going back to work after many years problem

[nonexistingwoman]

Just wondering if I can get some opinions or help with a problem I have.

Inspired by a recent thread on here I have decided to do some voluntary work.

I have been at home for 14 years after having DD1 who is autistic.

In that time my husband has taken on a job that means he is away a lot (in this country and abroad) so I have taken on the whole running the house/looking after the DCs. We have also moved house a few times to new areas due to his work. I have found it tough to be the one at home but found it too difficult to work with DD1s complex needs. Finding childcare for her is really hard and she finds it hard that DH is often away.

My life has shrunk down to just the children and their needs. I feel bad that I have let this happen but it kind of crept up on me.

Before DCs I had good jobs and never imagined I'd end up like this.

So, I applied for voluntary work to break out of this life and have been asked for 2 character references.

Problem - I only have school gate friends to ask for character references . I know this is pathetic but my life really has shrunk down to this over the years. Lots of acquaintances, couple of good friends and that's it apart from family.

So my question is: do you think character references from friends will be ok?? Have you ever had to write a character reference for a friend and did you mind doing it?

I feel so depressed that now I've made an effort to do something for myself and had an interview that went well - its all going to fall apart over this.

I was a good, reliable member of staff in all my jobs before DCs, but it was so long ago I don't think anyone will remember me.

How important are the character references in unpaid voluntary work?

I'd be interested if anyone has any suggestions or thoughts.

Thanks

First, well done on getting this post!

I've used friends as character references for volunteer things. I'm sure it will be fine. Ask them if you are concerned - remind them that you have been at home for 14 years so not in touch with previous referees - I really don't think it will be a problem.

I've never done a reference for a friend but my friends don't seem to mind doing it for me

Thanks iskra.

They have been so nice and enthused over my CV - I'm just so embarassed to have no "proper" references like I would have had years ago.

Its good to hear that you have used friends and it has been ok.

I'm a bit worried my friends won't want to do it as they are as lacking in confidence as me - I tend to make friends with people who are trapped at home like myself!

I have found some websites with advice for doing references though so maybe that would help them to do me one?

Giving them some websites is a good idea, if you are worried that your friends might feel overwhelmed by the request. Depending on the position, they probably don't want a hugely detailed reference, just something saying "nonexistingwoman is a reliable, dependable person with a great deal of commonsense & I trust her" or similar. I've seen the references my friends have done for me & they have been a paragraph long, if that.

Btw, I have no "proper" references either. I've been doing a masters/at home for the past 3 years, but my tutor at uni doesn't respond to reference requests (which really backfires on me) so I have to fall back on friends too. Thinking about applying to uni again in the autumn & have no idea what will do for references then.

I have given character references for friends before - I have just had to have a quick chat with someone on the phone, not provide anything in writing.

Do you ever help out at your children's school? If not, could you start being a parent helper, listening to reading, etc or join the PTA? Our headteacher is happy to provide character references for those who volunteer at the school.

Thanks iskra. Its really hard isn't it!

I wonder if anyone else at uni can help you. If its an OU degree it must be common for people to have this problem?

Do they have any sort of pastoral support? Could you help in a library or in the field of your degree work to make some contacts??? (I am sure you have thought of all this already. Sorry for stating the obvious. Perhaps we can get some advice on this thread?)

Thanks Decorhate. Good thinking re parent helper. I helped in school a few years ago but the teachers I worked with have both left and we have a new head. Worth enquiring I suppose.

Hi nonexisting woman
I've recently started back at work in a fulltime senior position nearly 7 years after being a fulltime SAHM. However, like you, I started volunteering to get my skills and confidence levels up.
For my job references I asked a friend and also the volunteer manager I worked with as career type references weren't relevant anymore.
Also, like youm I struggled because both my children had health problems which meant I couldn't return to work sooner. However the fact you have managed several house moves, brought up your children as a single parent (effectively, as your husband works away from home a lot) and struggled with a child who has complex special needs AS WELL as volunteering means going back to work will be a breeze!
Hope this helps, good luck and believe in yourself. You can do it!

