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Original poster

My parents don't agree with my childcare/going back to work choices!

19 replies

Ghoulfriend · 27/10/2010 12:37

I have 3 DCs the youngest is 21 months, older 2 are at school. I have been a SAHM since DD1 was born 7 years ago. During that time we have travelled round with DH's job but when the older 2 started school we decided to set down some roots. My parents made an offer of help and support and as we couldn't afford to buy near DH's parents we moved to my home town.

We are now settled in our new home and I am thinking of returning to work. To go back to what I did before would require a course which doesn't start until next Sept so I thought I would do some voluntary work in the meantime.

My parents offer of help and support has amounted to the occasional babysitting and not much more - fine I have no problem with that although I suppose a little disappointed.

I have found DD2 a lovely childminder and she is due to start next week and my voluntary work shortly after once I know she is settled.

My dad does not approve!! He thinks I should be at home with her just like my mum was, she coped and therefore so should I. She will benefit and be a better person for it. I completely disagree! I am struggling at home with the 3 of them, DH is away a lot.

My parents didn't use childmindes/nurseries/play schools because as far as I can remember they couldn't afford it and my mum couldn't drive. My dad would go to work on a Monday and come home on a Friday and my mum DID struggle but she had no other option. My mum was miserable, she shouted all the time, we never knew what mood she would be in and she did very little with us. I can't say this to her or my dad but I really don't want to turn into her

OP posts:

emy72 · 27/10/2010 12:49

Please don't listen to your dad, he's obviously out of touch with what was happening when he was out of work.....

I think he'll get over it when he sees you are all happy and settled in well. Maybe he's feeling anxious about your DD with a childminder or maybe he's anxious about his own daughter becoming a "power woman" ;o)

You are doing the right thing, and 7 years is a long time, I know because I'm clocking up 7 years too and I can't wait to go back to work!!!

Good luck with it and I hope it goes well :)

Meow75 · 27/10/2010 12:54

How on earth would your dad have a clue of your mum's experience of parenting when he was away 5/7 of the time.

What's the betting that she never complained to your dad on the weekend to try and ensure that there was a happy household for when he came home?!?!

Original poster

Ghoulfriend · 27/10/2010 12:57

I get the impression they both think my brothers and I had the model upbringing

OP posts:

Miggsie · 27/10/2010 12:59

Ah, I remember a lady saying to me how she was going to have 4 kids, becuase she was one of four and her mum coped fine even with a set of twins and how 4 kids would be lovely. Then she had 2 kids, and vowed never to have more...her mum coped becuase she had too, she had no option but it wasn't a choice she made, she made the best of the situation she had.

Tell your dad this is your choice, you are not your mother and this is now, not 30 years ago. Also, I bet she never dared complain and didn't bother because she knew it wouldn't change things. There is a great deal of difference between someone doing something who had no choice and whether that person, given the choice would have CHOSEN to do it.

MollysChambers · 27/10/2010 13:00

Ignore him.

I have three DC's, similar ages to yours. It is bloody hard. Would love to go back to work. Good luck!

LostArt · 27/10/2010 13:06

You know you are doing the right thing - your dad should keep his opinions to himself.

I've been in situations with my mother were I've just had to ignore what she says because otherwise I would be criticising my upbringing and therefore her. Its an argument that I don't want.

It would be interesting to know what your mother thinks, though.

Original poster

Ghoulfriend · 27/10/2010 13:22

The same as my dad but she's not so vocal - thinks "it's a shame" DD has to go to childcare

OP posts:

Miggsie · 27/10/2010 13:26

As someone with no talent in entertaining toddlers and finding them exasperating and boring (I like babies and older kids) I think that childcare with a good carer is far better than stuck at home with a bad tempered mummy.

My DD had a great time at nursery and both of us were better for it.

Also, I get the impression your mum has to agree with your dad, it sounds like he is not open to new ideas or any form of debate?????

Original poster

Ghoulfriend · 27/10/2010 13:30

Hmm not sure, out of the 2 of them my mum is the more stubborn one but it's my dad that is more vocal and old fashioned and as he's getting older he gets more so.

Just like LostArt I am unable to get into too much of a discussion with them as it will criticise my childhood and my mum would never forgive/speak to me if I did that!

