Difficult collegue.

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Firstly I have to say I do not dislike this collegue but working with her is difficult to say the least.

She has been at company for over 30 years and me only 3 1/2.

Shes very much 'this is how its done', not much room for development and new ideas.

Its a school and yesterday I was asked if a certain pupil (with 1:1 needs) was off again to go to another class as a member of staff there was on a course, with the teacher from my class too.

I went in the morning before school started, bearing in mind I get paid from time school starts, to see what the lessons were and what the teacher wanted me to do. (teacher was also out of class that morning).

I was due to be in my own class, as normal for the first part of lunch. We due a duty eaither 1st or 2nd half. I arrived at 12.05pm, and dumped bags washed hands ready to feed a child and she said she was going to ask if we could swap. As it was nearly 10 past by now I said oh right, well its late now. Turns out she actually meant she'd decided we were swapping and so I had to go to have my lunch 10 minutes late. She used the fact she'd had her break late as an excuse.

I was annoyed but left it.

Today the teacher asked me if I was OK. If anything was wrong as this collegue thought I'd been upset/ in a mood the day before and apparently delayed going to the other class by discussing the childrens education. (as if thats a bad thing ).

I said I was fine, had gone 10 minutes before school and was annoyed over the lunch duty, as:

1. she should have asked/told me before then

and

2. she does this everytime she's in charge.

I am now cross that she has obviously realised she was wrong and made out I was upset because I was already in a bad mood/ didn't want to go to the other class, therefore undermining my feeling over the real issue.

The teacher has said she'd have a word but I am wondering what, if anything, I should do now.

My first time posting here.

I don't really understand exactly what the problem is. Did you end up having your lunch late because she told you to swap?

Were you in a noticeably bad mood after that? Are there other examples of where she has upset you so that we can help you come up with a plan?

I was late for lunch becuase she 'wanted' to swap lunch duties. She didn't ask/ tell me before hand and waited until a few minutes after I went in before asking and then making a fuss when I said I didn't want to.

I was annoyued but not in a bad mood, I'm an adult and dealt with it.

It was that she then went and told the teacher I had come in in a bad mood etc etc, so if it got back what she'd done it would look like it was becuase I was in a bad mood, didn't want to go to another class, not because actually what she did was discortious. (sp?)

She is known for being hard to work with, although she is a lovely person. She just is so 'contolling' for want of a better word, and so calm in the way she speaks, that if you disagree or say no you end up looking mean or difficult.

Just one of these people that will say when you stop to breathe, 'Oh, the tea hasn't been made yet' or 'so and so needs doing' - leaving no real answer than 'oh ok I'll do it'.

Its a standing joke that she'd clean the washing up liquid bottle for 1/2 hour (so she looks busy) telling everyone what needs doing if there was jobs to be done she doesn't want to do.

Is she more superior than you? Are you equals? Are you both teachers or TAs?

The thing that stands out for me from your first post is you come across as fairly agreeable - if someone asked me if we could swap breaks at 10 past, I would say no, too late, you should have asked me earlier - difficult I know, but you have to stand up for yourself otherwise she will walk over you. Just smile and say 'Oh, I would have, but it's 10 past now, so ask me earlier next time.'

Unless she is your team lead/manager, she can't really decide for the both of you, and even if she is she needs to be reasonable.

She sounds manipulative and you need to stand up to her or else she will keep treating you like this. I wouldn't worry about looking mean or difficult.

Her: Oh, the tea hasn't been made yet.
You: Are you going to put the kettle on then?

Her: So and so needs doing
You: I'm helping Lucy at the moment and after that I'm organising a painting session

Thankyou, yes is superior. She is superior to all all of the LSA's in class, Theres 4 of us, 3 on each day.

I accept that and would have swapped if she had 'told' me to, just before the event and not into it iyswim.

I did try and say no, I said well I had my break late too, expecting to have luch later today, reply was 'well I had mine later' (and I know she lied about how late!).

