rank his primal behaviour as far as his employers are concerned.

Mediation is good. He is going to make himself look a fool because every time he thinks of 'examples' of poor behaviour you will be able to rebut them, and he won't be able to rebut your allegations. The fact that he has full access to your timelog but has never accessed it is a sweet little bomb that you should drop into the meeting. He is a fool to not even cover his bases. It could have been so much worse if he had had the advantage of intelligence on his side.

Best of luck. Report back and tell us how it went.

Hello Beryl

I know exactly how you feel. I went through something similar where my manager took a real nasty turn for no apparent reason and bullied me in the same way with a similar effect on me. It's soul destroying and you start to lose confidence in yourself very quickly. Hang on in there and try and hold on to your self confidence.

My experience of mediation was very poor. I went into it with an open mind but found that the mediator didn't really help much, it actually made things worse and I felt it was a one-way process. Basically my manager got a platform to air how terrible I was (in his view) and my point of view was never heard. One of his biggest complaints about me was that I didn't attend a routine team meeting because I had an ante-natal appointment (which I couldn't move at short notice). Which I thought was a disgusting comment and thought the HR VP present and the mediator would have jumped on this - but they didn't. So it ended up with my manager having the perception that this was reasonable behaviour endorsed. Awful. Gutting. And took me a long time to recover from.

My advice would be that I think you have to go with mediation but it will only work if your boss is the sort of person who can put things behind him and move on. If he is the sort of person who never gets things wrong then it's unlikely to work. I would also demand to take a friendly face along to support you. It's a very emotional thing being confronted by someone who has made you feel the way you currently do and a bit of moral support and another person to back you up on what was said during the meeting session would be very useful if things don't work out.

I really hope things work out for you, it's awful to have work making such a big impact on your time away from work.

AuntieBacterial that is one of my fears. I suppose one of the points of mediation is to repair the relationship, but the way I feel at the moment, it is beyond repair. I have no trust or confidence in him.

I have been trying to have a think about what I want out of this process.

1. I want the bullying to stop.
2. I would appreciate an apology / recognition that his behaviour has been out of order, but I am a realist, so that's unlikely.
3. I want a new line manager. Even if he improves his behaviour in the short term, I will constantly be feeling that I have to look over my shoulder.
4. I want his manager to be aware. (He is now)
5. Ideally I would want it recorded on his performance appraisal. One of the essential behavioural competencies for every person in our organisation is 'Respect for Race & Diversity', which he has not displayed.

If you can just get the bullying to stop you'll be doing well. I hope it works for you, but I think you are sensible to not expect it to resolve everything.

Good luck!

Well I met with the mediator on my own, this afternoon.

He was lovely, and listened to me, without interrupting or trying to justify their behaviour.

I was quite surprised, because he said I had a clear cut case of sex discrimination, and harassment. He also indicated he thought I should be bringing an IT.

He is to meet my manager this afternoon, and said he was going to spell out to him exactly how he and our organisation have been left vulnerable as a result of his actions and planned to 'scare the shit out of him'.

Yey!

This is not what I expected mediation would be about.

He is to phone me later.

I feel a lot better already.

BTW, thanks for your posts. Squiffy - I hadn't thought of it in those terms.

Great outcome, I'm sure it feels as though a weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

You are now a MN postergirl for sticking to your guns!

I think your list of outcomes is very strong and I would take that and hand it out at any mediation. That way you have the points, in case it gets too scary in front of the bully in case there is a face to face mediation.

Good on you.

Stay strong.

Hi Beryl, I'm about to go to my boss's line manager to speak to him about bullying and intimidation I'm currently getting from my boss - I've spent ALL weekend thinking about work and its doing my head in! I just wanted to say that reading this thread has been so helpful in getting my thoughts together, and I really hope things are improving at your end.

Best, SM.

SM - It's rotten, isn't it?

If I can offer any help at all, feel free to PM me.

I found it useful to put my thoughts on paper / MN - partly to vent so it doesn't come out at work, but also to try to assemble my thoughts. The advice and support I have had on here has been brilliant.

I have also found it quite useful to make sure in any conversations I am having at work to try to stay calm, and to focus on how this is affecting the business / ability to deliver on objectives - it takes emotion out of it. For example, when my manager has come up with his controlling demands, I have asked him to explain what business rationale there is for them.

I have chosen the mediation route, and to emphasise to my management that I am seeking a resolution, but I think I have been lucky in the mediator I got - others have not got such positive experiences. Having said that, I still catch myself ranting internally & thinking what a git my manager has been, and wanting revenge. Knowing the organisation I work for though, I know that a formal investigation would be long, stressful and would be all boys together - I seriously doubt if I would get any satisfaction. It helps to have a think about what you want out of this - e.g. for it to stop, new manager, etc. I think it helps to stay focused and not let vengeful desires get out of hand.

I hope all went well today with your manager's manager - do you think you will get any support?

My manager's manager doesn't want to know, (he hasn't asked to speak to me about this at all, even though he is aware) and I am resigned to the fact that he thinks that it's not his responsibility since it has gone to mediation.

My manager is still being a knob, but things are better, and if there is any problem at all, my first port of call is the mediator rather than having to try to address things myself. So far I have got an office move further from my manager (my office used to be directly opposite his, and I think that was part of the problem - he saw me going early - i.e. at the time I was paid until, and got himself worked into a frenzy about it.) I have also got another manager conducting my next appraisal. My long term aim is to get a new manager, as I don't think this will ever resolve completely, and he will never be able to conduct an impartial appraisal.

Hi Beryl - I'm meeting my manager's manager today, we're going to head out of the office for an informal catch up. I've not been able to stop thinking about all of this and its started to affect life at home - not sleeping well, pre-occupied etc. So it all really has to stop.

I understand what you mean about knowing what you want as an end resolution, but to be honest I just want him fired! I know that won't necessarily happen, he's only recently started at the company (just over 3 months) and I've been here for four years - so I don't really want to leave... I'm not really sure what options are available.

We're in a small team in a big company, so there might be an opportunity to move - but other than my manager, I really, really like my job. Its just so frustrating.

We had an altercation on Friday which left me in tears - essentially he's a bully and his idea of managing a team is to batter them into submission - which doesn't sit well with me at all.

I'll PM you this afternoon to let you know how I got on and maybe you could give me some advice, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks for your response - it really means alot! SM