How to cope!

[flyingcloud]

It feels like I have been struggling all year and I would really like if anyone could share their experiences with me on how they cope with motherhood and work and the stress of it all.

DD was born in February. I went back to work pt from home when she was six weeks old. I went back full time when she was 2.5 months old and she has been in full time childcare since she was 3 months old. I have a very demanding job which I love (although I love it a little less since DD was born) and I work in France - I took the minimum ML available (a whole other story).

I have worked or been associated with my company for seven years now, but only in my current role (a high-profile role) for 18 months. Falling pregnant so soon into the new role means that I have been wracked with feelings of guilt about the quality of my work and proving myself to my boss.

I work six days a week, often seven, between home and often travelling to different locations each day (usually travelling five days a week between the hours of 12pm and 5pm). I travel abroad for about four days a month.

DD seems fine, she is happy, content and I have every confidence in her childminder. Of course I suffer from daily guilt about the quantity of time she is in childcare, but she seems to coping with it much better than me. In case you are wondering she is totally normal for a French baby (to be in childcare so young) so any feelings of guilt I voice go pretty much unheard here.

However, I am really struggling to cope with everything else. I forget things, I struggle to do the shopping, I struggle to get the laundry done, I struggle to pay my bills on time, I struggle to do any kind of meal-plan for the week. I am hopelessly disorganised as I just do not have the time to organise myself. I get so down about this. I am constantly tired, I have no time to exercise (I try to do half an hour in the morning before DD wakes up).

Getting DD ready in the mornings to go the CM is a nightmare. She takes so long (she is 8m now) and is just so wiggly and doesn't want to sit still for a nappy change or dressing! I get really stressed out by this as everything gets later and later. Giving her breakfast is a nightmare as she just tries to get out of her high-chair. Distractions don't last very long!

My DH is fantastic, but I don't think he understands how emotionally drained I am. He does his best and when I am away he steps in and does everything. When he is home he does the maximum (but doesn't cook or shop as he is hopeless at both). He works very hard, longer hours than me and is setting up his own business next year, so he is pretty preoccupied too.

My job won't allow for me to cut back - I sort of have to carry on or stop (for the moment) and I am so scare of stopping - I love my career, and I have worked so hard for it. A career break is not an option. When DH sets up his own business I can probably work for him as we work in the same field. I am scared I wouldn't be a particularly good SAHM either.

I am not really asking for advice on how to handle my job, I would just like advice on how to handle the stress of it all. I hate the guilt and the pressure to prove oneself after having a child. None of my immediate colleagues are parents, and my boss (a father of three) is totally and utterly dedicated to his job and has no time for people who don't follow his way of thinking. He has made me aware that there are others who would take my job in a flash if I am not prepared to put in the hours required.

A nanny would be ideal for us, as she could manage the home a bit too, but as I work from our (tiny) home, I can't deal with the disturbances and financially it would be a massive strain.

Is it meant to all be this hard - I guess I am just having trouble adjusting to the giving up of me, the carefree person who did things on impulses and who like to read five books a week and always wrote my thank you letters on time. Now I am someone's employee, someone's wife and someone's mum, all positions I am proud to hold, but I just don't feel that there is any room for just me.

Sorry if you have read this far thank you - I sound horribly self-centered, but it was definitely cathartic writing it all down.

Simple. You are doing too much.

Can you afford help? A cleaner, an ironing lady, personal assistant, etc? I'm sure that would make a massive difference. At the end of the day you are only human and there are only so many hours in the day.

I feel your pain. It WILL get better, trust me, and your career is worth hanging onto, as it's clear it means so much to you.

In the meantime, try to think of small things that will help you get by. In the short term, maybe ask the childminder to do breakfast, and even get her dressed (give her a breadstick and put her in the car in PJs)! Get a cleaner. Get groceries delivered (if you can do that in France). Get smarter at quick meals that don't require hours in the kitchen. Set aside a couple of hours at the weekend where you concentrate on "home admin" and nothing else (for many it's a full-time job in itself!).

And don't feel guilty that you're not doing your job well enough. I'm sure you are. In years to come you'll realise it was just a temporary phase of new parenthood chaos.

Thank you for your lovely replies.

I just wondered if it will pass! I seem to have lost a bit of my brain at a time when I need it most.

I have just started getting a more regular cleaner which has made a difference, certainly to my peace of mind as I don't have to look at piles of laundry, ironing and a dog prints all over the kitchen floor.

I do occasionally get food delivered but you have to pay for it here and the service isn't that great.

Also I look around at friends, who admittedly don't quite have the hours I do, and they seem to cope really well with it all. I just feel a bit of a failure sometimes.

You're not a failure, it's hard. I work full time and have two dd's and am shattered every evening. I agree you have to get more help, also take one day off every 3 months minimum to sort out household stuff. It works. Stop feeling guilty, it's a wasted emotion. Live in the present, when you're with your dd, be totally focused on her, then when she's in bed, focus on something else.
Also agree with previous poster, can childminder give her breakfast, get her dressed?

Wow, you feel a failure?!! I think you're amazing! I have an 8 mo dd and am a Mum full time and still feel utterly exhausted. Give yourself some credit for awesomeness :)

Thanks again - I wasn't really looking for a pat on the back!

