Now that Ds's both in school, I think about giving up work - MAD??

[annh]

DS1 has just started yr3, ds2 has finished his first week in reception. After whatever number of years with nurseries and nannies, I thought I would finally be looking forward to having a bit more money at the end of each month and (somehow) a slightly easier life. And yet it seems to be the other way around. Instead of needing me less, I think the boys need me more than ever!

DS1 does guitar and tennis after school and although our nanny sometimes gives me some info on what he has done, something he has to bring for next week etc. I feel distanced from the activities and feel I would be much happier if I could collect him myself, see how he is doing, talk to the teacher etc.

At parents evening on Tues, both class teachers were appealing for parents to come in and help and I felt that I would love to do so but my only free day is Friday during which I am trying to do the shopping, cleaning, get my hair cut, find some of that elusive "me" time etc. I am so torn between wanting to help out/see what happens in class and giving up my Fridays because of course, if I help in one class, I'll have to help in the other!

Not many mums at school seem to work full days and I get the feeling that if I invite kids around for after-school play, they would rather I was there (even if only for them to chat to at collection time!) than my nanny.

I also find that ds1, who is bright, could do with more stimulus from me in terms of providing work sheets etc., looking stuff up on the internet in relation to his topics - and now that he is older I actually enjoy doing this but it's just such a squeeze fitting it in in the evenings. Ds2, less bright, could do with help just on numbers and letters. Of course, my nanny could do some of this and does, but I suppose I feel the usual parent guilt that I could/should be doing it better/differently.

And then there's the whole dilemma of childcare after Christmas when ds2 goes to school fulltime and I need to find alternative childcare

I love my job, work locally, get paid well for what I do and have some nice perks so it would be difficult for me to give up. On the other hand, I make so little money from working currently after paying nanny, we could certainly survive without that money and I get the strong feeling that our boys would be better off overall - but would I?!

Am I the only one to have thoughts like this? Sorry this turned into a marathon ....

I would think really carefully about giving up work completely. Having been mostly a SAHM for 12 years I have found the biggest problem is boredom, and also the way your confidence plummets when you are out of the job market. If you have never been at home full time before you may find that the reality doesn't live up to your expectations. I think that if you pick up your boys once a week and have good childcare they are unlikely to suffer if you work, and you should consider the effect giving up work would have on you first and foremost. Of course, we are all different, and you may love being at home, I am in no way criticising those who do - I wish I did, TBH.

In your position I think I would try to look to reduce my hours or give up some of your Fridays to helping at school.( I have to confess, though, that I have very rarely helped at school with any of my 4 since I have always had a younger child as well - I don't think they've noticed!)

I think you're quite right, btw, when you say they need you as much as they get older. I also think that they grow up quicker than you can imagine and when they have grown up and you've hopefully helped them fulfil their potential it's better if you are still able to fulfil yours.

I have to work part-time as there is no after school care here. I am lucky to find a job that allows me too drop off and pick up kids so i can take them to activities.

I don't really want to work full-time anyway so I
think this suits us all.

Skribble, you've hit the nail on the head. I did give up work when pregnant with ds2 (enforced, as we moved country) and spent three years at home which I found really difficult. I was a mixture of bored, depressed and stressed and don't think the boys really benefitted either. With the right childcare (which I do have in place now) I think we are all much happier with me working. BUT I do feel I could/should do much more at home, school etc now the boys are getting older and it will be so difficult to get to everything at school when the amount of class assemblies, nativities, book week parades etc has doubled.

I already work 4 days a week and my job can't in all honesty be done in any less. The company are very good and I feel would be accommodating of me having (even) more long lunches etc to cover everything but it's just not fair on my work colleagues as our office is busy and if one of us is not there the others pick up the slack.

I guess I am just afraid of giving up work and then finding that I have the same issues as before, although feel it would be completely different now as we are back in this country, with a wider circle of friends, speak the language etc all of which were problems before. Also afraid that if it all turns out to be a horrible mistake, I can't turn back the clock and reconstruct my carefully-planned job, childcare etc!

Don't forget that at least some of the school activities are optional - book day parades, easter bonnet parades,etc. You don't have to help at school, either, if you aren't able - I actually think you could argue it's better for your children if you don't - making them more independent. You could join the PA instead, usually evening meetings and weekend events and get an insight into the school's workings that way - you do get a lot of gossip in the PA!