Thanks for the support thefairies. Yours is the kind of success story that I'm hoping to emulate! Congratulations on your job!

As its my very first step back out into the world and this is my first volunteering job I don't have a volunteer manager type person so I will have to use friends for references I think, but your story is very heartening. Did you have any confidence problems? I know I'll be ok but I really lack confidence.

Hi Nonexistingwoman, I hope that you are getting on okay with sorting out your references. If all else fails with my academic reference I can get the head of department to do one from the files they hold on me - I'd just rather not because I know my tutor (although flaky & irritating) would say much better things about me than my transcript does!

Do let us know how your volunteering goes. Re: confidence, could you change your name? "Nonexistingwoman" makes me feel sad everytime I see it! Sounds to me from your OP like you have done an awful lot of existing in the past 14 years & done absolutely sterling work by your family, not that you don't exist!

Well today my confidence has had a little boost.

I have been brooding over my lack of references and wondering how my life has shrunk down to 4 walls and caring for others.

So I summoned every ounce of bravery in me and plucked up courage to phone my last employer to see if anyone remembered me from all those years ago and if any records of my employment had been kept.

I was shocked to find my old manager remembered me, agreed to a reference and even questioned whether I would be interested in a job!!!

I can't believe it! I have been at rock bottom recently. It just shows if you go into something with the idea "what have I got to lose?" it can work out OK.

Thank you for asking iskra. I'm really touched you remembered my predicament.

Sounds like you have one option for your reference. DH was telling me about a company he used to work for. They had 1k employees and a policy of not supplying references. So if you needed a reference there it was done as a character reference between friends.

I think I may have the courage to namechange now as I feel really good today!

That's brilliant - I'm so pleased, you must feel really boosted by that. You must have left a really good impression to be remembered favourably 14 years down the line! When do you think you will start volunteering?

Yes, starting soon, once references are back, in the same kind of work I used to do. So I hope to feel like my old self, but not get paid for it!

For someone in my position its the best solution for trying to get back to work eventually.

The recent thread on here about going back to work suggested voluntary work as a way back in and in my case it really might work out.

Still in shock after contacting my old employer. I was really confident and well thought of before DCs but being at home so long has really messed with my mind. Just talking to my old employer has woken up a tiny spark in my brain of who I used to be.

Hello again
Sorry not had the chance to reply sooner but so pleased to hear you were brave enough to phone your last employer and that the outcome was so positive.
In answer to your question, I had HUGE confidence issues and still do, if I'm brutally honest, to a degree . Even now I question why I was actually offered my job, then I mentally pull up my socks and think I convinced them I was good enough, so I must act as if I am competent, capable and all that malarkey.
Phoning your employer took a lot of guts and you should give yourself a big pat on the back. See it as one small step to breaking free from those four walls and one big step on the road to changing your life for the better. I think I speak for many mumsnetters when I say we will be with you every step of the way!

Wow! Congratulations!
This thread has really been an inspiration for me! I think so many women who are mothers - in or out of market work - struggle so massively with confidence. Stories like yours remind us that maybe our world-view of ourselves as stranded people cut off from the rest of the market-work force is wrong...

I have the same problem and I did volunteering for a few months- I am sure friends will be more then appropriate for this type of reference.
I am struggling to find ex employer ones as I haven't been in touch for 7 years. ah life!

thefairies, thanks for posting that yesterday. I'm going to look at this thread when I feel wobbly as everyone has been so supportive and really cheered me up.

thefairies, it sounds like you are doing a great job faking your confidence You have obviously found a technique that is working!

It makes me think of that book title "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway". I think that phrase sums me up at the moment, because even though my ex boss was so nice I still don't believe I can do things.

But I am going to try.

And yes I will namechange when I've thought of a new, more positive name

Hi. I have been a SAHM for 12 1/2 years and for very similar reasons to you.

I so so know how hard it is trying to get back to work. I too lack any "proper" references. Well done you for taking the initiative with the voluntary work.

The best thing I have done for ME in years was to enroll in college. In the end I opted for a full time course over a part time simply because I found a course that was just what I was looking for - my full time course in reality is only 3 full days per week.