I guess part of it is I do not feel it appropraite to stand and argue.

I did the tea one the other week. I'd literally walked through the door and was hanging up my coat.

HER: Oh the tea hasn't been made yet.
ME: No probs I just have to do x and then I'll do it.

20 secs later she did it with the most obvious huff on. Thing is I was about to ask who wanted one, its just that its got the point now where I want some control over what I do. Maybe it is me making things difficult?

I read somewhere once that you can't change the way people are, just your reaction to them, so I think you need to look at ways to react that don't make you feel so down trodden.

If it's making you feel unhappy, then it's not right - can you discuss with your other collegues any strategies like a tea rota or ways to react.

If she gets a huff on over the tea, that's quite childish and manipulative (also from my point of view as I'm not you, quite funny).

I don't think you are making things difficult, it's a difficult situation that she is creating.

Are you into psychology at all? This might be interesting to read through, it won't resolve, but it might make you understand the dynamics at play in future situations and you may be able to develope appropriate ways to respond.

Oh I'm very into psychology. I'll read your link asap, have to go now as DS has swimming club.

Thanks for all your help so far. And yes I do laugh but then feel awful for finding it funny.

Are you all LSAs? If so, how can she be more senior? She can't make you put the kettle on, it surely isn't part of the job!

1 teacher, 5 LSA's. 4 LSA's a day as 2 are PT. She is a higher grade, I was recently promoted along with PT LSA.

We do make tea/coffee for everyone every morning, I take my turn too.

Its the way she speaks that leaves no room for argument that gets me down. The other week something needed sorting, as soon as I walked in she said, Oh this needs sorting and I need some help. The only way I could have got out of it was looking lazy/ mean and not doing it. The teacher even apologised to me, saying I know you've just walked in.

Everyone knows she's controlling, and if she wasn't actually such a nice caring person it would be easier to dislike her and argue back.

She's just so reasonable with the controlling. I love my job and I'm happy to do anything that needs doing, I would like to get on with them without giving this collegue the pleasure of it always being because she says so. I know other collegues feel the same.

To ber honest, it seems a little bit petty to me - having lunch 10 mins late is really not a very big deal in my opinion.

Over the tea thing. Try not to see it as her instructing you (which you seem to be doing) and just allow her to say it and have no effect on you, does that make sense?

I was once taught a good tactic. Inwardly say 'cancel cancel' to yourself every time something someone does something negative or something that winds you up, and then you move on and get on with the important stuff that you need to do.

Also Paul McKenna's Eliminate Stress cd is great - it teaches you to mentally place that person, and their annoying habits, outside of yourself, so that you stop reacting the way you do.

If someone said 'oh the tea hasn't been made yet' I'd be more inclinded to day 'ooh yes please, white with two sugars, thanks very much'

Sorry, there are too many 'something's in that sentence

Your right the late lunch isn't really a big deal - I still got 20 minutes.

More that then 'lies' were made up and told about me for no reason other than she knew she was wrong/unfair and wanted to belittle my feelings over the event.

I need more confidence.

You need to address this yourself I think. It's all very well asking the teacher to have a word with her, but imo the first and usually most effective way of dealing with this kind of thing is to do it yourself.

Your colleague may have no idea how she's coming across. Have a coffee with her, explain what she's doing and how she's making you feel and ask her not to do it. Then, if she continues to do it, pick her up on it everytime, rather than silently fuming to yourself and getting worked up about it internally.

It's like children really, unless there is a consequence when they behave badly, they will continue to do it, especially if they have no idea they are doing something wrong. First you point out to them what they are doing wrong and how you would like them to behave, then if they don't do it you pick them up on it.

I think this is seeming like a really big deal to you because you are not dealing with it. I think if you (not you personally but anyone) just maintain outward appearances but get cross inside to yourself, things grow and become bigger because you end up resenting the person for not knowing how you're feeling and changing as a result.