OP posts:

MollysChambers · 27/10/2010 13:36

I can understand why they have reservations. It's all new to them. Once DD is settled somewhere it may not seem like such a big deal to them.

indiewitch · 27/10/2010 13:37

When they say 'it's a shame they have to go to childcare' just turn round and say, 'well would you like to look after them', that'll shut them up. Honestly it's none of their business how you decide to live your life, as you say, your children will benefit enormously from having a happy mother. You have done 7 years for goodness sake. Mine got seven months each before going into childcare and I genuinely don't think it's harmed them in any way. I'm a much happier mother working.
Good luck, stick to your guns and enjoy the time for you. One day they'll grow up and leave home and you'll struggle to find a job after 20 years out of the job market.
Just remember to be supportive parent when it comes to their life choices.

moondog · 27/10/2010 13:38

It's nothing whatsoever to do with them.Refuse to engage in discussions about it or suggest that if it upsets then so much, you would be glad of their practical support.

potplant · 27/10/2010 13:43

Maybe your mum is a bit resentful - you get a choice and she didn't?

If it's the right thing for your family then do it. Mine always had a ball at nursery.

violethill · 27/10/2010 14:04

Agree with potplant. Sadly I think many women of a certain generation just didn't have the opportunities that are available now, and do feel a bit resentful. My mother made a few veiled comments when I returned to work and used a childminder and later a nursery. She had always been a traditional SAHM and tbh I think she knew that in a different era she could have achieved more with her life. And also being totally honest, I think it would have been good for me' and my siblings to see her getting out to work.

frgr · 27/10/2010 22:05

What? Your dad doesn't "agree" with you going back to work? Presumably he doesn't have the same condemnation of your husband? Isn't he a father too - isn't he missing out on bringin them up by working fulltime, isn't he damaging them?

God, this probably touches a nerve because FIL disapproves of my choices - especially since now H and I work 3 days a week each (couldn't live just off 1 wage really and we didn't want H to not be involved in childcare) - that really gets his goat... Your dad has a problem. It's HIS problem.

Unless he's going to be fair and have the same critical reaction of your H, he's got completely unreasonable double standards, and if he's not prepared to help out with childcare either, well that just makes him an unrealistic double standards critic

Ignore your Dad. Smile sweetly the next time he brings it up and rib him for being the dinosaur he clearly is.

mylittlemonkey · 28/10/2010 08:39

Your post really strikes a chord with me. My mum and dad had 5 children (including me) at onbe point with 4 children under 5. My dad recalls this time as how lovely it was and how they managed to cope fine. However, i distinctly remember how difficult my mum found it as she basically was left to do everything! She was utterly miserable and i often recall finding her crying, shouting and complaining that she could not cope. If you tried to tell this to my dad he would be in complete denial saying how she loved having all her children running around etc.

You have to do what YOU think is best. Family will always have strong opinions about how you should be living your life esp. when it comes to your children. Set the bar down now politely but firmly - that you have given great consideration and thought to your choices concerning childcare and you have both come to the decision you want to return to work and this is what you feel is best for your family and you hope they respect this decison. Every time they bring up the subject just repeat the same thing rather than get into discussing the details. They will get the message soon enough and will have to accept it.

Mamafoof · 28/10/2010 11:59

I agree with the above posters - this also strikes a chord with me too. First of all, it is completely and totally up to you. You have done a might 7 years - hello! that is amazing and only you are best placed to know your children and what is the best option for all of you. My FIL and his sister made so many remarks that i was going back to work after 9 months. I actually went back because whilst we don't desperately need the extra income, our lives would be so much more comfortable with it and there would be too much stress without it. It was my husband who was keen for me to work also!

Don't listen to your dad. He's living in a different era and needs to appreciate how much of an excellent mum you have been to date and that you'll be even better going forward.

staranise · 30/10/2010 11:33

My DCs are exactly the same age as you and I am also lookking for work - FT, though preferably with some flexibility. I feel waves of disapproval hitting me whenever I tell my firends and/or family of my plans but I've decided to just ride it out. After 6 years as a more or less FT SAHM, I want to do something different, something for myself and, provided that I feel confident the children are fine, it's nobody else's business.

Ignore your father, your plan sounds a great idea.

Gory09 · 30/10/2010 11:41

It can only be yours and your DH decision.

Tell you parents that you do appreciate their concern but having weighed all your options, your choice is the most suitable for your and the rest of your family's needs.

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