Career dilemma: stay or go while TTC?

[InMyPrime]

I've been in my job for the last four years and have never really liked the company I work for although I like the sector generally. It's the longest I've ever stayed in one job but the atmosphere is very negative, there is quite a bit of bullying and it is very change-resistant. Every day feels like Groundhog Day for me. My job is not challenging me, I'm starting to doubt my own abilities and am lacking confidence in my professional skills. My colleagues constantly question my job and the value of what I do. Everywhere I turn to start projects or take the initiative, I face a brick wall. I can't even write simple e-mails these days without doubting myself. My line manager is supportive of what I do generally but doesn't want to upset any apple carts and so is unwilling to tackle the issue that I'm being frozen out of projects and isolated.

I have been unhappy in the job and thinking of leaving for 2 years and TTC for over 1 year. The TTC thing is not going too well. While I got pregnant in June, unfortunately I had an MMC in mid-August. I took 3 weeks sick leave but am now back at work full-time - and hating it even more!

My dilemma is: I want out of my job as it's eating away at me but should I stay put for, say, another year while I continue with TTC (hopefully with better luck soon) or should I just try and find another job? Jobs are not easy to come by at the moment, I know, and that is putting me off. We are not that reliant on two incomes but my DH is still building up his new business so at the moment I'm the main breadwinner. In about a year's time, there will hopefully be less financial pressure on me but for now I need my full salary.

My biggest problem, really, is that I'm TTC and I feel dishonest looking for a new job when I am hoping to be pregnant and on maternity leave in the next year. Equally, I'm worried about staying where I am getting more and more frustrated about not getting pregnant, feeling like my TTC issues are ruining my career. My main concern about getting a new job though is not being entitled to maternity leave when/if I get pregnant and possibly being targeted to be fired too if I have to announce a pregnancy within my probation period.

This dilemma is really wearing me down and I feel so depressed about it. I think about it all the time but can't seem to get the motivation to do anything about it.
Can anyone give me some fresh perspective? Or have you been in a similar situation and what did you do?

I was in a similar position and decided to stay, have my babies, and then decide. Over the last 4 years I have had 2 children following fertility treatment with DS1. DS2 was an accident, but that is another story!

I was pretty miserable but in hindsight that is more about the strain of TTC and not particularly having my mind on my job.

In the end I decided to get out from the job what I could, and build my CV in preparation for a future job move. As it happens, I'm still there in a part-time and different role to the one I held previously. I'm very grateful that I can work part-time and I am basically working with my eye on the future when my DCs are in full-time school. When that happens I shall apply for full-time posts or re-train in something else.

While I am waiting I am angling in work for all sorts of new experiences and development opportunities so that my CV looks attractive.

Good luck!

I moved jobs when TTC. I wasn't unhappy but the team moved and I went too. The TTC took much much longer than planed, DS1 was IVF and DS2 just showed up on his own!

I'd say move if you can. It can take ages to get PG. If you want flexible working rights you need time under your belt before you go back. You do have rights as a pregnant woman so a reputable employer should be very wary of firing you, though it seems that your sector is not like that sadly.

And you need to like your job if you are going to be a working mum; it will be harder to look when you have baby to worry about.

Is it possible that your job stress is affecting your TTC?

From a financial pov, I have to say, if I were miserable in a job and we did not absolutely need the money, I would leave. It is just not worth being miserable every day - especially when you are TTC as that really can be affected by stress.

And don't feel dishonest about applying for a new job. They will know you are a woman of a particular age, they will do the maths and realise that it is quite likely you would have a child soon.

Regarding ML - that is quite tricky as different companies have different rules about length of service required and it's hard to find out until after you have got the job! What does your current firm give as maternity pay? If it's amazingly generous then I suppose that might be a good enough reason to stay, but it would have to be pretty fantastic.

You hate your current job, yes?

You don't know how long it will take to conceive, yes?

No brainer to me, move! I know people feel awkward about moving and then getting pregnant quickly, but they really shouldn't. For all they know, you could then give them 20 years of uninterupted service. A man would never have to stay put in a job he didn't like because he wanted kids (I know it's different because he doesn't get leave at the moment, but the law is moving that way), a woman shouldn't feel that she has to either.

