Going back to work after losing a baby

[Katieb]

Our second child died in May when he was three days old. Our financial situation means that I’ll need to start doing some work in the next couple of months. Can anyone give me advice or their opinion on these:

• sick pay. I got the statutory 18 weeks maternity leave, plus the 29 weeks unpaid leave from the day James was born, but am I’m entitled to any sick pay? I don’t really feel up to going back to work yet and have a sympathetic GP who would sign me off, but can I get any money?

• going freelance. If things had worked out as planned, I was going to leave my job and go freelance (I’m a communications consultant). I’m still quite keen to do this and, having done some freelance work after my first child, have some good contacts. But given what’s happened, is it the right time to do it? Needless to say, I’m not my usual confident self and there are some days when doing anything, let alone work, seems beyond me. Should I just go back to my old job, even though I’m thoroughly bored of it, or should I look for a new challenge?

Please help.

katieb, how dreadful. no wonder you don't feel up to going back yet. how old is your first child? how does he/she feel about it all?

the only thing i know about sick pay is that if you have at least 2 years' NI contributions you are entitled to SSP (which is not a lot - about £50 a week) but how that would fit in with having had full maternity provision i don't know.

some employers give more generous sick pay.

your local CAB would be a good place for accurate advice.

good luck for the future, whatever you do.

Katieb,
I'm so sorry about your loss.
I'm afraid I don't know much about sick pay but I do have some experience of freelance work both as someone who's done it and someone who employs people on a freelance basis.
The main plus point is obviously the flexibility.
But, to be honest I'm not sure if this is the right time for you to try it. it can be very isolating and you really have to push yourself forward to get (and keep) contracts. You sound like an incredibly strong person but it may be kinder to yourself to return to a staff job, even just for a few months - just to help you get your confidence back. (It also may give you some time to really build up your contacts base again.)
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Very sorry to hear about your situation. I would definitely go to your CAB and see if you can take sick leave.

I have freelanced in the past and, as Kizie says, it can be isolating and you need to feel really 'up' to do it.

It sounds like you need a longer period of time to recover. I would go the sick leave route if at all possible. Even if you think this might upset your present employers, this is not your main concern at the moment. And you say you want to leave the job anyway - though I suppose you have to consider what sort of reference they will give you. Even if the CAB say you are not entitled to much state sick pay, is there any chance your employers would pay you more if you asked them?

If you cannot get sick leave and have to return to work, I'd go for a permanent position for a while. And it may be easier to return to your present post. At least it's familiar.

Lastly, have you considered returning to work for a week or so, THEN saying the strain is still too much, getting a sick note from your doctor and going on sick leave? This could mean you have a much better entitlement to sick pay. Some carefully worded questions to the CAB would clarify this.

Best wishes

Message withdrawn

Katieb
I too would like to say how sorry I am about the loss of your baby. I lost my first baby and had to return to work. Sadly, because it happened just one day before 24/40, I wasn't entitled to my SML of 18 weeks and went back after just 6weeks. I can't tell you how difficult it was. What shocked me most was how everyone just ignored me. A few managed, "hope you're feeling better" as if I'd been off with the flu, but most just dropped their eyes or worse, saw me approach and stopped in their tracks to walk in the opposite direction. All this in a GP surgery. I'm a physio, and naively thought that I'd be with people who would understand. How wrong I was.
As you can probably tell I'm still angry with them all even now some 2 years later. I suppose my only advise would be to make a clean start if you feel up to it. Some people, even good friends, find it impossible to discuss grief and would rather just ignore it. So if you just don't feel ready to face every one again, opt for the sick leave. I too had a very sympathetic GP who would have signed me off for longer, but I felt pressurised by work and some family members to go back when I did, to my cost. The last thing you want to end up with is depression.
I hope things get better for you, time as they all say is a great healer. I'd also recommend getting away from it all. The only thing that brought me back was a holiday with my partner where I learnt that it was ok to have a good time again, and to forget about everything even just for a minute or two, so that I could look ahead and see things more positively. You'll never forget your baby, but the hurt will fade.
Love and best wishes to you and your family.

Dear Katieb

My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine what you must be going through.
I think you should go to your doctor. I am sure that you are entitled to sick pay. I was really badly injured during the birth of my child and was written off by my doctor once my maternity pay ended. For some reason I had to go on unpaid leave for a month but then was put back on the payroll, but this might have just been my companies system. Fortunately for me, because I had a good employer, when I did go back on the pay roll it was on full sick pay for several months, before it was downgraded to statutory sick pay. It's not much I know, but it is better than nothing. I would have thought your local CAB would be able to give impartial advice on your rights if you are at all concerned.

Good luck - i will be thinking of you.

Katie,

I lost my husband a few years ago when I was 33 and he was 34. I found contact with others in the same situation invaluable. You may have already tried this, but if not, you might get good advice from Compassionate Friends which is for people who have lost a child at any age. Their number is 0117 9539639. Take care,

Sarah

Katieb, I am so sorry about your loss and hope some of this message will be of help.

The postponement of returning to work after maternity leave is a bit of a grey area. You can check your entitlement with The DSS helpline (it is an employers helpline, but they are very helpful to all callers) on:0845 7 143 143. Because they are very good, the lines are very,very busy but keep at it!

You may want to consider going back to work for just one day (I know it is asking a lot), so that you have technically returned to work before going off sick.

If you had additional maternity leave(up to 40 weeks in total) as opposed to statutory maternity leave of 18 weeks, then you can postpone the return by up to four weeks on grounds of ill health.

Good luck with whatever you decide,

Katie

I am so sorry to hear of your loss - it must be unbearably hard for you at the moment. I lost my son 2 years ago (he was five and died of a brain tumour) and know that day to day existence is hard enough without having to think about work. I was very lucky that the people I work with were incredibly supportive and gave me as much time off as I needed (paid) - have you spoken to your employers - they may well give you compassionate leave. I was off work for about 2 months after my son's death - plus the time off during his illness - and then went back slowly - no-one expected too much of me and some days it was all I could do to turn up.

It may not be the time to change your work pattern - working for yourself would be a great challenge at any time and certainly at the moment. They say you should not make any major decisions about changes in your life immediately after a bereavement. I found it very comforting to be around people who knew what I had been through - but then I have met other parents who found it better to be with strangers - although you are always faced with the inevitable questions like 'how many children do you have?' which are unbearable. I suppose it all boils down to how supportive your employers and your colleagues are.

Whatever you decide - good luck - the best piece of advice we were given was - be kind to yourself.

I wanted to thank everyone who responded to my message. I still haven't decided what I'm going to do about work but your suggestions and your support really helped.