I'm desperate to go back to work

[alicemac83]

Hi
since having my baby 5 weeks ago I feel a desperate need to go back to work. I know it's early days but I just don't enjoy being at home with the baby. I'm suffering from severe anxiety and I feel that my life is somehow over. Every morning I wake up with a sense of dread. My partner had 4 weeks paternity and has just gone back- so I know it's a big change, but I'm just so jealous of him going off to work each day and having his old life.
sorry to ramble - I'm just feeling so low

Hello. I'm sure many people can relate to what you are saying. The first few weeks are totally overwhelming. Do you know of any baby groups near you? My baby was born in October 4 years ago and I found the dark days quite, quite isolating. I found it enormously helpful to give my a day a focus by going to a group.

My Health Visitor was helpful too. Could you give yours a ring and let her know how you are feeling? Mine gave me plenty of support and advice.

It is still early days, so I wouldn't rush back just yet. I did go back after 5 months with my first baby which was the right thing for me, so there is always that option. But give your HV a call first.

Thanks so much for your reply. I have spoken to my HV but she just made me feel worse and suggested I try anti-depressants - which I really y don't want to do. I'm going out a lot during the day, but I feel like I'm just going through the motions, and look at all the other mums who look so happy and fell incredibly jealous. I loved being pregnant and couldn't wait to be a mum - so I think I'm quite shocked about how I'm feeling.

Go to your gp and explain how you are feeling. The early days are quite monotonous and lack of sleep doesn't help, but you sound very low.

5 weeks can feel like a lifetime, for sure.

If your HV was no good, what about seeing the GP? At least get it on record how you are feeling. S/he might be able to offer some CBT or other counselling which could really help.

Is there anything that would make you consider antidepressants? Because they really can work?

Otherwise, could you call in some family support? Do you have a MIL/PIL, a mother, father, friend, brother? Even if you can't stand them, get them over, feed the baby, hand it to them, and ideally go out and do some serious exercise (I did running so that I didn't have to waste time getting to a gym or pool). If exercise is not a goer for whatever reason, then just go somewhere else. Likewise in the evening - talk to your dh about you having a complete break when he gets back from work.

I'm not saying 'well of course you can go back to work' though of course you can. It's just that if you are feeling anxious, stressed and mourning your old life, it feels like going back to work without sorting some of that out is actually going to add another layer of stress onto a stressed system. Talk to your dh about how he's feeling too, maybe you are both feeling miserable and jealous of the other?

I totally agree. I need to sort out my feelings before I go back. Whatever happens I'm not going to go back for another 4 months as I don't want to run away from my problems. Thanks so much for replying - it really helps to talk to other mums x

alice You're right - you do need to battle through these first few weeks which are full of new emotions and challenges.

However, put any guilt to one side. I thought I'd relish maternity leave - having worked solidly for over 20 years I thought I'd love the "time off" but truth be told I was bored shitless and within 8 weeks was talking to my boss about what I'd be doing when I was back... :)

Not everyone is cut out to be a SAHM and that's fine. I've learned that I'm far more focused on my career than I ever imagined possible. I've started work this week (my son is 4 months old) and I am loving it. My son is of course absolutely wonderful, but I'm finding motherhood very "easy" and relish more of a challenge.

Each and every one of us different though and the hardest part for me has been the criticism of others.

how can you find motherhood very easy???

I'm not sure I understand your question.

Alicemac, it's such early days for you and they are always the toughest - particularly when your other half leaves you on your own for the first time. I spent long hours going round the shops! Then I made myself go to coffee mornings and baby groups and in time made a really great group of friends. Everyone is in the same boat, and company makes you realise that life isn't over - it's just changed, and it's a great way to pass the time.
Even if you do decide to put your baby in childcare and go back full time, you can still make the most of maternity leave and enjoy the time off.

(Motherhood easy? - will ask you if you still feel that way in 5 years' time Alpinepony...)

I think that if you percieve the job that you have to be very demanding and stressful then motherhood can feela bit easier just in the sense that it is all on your terms (in that you decide what approach you are going to have to look after your baby)and you dont have anyone to answer to or tell you you are doing things wrong or criticise and the rewards are instant when you look at your baby. I felt a bit like this although i would not say motherhood was easy and some days i felt it very difficult.