I think if you are happy and fulfilled it will be better for your boys in the long run than if you are miserable but have the time to go to everything. I think I'm a bit of a poor excuse for a mummy sometimes because I attend the essential things but only do the others if it's convenient - I wouldn't wake a baby from a nap to go to an Easter bonnet parade, for example.

I don't know if you should pay that much attention to my ramblings TBH - I am sick of being at home and counting down until dd2 goes to school and I can re-enter the world of work! If I have any spare time I'm more likely to read a book than help anyone with their homework, or attend a PA meeting...

I think going back to work made such a differance to me because I was in a new area and didn't have any friends at all. DH working 2 jobs so I was very lonely. I think my PN depression would have got out of control if i hadn't got a job after having my first. I still wasn't working much through the day so was quite glad to get something that suits once they both went to school. If I had a circle of freinds with kids the same age and spent my days having coffee at each others houses I wouldn't have need to get out and work in the adult world . I think if you do need adult contact but it doesn't have to be work. I just need time to be me not mummy. I did an evening class and it had the same effect.

All mums need a bit of time each week when they can be an individual and drop the mummy role for a bit.

I am stopping work now (children age 1, almost 4, almost 6) because I find that them being in school/preschool takes up even more of my time than when they were "just at home". There is just so much of their lives to organise....

So... not mad at all. Pretty much what I am doing.

I gave up work as soon as DD went to school .... and it's the best thing that I ever did.
They can now :

• go to their after school activities
• go to their friends parties
• take the day off when they are sick ( rather than being bundled in quickly as I run for the door )
• get help with their home work
• have those extra cuddles when they / I need them
• Have a more relaxed Mum about ....

BUT

I have a great network of friends who are in the same boat so I am not bored. I have company and support when I need it - and the space to myself when I need it.

It's horses for courses - go with what you heart tells you

HTH

I can honestly say I have tried all combinations of mother hood and work. For six years (preschool) I was a SAHM, once they were all in school I started part time but did have an Au pair but hated having another person in house so worked part time no child care and now I am back to SAHM but just got chance of fulltime fantastic once in a life time chance of a great job and thinking of going back and getting Au pair. I love both lives, at work meeting people who know you for your worl rather than so an so's mum is really nice. I think you have to follow your heart and do what feels right for you. Personally I would have held off going back to work at all but in my field you just get left behind and my work is flexible so I can fudge hours and do school plays and sick days.

not at all. at the moment i work only 2 days per week, and plan to give it up once my dd1 starts full time school. work will always be there. my mum gave up work to be at home with me and my sister until we were 12 and it was the best thing for all of us. if you can afford to give up work why not ? it sounds like your little ones need you. as long as you keep busy, pursue another hobby not child related, and maintain a healthy social life, you'll be fine. good luck !!!

Thanks for the advice everyone. Lots to think about - it's all whirling around in my head and I am going to speak to someone in HR tomorrow to let them know that I am having difficulties in reconciling everything. Without blowing my own trumpet, I know that my work is highly regarded so who knows, they MAY come up with some suggestions to help out although I can't bank on it. At least, if it does come to the point of me resigning, it won't be a complete shock to them!

Go for it annh ... see if you can have your cake and eat it .... sometimes we just deserve it

Having my cake and eating it would be a first!

Hello,
I am looking for some SAHMs to talk about their experiences to a sympathetic national newspaper. If you gave up a good job to bring up your kids, and are glad you did or wished you hadn't, please get in touch, it would be great to hear from you.
email: [email protected]

YOU NEE D to pay for this sort of [email protected]

I have always worked until 15 months ago. DS1 and DS2 both in nursery care. Found working really stressful and was always knackered trying to juggle the two. Good job BTW. When DS1 started school realised that something had to give, mainly because of school holidays. I was trying to get him into all sorts of clubs and found the 6 weeks hols a real nightmare. After much soul searching decided had to give up work. Realise how lucky I am to have the option but no always been the case. Love it though. Have a good network of friends and do a lot of running to keep sane - know this is not everyones cup of tea but can't believe how I have adapted to SAHM when I always looked down my nose at people who did it when I worked. Go with your heart I would say you can always go back to work if things don't work out. XX