College has opened up so much for me. Its boosted what was my non existant confidence. I have learnt new things and now have a course tutor who is more than willing to give me a "proper" reference. Obviously as time goes by it will be more valid.

Have a look at courses at your local college. Even an evening class doing something just for fun for you, will broaden your social circle and give you another reference as time goes by. Also, its given me a whole new dimension to my life - I have something other than the kids and housework to talk about.

Good luck on your journey back to work. I am not there yet myself but definately feel closer to a future (for me) than I did 12 months ago.

Hello, I'm back with the namechange: Womanonamission. Because I am on a mission to make a success of my voluntary work

Thank you so much to everybody who has posted on this thread. The comments and suggestions have really helped me.

Stacey - Sounds like you understand my situation very well. Well done on your achievements at college - I hope it all works out well for you.

I also hope that anyone reading this who is stuck in a rut like me will find the advice on here helpful.

Another one in the same position - for 15 years and have moved region a few times. I have been in touch about volunteering in my new home and they are fine with "professional"friends' references but I am a bit reticent about asking anyone- I only know sad sacks like me. I have stayed in touch with some seniors from my old work but they are all pensioners now - apparently their references aren't valid as they are no longer in post. I was thinking college would be a good idea. Have volunteered at local schools too - but the head and the teacher I worked for have both just left - just my luck!

It's a bit of a chicken and egg situation - you want to build up skills and experience through volunteering but need people to vouch that you have these before you can volunteer!

Good luck - I know it takes a lot of courage.

Love your namechange womanonamission, how apt!
After a few weeks volunteering you really will be on mission - and hopefully one that puts your needs first for a change. Congratulations and welcome to your brave new world.

Just wanted to post an update to the thread I started a while back.

Thank you so much to everyone who posted here and helped me get back to work. Iskra and thefairies - your kind posts went a long way to strengthen my resolve to do this.

Well - I can't believe I have actually managed to do this! And to anyone reading this and feeling despair........ I'd say be brave and go for it

The fear on the first day of going back was incredible. I don't think I have ever been so terrified in my life (and that includes childbirth and my driving test!).

The fear of going back the second time was even worse!

But, I kept thinking about this thread and what you all said about how it takes courage.

Its only volunteer work, but its making a real difference to how I feel about things and its giving me confidence.

Some people I have told about it think its ridiculous to work and not get paid for it but I'm getting my skills updated and the adult company is fantastic! My DCs still have all the attention that they need at home and my brain is getting stimulated again.

The thing that struck me the most, starting back, was that people didn't talk about their children ALL THE TIME! After all these years at home its really refreshing

I'm sure my honeymoon period with this will be over soon but having now found volunteer work I think I will always try to do something, so my world doesn't shrink down to the 4 walls of my house again.....

This is the website I used www.do-it.org.uk/ to find volunteer work. You just put in your postcode and it tells you whats available in your area.

So cheers everyone

Just to say, thank you! I have read this thread with interest, as I am a SAHM for the last 11 years, and I am just starting to think about work... My dh may well swap with me, for him to stay at home (we have a disabled youngster, so one of us ideally needs to be at home) so there is the opportunity for me to return to work. But I'm terrified and excited at the same time!

Looking at the website for volunteering is fabulous! Thank you. I have already spotted potential volunteering posts, only down the road!

It is so hard, the thought of going to work after many years at home. Volunteering might just be the way forward, and help considerably with a cv.

Congratulations also to you womanonamission, you have inspired quite a few of us, it seems.

Thank you midnightblues

Let me know how you get on if you decide to volunteer.

I am still battling the confidence issues and have discovered that my brain is a lot slower than it used to be. I'm hoping that they will bear with me on that.

Being slower and less "switched on" shows me how much I needed to do something like this. On the positive side it has given me the confidence to possibly do some other kind of volunteering as well as this one. I definitely feel more capable than I did when I started this thread.

Good for you! Yes, I will let you know, but I won't be doing anything until May, as I have other commitments until then. But one positive step is that I have enrolled on a 3-hour per week course at the local college for 10 weeks so I can start to use my brain.