Couple of practical things though- if you are reliant on enhnaced maternity pay, look at how long it takes to qualify at any new employer. Also, if you haven't proved yourself, you might be less likely to have them bend over backwards for a flexible working request if you return (but then, you hate your current job, so would you really want to go back there?).

Thanks for your responses - it's hard to know if the stress of the job is affecting us TTC or not. I sometimes worry (yet more worrying! )that it is and particularly that it caused my recent MMC, although doctors at the time kept reassuring me that it was chromosomal abnormality and nothing to do with me or my ability to conceive. I was much more stressed a year ago in the job (it has improved slightly since then due to change of staff etc) and I think it did affect my menstrual cycle at the time as I missed a couple of periods.

Things have got better since then but it does make me think it's really not worth it. The maternity leave policy is actually not that generous either - I would get 4 months full pay and 2 months half pay and then six months of further leave on SMP. It's not exactly a fortune when you add it all up. DH keeps telling me to 'just' find another job as he knows I'm unhappy. I always say it's easier for him to say that as he's not the one who has to have the awkward conversation a few months into a new job saying 'actually... I'm going on maternity leave!'. Also, there's the 'out of the frying pan into the fire' element, of course...

I am moving more and more towards leaving but can't build up the motivation at the moment as am not in a great frame of mind (partly due to MMC and TTC issues, I think). So far I'm thinking I will keep an eye on the jobs market and if anything comes up that looks good, I'll apply. There is also the option of a career change through a programme I could apply for that would start in October 2011 so I've decided to apply for that and if I don't get it, just redouble my job-hunting efforts. Fingers crossed...

4 months full pay and 2 months half pay is extreemly generous, most companies only offer statutory - 6 weeks 90% and then the rest at statutory (about £120 less tax if memory serves). If I were in your position I would stick it out and look for a new job at the end of maternity leave - if you get something else then great, if not you have your original job as back up.

Erm, actually that's bloody generous maternity pay! (also, SMP runs to 9 months, not 12, so if they keep paying throughout then that's another enhancement).

Just something to bear in mind.

i agree with other posters that your company's mat leave is very generous. Under our scheme you are entitled to 18 weeks full pay and then it's just statutory, and that is considered pretty good compared to most companies - your scheme is even better.
however i don't personally think it's worth staying in a job that you really dislike, and have disliked for a long period, because you're TTC. I think that staying in the job for such a reason puts more pressure on the TTC thing - kind of raises the stakes, making you more miserable each month when you don't get pregnant, because of the "sacrifice" you're making by sticking with a job you hate.
I would advise actively looking for a new job, and if you get one, just throw your weight into it and don't worry about what happens, if you get pregnant soon after starting. I'm sure after a long period of TTC, the joy you will feel at being pregnant will easily offset any career difficulties.

Oops, sorry, didn't mean to sound dismissive about the maternity leave - I'm aware it is more generous than a lot of companies and that has been a motivating factor for me to hang on in the job longer than I really wanted to. What I mean by saying it's 'not exactly a fortune' is that it's something I'm realising I shouldn't get hung up about in the context of a lifetime's earnings.

When I think about how stressed I've been and how sick I feel going in the door to work in the morning, it has made me wonder if it's worth it all for the sake of less than six months' pay. I had thought it was but since I first posted, I've done some thinking about my priorities and no job is worth risking your health for. I've decided to start sending out my CV and doing some networking to see what positions are out there. Luckily my job involves meeting companies a lot and working with external partners so that gives me a chance to get the overview of what's going on in the marketplace. If I get nothing, well at least I'm trying, which is better than sitting at work obsessing about TTC and feeling trapped. Thanks again for your posts as they helped me put things in perspective while I was mulling things over in the last week.

I would leave now. The main reason for me would be that it is much easier to get a job before having kids particularly if you hope to work part time when you become a mum (there are loads more full time jobs than part time and it is always easier to negotiate flexible or part time work from your existing position). Otherwise you'll either have to stay in a job you already hate or go through the heartache of having to leave the kids while establishing yourself at a new company and then hoping you'll one day be able to go part time.

I stayed in a job I hated when TTC because I thought it would be easier and the maternity benefits were great but it wasn't worth it in hindsight - left when DS1 was 18m for a part-time role in another company. The new job has many good points but I still feel, with hindsight, that I would have been better off establishing myself in a different company before having children.