I often think being a full-time Mum is harder, as you don't get that time when you are forced to think about something else, and therefore you don't get to put aside the constant worries and stresses which is often more emotionally exhausting.

I think the most important thing is to acknowledge that with so many things to do now you cannot do everything and those things you do get time to do you may not be able to do perfectly. Great ideas from other posters about getting a house maid etc.

It is also worth getting a quick meals cookbook and note a few good recipes and make a staple weekly shopping list that can be printed off so your DH or house maid can do the shopping and meals.

With regard to work dont let yourself feel vulnerable because you are a new mum. I think we often feel that, on top of everything else we have to do, that we have to work that bit extra just to prove that we are just as committed to our job now that we have a baby. I also suspect our employers are aware of this and sometimes play on this which it seems your boss is doing. You need to firmly say that if anything having a child has made you even more more committed and focused on your job as you have your DD to support and work for their future. You do not need to be threatened with the sack to do a good job and you dont appreciate being told this.

You sound like you are doing an amazing job and you should try patting yourself on the back for all the things you are managing to do rather than feeling bad about finding it difficult.

Your 5 books a week and thank you letters bit made me think - snap! I've always liked to be on top of things and found the time when my twins were small really hard when I knew I wasn't. I'd day around 8 months was probably the hardest time for that and it does get better.

I still have issues getting everyone ready to get to nursery now, so not too much to say there.

You mentioned getting up to exercise so I'm guessing you're at least a bit of a morning person? I found the only thing that got me through the first year was getting up before everyone (again only an option if your DD doesn't wake at the crack of dawn). I'd exercise - I did 10-15 minutes, I tried getting it up to 30 but it seemed a huge mountain when I'd dragged myself up and wouldn't do it at all. Then shower, read a book or go on forums etc. Real me time. If the evenings were really bad I'd try and through food in the slow cooker. Or get the thank you letters done.

Things are much easier now but it's been a huge help for work - I sometimes use the mornings now for work I really have to focus on that gets shoved back in the week. Not all the time, or that would be dreadful, but it's kind of a safety valve and usually makes me more productive and less stressed at work.

It does get better and most days I feel in control.

I felt stressed just reading your post. I am now in the position of being career-less in the middle of a recession now my youngest has started school. You have just reminded me why I made the decision I did - so thank you for that .

Without wishing to pry into your finances, it seems that you are both working incredibly hard and are working long hours so I am surprised that you are not able to afford a nanny to make things easier. Maybe you are both young and at the start of your careers, in which case, could you reduce mortgage payments or dip into savings/go in to debt in the short term to make things easier? Life, in my experience, is so much easier when children reach 2/3/4 years, I am sure things will be much easier then, so cut whatever corners you can now.

I appreciate how you don't want home help to share space with you in your flat so can you out-source tasks eg pay for the ironing to be done outside the home, pay for a mother's help to take your laundry to the launderette?

If you can spare a couple of hours then work out 6 or 10 simple quick recipes that you can rotate endlessly and/or cook in bulk - in our house I cook a stew for the night but cook enough for a few nights so on successive nights it only needs reheating. For winter I've got a repertoire of 5 or 6 stews and curries that need zero thinking about and I only need to buy the veg/meat etc on a Sunday.

Simply put, work out a routine of all chores including meals and work out which bits you can outsource and which bits you can shortcut.

But remember that the early years of child rearing are hard - it will get easier. Your career means alot to you so hold onto it. You'll get more "me time" as your DD gets older (my DD is 2.5 years and I already have more time to read and drink coffee and do exercise each day on top of working FT).

You have far far far too much to do.

Give yourself a complete break. Buy instant healthy food, such as filled pasta, bagged salads, plenty of good fruit, cheese, avocados, nuts so you can snack on healthy stuff when you're knackered. Don't cook for a month. Buy the best ready meals you can - no one will die from eating them.

Ask the childminder if she minds you bringing your baby to her still in her PJs with an outfit to change into. She'll probably understand that your baby is at that wriggly stage.

Get someone in to clean for a couple of hours a week and to do laundry for an hour, just to keep on top of the basics. Try to bring them in on a useful day - like Friday, so the house looks good when you have a bit of relaxation time, and your work clothes are ready ironed for the week ahead.

Try to do something really nice just for an hour or even half an hour as often as possible. A walk to feed ducks in the park at the weekend, or an ice cream in a cafe - your child will remember these things, or snuggling up for a story or silly dancing together. Doesn't have to take hours, but it might help kill your guilt. I really feel for you. Not quite sure how you manage but have just applied to go full time myself and have to take the job if I get it, so I sympathise with your exhaustion and panic!

You say DH doesn't cook or shop but in a partnership and when you're both working silly hours and exhausted, surely he could at least try shopping once in a while. My DH thank Goodness does 70-80% most of the supermarket shopping now though when DS was small I took it all on. You say he is hopeless at cooking too, but could he not learn to open cans, crack a couple of eggs in a frying pan and put some bread in the toaster ? Most of the mums I know seem to take on MUCH more than their equal share of household duties even within months of the mind and body-blowing trauma (and miracle!) of giving birth.