Sorry first timer here, long and complicated...

[ToxicKitten]

Hi there,

I am 41 with three teenagers at home(one of my own, two steps) and a DH who is disabled - 20 years ago he had a bad bike accident (broken back and lots of other things)((before we met)) and although he can walk, he is in lots of pain and takes lots of medication which means he is not always at his best in lots of ways, and needs both practical and psychological support. I am his carer, have been for about ten years now since the shop I tried to open folded due to my getting labyrinthitis and the bank instantly pulling the rug out....but that's another story.

I am pretty fit and well, but because our household income is entirely benefits based and I receive Carers Allowance we are stuck in a Catch 22 situation, where anything I try to do to get us out of the Benefits Trap will apparently adversely affect our household stability and therefore the kids to the point where my husband develops anxiety and depression to an unmanageable level. The fact that we can't do anything is doing the same to me.

The point of this post is to beg for any suggestions as to how to get out of this stalemate, because I feel that our marriage and both our mental health is at quite serious risk, and the reason why I'm posting it here is because anything I do consider has to be home based.

I am averagely capable of using a computer, and my background is (loosely) theatre set design and retail management, however my actual qualifications are limited to O level.

Last year I did one term at Uni to try and get a BA in Costume and Set Design, and in that time my husband ended up on anti-depressants and my Step-Mother had a nervous breakdown (unrelated) which I had to try and support my cancer suffering Father through. Added to this one teenager reluctant to complete his GCSEs and it was a recipe for disaster - we have only just sorted out the financial mess from that.

Therefore I have concluded that absolutely everything I do has to be home based.

I HATE HATE HATE the position we are in, and am really being unfair to my husband because it's not his fault - however, the fallout of being in this position long-term means his viewpoint is completely negative and he cannot support anything I do or say or suggest - he just fears repeated failure and would prefer to sit tight and wait for the kids (aged 16, nearly 17 and nearly 16)to leave home before we do anything. By which time I might have gone bonkers, the system may have changed unfavourably, and it's possible he will have suffered so much age related deterioration that it will be too difficult to contemplate anything new.

This morning I have also emailed a psychotherapist because I feel things are getting desperate.

So - my actual questions -

What would you do?
How can I change things?
Should I just accept that this is how life is and get anti-depressants?

Many thanks in advance.

Poor you. You sound like a lovely, energetic person who has been ground down by circumstance.

I know you said you wanted to work from home and presumably want to earn money but the thing that I immediately thought of when I read your post was perhaps volunteering at your local charity shop? A lot of my local charity shops have started displaying their wares far more creatively, which your theatre set design skills would be ideal for. It would give you a few hours a week out of the house and give you something decent to put on your cv when you're ready to start looking for paid employment. It would be far less commitment than starting a degree.

Sorry, it's probably not the advice you are looking for but it sounds to me like you need to get out of the house on a regular basis. Working from home has its own stresses, one is easily distracted and it's difficult to switch off from it, which might not be ideal in your case.

HTH

Hi Missmodular,

Thanks so much for your response and your kind words.

I would love to be able to go out regularly in the way you describe and that kind of voluntary / creative thing would be perfect, but due to the way my life is, I find it hard to commit to anything that isn't strictly under my control and that might result in letting other people down.

For example, I do set design and painting for our local Theatre Club and am on the Committee, but only because I can simply not turn up if necessary - I tend to work alone on a set for a couple of hours and only for a short period - there are six shows a year which rehearse for six weeks, and I can help out very flexibly. The other people there are fully aware of my situation, and accommodate me as much as they can. if I didn't have that to do I probably would have been carted off a long time ago.

My real issues are with coming to terms with the idea that "This is it" and that unless we inherit substantially our financial situation will always be the same or worse once the kids fly the nest.

I know money isn't everything and I have much to be thankful for in terms of a lovely family, but everything seems so unstable at the moment that I would like to feel we at least had control over our finances, even if that control is actually an illusion.

The annoying thing is that I have had at least three ideas for businesses that would run primarily through the web, but my husband is so negative that I just deflate at the thought of trying to do something without the right technical knowledge with someone in the background convinced I'll fail before I even start.

Mind you, since I told him that i posted on here, he has actually said if I did the research he might look at the ideas with me again, although he "knows" it will be a disappointment......

Sorry, I didn't mean to have a long ramble at you - I am very grateful for you taking the time out to respond to me and agree that your suggestion is good.

In fact I'm going out now while DH has a friend here to wield a paintbrush in a therapeutic manner LOL!

The first thing I would suggest is that you look at your income.
Separate the means tested and the non means tested.
Which ones will you keep regardless of how the business goes?
Which will be lost as soon as you register self employed?
Which ones will depend on what goes on your tax return?

Then you will know what you have to lose.
At which point you can quantify to yourself and your husband how much you have to gain.

It costs nothing to be self employed (look up my name on Ebay and click the "me" page for lots of information and links)
then go for it.
Try the simplest idea first. Take advice, be analytical.

Always regret the things you have done, not those you have not.

What about doing something like Avon? As you are your own boss you chose your own hours. Getting out and about and talking to people may make you feel a bit better about everything that is going on. I started just after having my daughter as I was suffering with post natal depression and getting out and going for a walk made a huge difference, as did having that extra bit of money that wasn't already allocated to mortgage or bills, to treat myself with. If you have any questions just ask. Hope you get this sorted soon. Kath