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Original poster

Why does it have to be so hard? I'm close to tears here.

15 replies

MarionCole · 25/01/2011 15:51

Just been made aware of a vacancy for my ideal job, I could do it hands-down, am fully qualified and would find it really interesting.

But it's a 9-5 (minimum) job about 90 minutes from home. So DS would be in childcare from 7:30am to 6:30pm and, come September, when he starts school I won't be able to do either drop him off or pick him up.

DH already works 90 minutes from home so he can't help. I have no relatives anywhere nearby. We can't move as DSD is in year 10 so I'm not going to uproot her.

Logistically I could do the job from home but I know they wouldn't entertain the idea. Why should they, when they have plenty of male candidates who don't care whether they see their kids or not.

Sorry, just needed to get that out. Can't talk to anyone here as I'm at work!

OP posts:

jamaisjedors · 25/01/2011 16:00

Couldn't you take it and negotiate once you are in the job to do 1 day at home?

How old is your DS?

It IS tough with both parents working full-time plus you have the commute - would you be able to move later on?

Original poster

MarionCole · 25/01/2011 16:06

The problem is that I want everything.

I moved around a lot when I was a child and I hated changing school all the time. I have it in my mind therefore that I really don't want to make the children change school unless absolutely necessary. DSD will be going to 6th Form after year 11, so she still has 3 1/2 years at school. She has had so much upheaval in the last few years that I want to give her some stability. DS will be 4 in May, so he'll be at school from September but again, wouldn't really like to have to move him.

It's a long story about why we live in the middle of nowhere and why we are so far from a decent city! I won't bore you. Suffice it to say, when I trained for my career (which has now been put on hold), I was far better positioned geographically!

OP posts:

abgirl · 25/01/2011 16:07

IMO, it's just too much for both of you to have 90 minute commutes and work FT - DH and I both work FT but it's only manageable as I have a 20 minute commute and we both work flexi hours. I quite often see roles that in terms of career development, opportunity, salary look better than what I've got currently, but when you factor in everything there's got to be some compromise somewhere. So I guess what I'm saying is that maybe this isn't the ideal job for you and you need something a bit more manageable - just my opinion though.

Original poster

MarionCole · 25/01/2011 16:15

You are right abgirl. It's just a bit upsetting to come to that realisation. I work full time now but with a negligible commute and flexible hours. But it's dull.

OP posts:

coatgate · 25/01/2011 16:16

I second what abgirl says. 90 minutes is a long way, and what if something happened where you needed to get back quickly? (Not that anything will, but you know what I mean).

I am sure another better job will come up, hopefully nearer home with flexi working - well we can all dream.

Original poster

MarionCole · 25/01/2011 16:26

I think my only chance of fulfilling work close to home is to start contracting and work for myself. I'm working towards it at the moment, it's scary though. What if I can't earn a living?

OP posts:

abgirl · 25/01/2011 16:30

Marion, it is upsetting, I feel very stuck in my current role but I am trying to focus on the salary (which we desperately need) and the flexibility that I currently have, and will look for something more appealing when I can be more flexible...

abgirl · 25/01/2011 16:30

Meant to end with 'make sure you have a large glass of wine tonight to treat yourself'[bgrin]

Sequins · 26/01/2011 07:11

Or you could look at having an au pair to help in the evenings? Esp. if your children are teenagers (DSD yr 10)?

IsItMeOr · 27/01/2011 11:43

Am sure you have thought of this, but could your DH take a turn in a job with a shorter commute, or negotiate some flexibility which meant he could do school drop offs/collection, at least some time?

Original poster

MarionCole · 27/01/2011 22:23

IsItMeOr - he's in a very good position where he is and realistically wouldn't get the same level of responsibility and income in another job. He's onto a good thing!

I've got some perspective on this now, thanks for all your empathy.

OP posts:

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 27/01/2011 22:27

Wow, what a nice unselfish person you are, putting the needs of your children/sept children first. Don't lose sight of that.

3 hours travelling a day is a lot, and with petrol prices going the way they are, an expensive option too.

Original poster

MarionCole · 27/01/2011 22:34

Thank you.

It's never crossed my mind that I am actively putting the children first, I just enjoy their company!

OP posts:

kirriemummy · 27/01/2011 22:47

Hi,

I am pretty much in the same position as you - we desperately needed my salary, and a job came up which I could do, but was way below my old pay and position (but there is nothing else going at the moment and I also live in the middle of the country) so I agreed to go back to work in january. It's also a 90 minute commute, but I managed to negotiate 3 days a week. I'll be honest with you, I hate it, and constantly obsess about the fact I am so far away away from her, but it has to be done. I'm bored most of the time at work and all I want to do is get back to her...I know that this is probably not the thing you want to hear at the moment but it's nice to know someone else is in the same position as me- I've been feeling pretty crap about it all to be honest! If I do have any constructive advice it would be to try and negotiate for a three day week- it sounds like they would probably want you if you were to apply and your not loosing anything by trying to see if you can get flexible working. I really do not think I could handle full time and a 90 minute commute. Also just because you apply for it doesn't mean you have to make a decision about taking the job straight away and it keeps your options open. Sorry I haven't been more cheerful, but thank you for making me feel like I'm not alone!

IsItMeOr · 28/01/2011 12:33

anothersplace - I thought the same thing about how unselfish Marion is coming across.

Marion - I was thinking some more about your position (as you sound very lovely). Others will know more than me, as I only have one young DC, but I understood it is quite common in rural areas for young people to go to a different school/college for a levels. If so, it might not be as disruptive as you think to DSD to make a move next year? Depending on the practical geography of the schools that she and her friends will be considering, it could potentially be very do-able for you to move closer to the dream job.

I'm also quite cynical about very young children getting attached to a particular school/group of children, so I personally would give serious consideration to moving your DS in a year's time too. But that's obviously a very personal choice.

Also, I appreciate that your DH is well-situated, but that works both ways surely, and his employer may well be prepared to offer more flexibility to a valued/established employee than you could hope to negotiate moving into a brand new role?

Also, depending on your relative salary levels, remember these are his children too and his responsibility as much as yours, so it could be fair to ask him to take a turn in the "slow" lane for a couple of years while you get a chance to do your thing for a while?

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