Try and see this time as a seperate challange/ project as you would if you were at work. Scout all the baby groups/ baby swim sessions/ even other mums in your neighbourhood (i put a note inviting for coffee through the doors of some mums on my street and we are now great friends) also look for what things are going on at your local surestart centres and get on the mailing list so they send you details of new groups etc. The more you get out and about and start meeting other mums the more you will start to enjoy your mat leave. I found it very isolating at first but decided to make an effort to try and make friends and to enjoy it. I promise it will make all the difference if you have even just one or two people you can regularly meet up with each week and spend the day with. Most other mums are ion the same situation and will jump at the offer of a coffee and regular meet ups. Try looking at your local mumsnet page for meet ups or to chat with other local mums.

Good luck!

You've had some great advice here already so I simply want to add that I too found the first few weeks of my DD's life monotonous and boring and I too was very anxious. I was low but wasn't depressed. I'm not a mother-and-baby group type of person as I'm a natural introvert so I felt especially isolated. I remember going for endless walks on my own pushing the baby as she screamed/napped.

But I soldiered on. When my baby first smiled at 6 weeks my life lit up. Then she started gurgling, wriggling, then she discovered her hands, then she began to hold things, roll over, responded to my singing to her... it got so much easier as she became more interactive after 3 months.

Being a SAHM wasn't for me and I did return to work when she was 11 months, but by then she was the light of my life (still is). However, I never want to return to those newborn weeks/months and I still shudder.

Alicemac - IMO it's absolutely fine to go back to work whenever you feel ready and are happy with the childcare arrangements, whatever anyone says about year-long maternity leaves.

One thing I did that you could consider - when the baby reached about two months I hired someone locally to look after him for about two hours a day (she took him for a walk in his pushchair essentially). This was a brilliant two hours of normality and helped with getting through the other 22!!
So if you can afford it that could be an option.

Plus personally I also think that maternity leave is a weird concept (and I've said this before on here). You leave the world of work and men, where you been happily ensconced for 20 years (or whatever) and are suddenly thrust into this world of lactating mummies (some of whom are) boring on about patterns vs routines, BF/bottle and all the rest of it.

I went back to work at 5 months - at which point life started improving.

So I am with AlpinePony.

And BTW, re motherhood being "easy" as per AlpinePony's comment. If she finds it easy she finds it easy. So what - doesn't mean anyone else has to, if they prefer to characterise it as 'the hardest thing they've ever done' and so on.

alice I hope you're feeling a little more confident in your decisions this week.

Funnily enough I have no doubts at all when speaking to other women in the country I'm living in - it's only the UK which seems so "hell-bent" on extended maternity.

harp Thank you for your concern, but as someone who's lived & worked abroad for 18 years, learned 3 new languages, been a step-mother to a child I've not shared a language with, controlled business over 3 continents, bought & sold property abroad, looked after 2 horses, 3 dogs and a cat single-handedly... motherhood is "easy". :) As someone said on the "is it sometimes hard to admit it's easy?" thread of the other day - there are things in life which are hard, e.g., death, redundancy, divorce - getting a baby dressed & the house cleaned top-to-toe before 10am is a doddle.

mylittlemonkey - you have hit the nail on the head so to speak!

alice - it sounds like you are missing your "old" life and maybe resent your partner for having his old life still? If you don't resent him, apologies - I know I resent my dh at times!

Someone made a valid point - make sure you get some exercise, if your gp is happy for you to. Even just walking in fresh air helps.

I have enjoyed meeting some new mums, but much prefer meeting up with my "old" friends who knew me pre-baby, I meet them and forget I am a mum but am "me". So could you meet up with some friends and ask your partner or someone else to look after the baby?

I know it is early days for you with a newborn, but you will get there. At 5 weeks, a baby doesn't do much, but as they get older and more interactive so to speak it will get better. My dd is 8.5 months and a joy to be with mostly!

Also, if you miss work, you can do KIT days if you and your employer agree. I have done a few and it has really helped me - use my brain, remember I'm me and can do my job, and earn some ££s in the process!

Sorry to ramble in the reply, hope this helps! good luck.

At five weeks I was on my knees. Went to my gp as dd had very slight congestion in her nose and was feeding/sleeping badly even for her. Told him it was all a disaster. Cried and cried.
He told me that five weeks was a classic time for him to see new mums in tears. To do with adrenaline draining away post birth. This was my lowest moment and it's all been uphill from there.
Not immediate, slow, but slowly better.