I am so deeply unhappy at work...

[StellaBrillante]

My current role has felt and gone wrong from the start. Lots of plans and ideas but no real weight to actually make anything happen or even for anyone to value what I am supposed to be doing. As far as my area is concerned, it's just not important. I was therefore very puzzled (disappointed) when we went through re-structuring and I was kept on. Before that, due to both serious personal problems and being completely underused at work, I got myself into such a state that for the first time in my life I had to be signed off with stress and had treatment for depression and anxiety for 6 months.

I just don't get it. I do wonder whether a lot of it is my fault. I get on well with my colleagues from my old departments and am still very good friends with them. Here, I'm never included in anything, never made part of the conversation (picture sitting on a coach for 2 hrs and nobody talks to you, not even when you try to participate in the conversation). Not only that, but somebody has gone to my senior manager to complain: 1. that I was doing my Italian homework at my desk, 2. one day when I had a crisis and received / sent a number of text messages (my mobile phone is always on silent and I rarely use it, in particular at work). It is personal. I was also excluded from the decision on how new resources were going to be distributed and came back from 2 weeks holiday to find out that I was the only one who didn't get a new head count.
My boss never, ever praises me. The work that I have been trying to get completed never gets approved or suddenly the money to get things done is no longer there. Unlike my peers, I have to lead and instigate my own work and set my own timescales whereas they work according to whatever project they are allocated to. I don't want to do what they do though as it's all system related and it wasn't what I set out to do when I applied for my role.
I am sitting here today, not finding the motivation to do anything, and can't stop thinking how much I hate my job and hate being here. But then doubt creeps up and start to feel guilty, thinking that it's my fault and that I should be doing more to motivate myself.

I don't know what to think or what to do... Outside work, I'm houseproud, love being a mum and am perceived by everyone as being very hard working and motivated - I love learning and having hobbies, doing activities.

I think you should be looking for a new job. You sound very low indeed, and it's not surprising given what work is like, but I don't think situations like this necessarily change; sometimes you just have to walk away.

Thank you hassled!

I have been applying for other jobs but the company as a whole is being inundated with applications and from a lot of overqualified people too so it may take a while before I can move on. I've got my performance review coming up and I was hoping to discuss the option of going part-time from next year as I'm planning to go to uni. That's a seriously long way away though and I'm expecting my review to have a pretty negative outcome, which in turn impacts on my bonus & salary - the money aspect of it is all that is left so they take that away and there is really nothing.

unfortunately, reading with interest does anyone have any advice for lack of motivation, lack of interest from boss and plummeting confidence?

The only solution is to find another job. I can't see any way that you can do anything to make this situation better, given the hostility you are experiencing from bosses and colleaugues.

I think your depression about your situation is sapping your ability to find a new job. Been there, know what it's like. You really need to throw ALL your energy at thinking of where to look for new opportunities.

I know it's hard but you are drowning at the moment. For your health you MUST make getting out your number one priority.

Thank you all! I agree that getting another job is key at the moment. I did apply for another position last week but even though it would have been a sideways move, I didn't even get an interview. Very specific area of expertise and one which I haven't worked in since I first joined the company - the hiring manager did say that she had never received so many applications for a job! I'm working on my appication for another position, in my old area which I really enjoyed - stupidly applied for my current role as it was the next level up and more money. Stupid, stupid.
I can't leave the company though as I wouldn't get paid as much out there (single parent with no support network, always counting the pennies!) and I have done a professional qualification which I'd have to repay if I was to leave within the next 2 years. Sad, isn't it? It all comes down to money...! I'm thinking of proposing that I go part-time from middle of next year. A long way away but something to look forward to. Everything seems to think that we're going to go through another restructuring though so that danger of requesting to go part-time is that I will get much less in redundancy if I reduce my hours.

I think one of the most important things to do in a situation like this is to get back as much control as you possibly can. So you need to focus and be proactive. You need to focus on two things I think:

1. Your next move. Several comments on this.

If you are only applying internally and things aren't going well in your current job and your manager wouldn't/isn't saying nice things about you to other managers you may struggle. That may depend on the culture/size of the organisation of course.

In terms of improving your confidence and motivation IMO a complete break and a fresh start somewhere completely new is probably more likely to achieve this. You are also more likely to find something if you broaden your search outside your current organisation.

So look at dealing with the obstacle to that. The repayment of your study fees. If you are hoping to go part time next year that will obviously involve a pay cut anyway, so is there no way you could start reducing your outgoings slightly now and putting away something every month towards paying it off? Also if you leave it is entirely likely that your employer would allow you to make payments rather than all in one go. Plus if you find a job elsewhere that is more money that would enable you to pay it back easier. (why are you so sure you wouldn't get paid as much anywhere else?)

I know it feels like a tremendous waste of money but I think if you make the decision to widen your search you will feel as though you are being more proactive about changing your situation and will feel more empowered and more positive. Plus you will be more likely to be successful in changing your situation. So I think although the money would feel wasted it's at least worth looking elsewhere with a view to considering doing it if something fantastic turns up. Sometimes your health and wellbeing are more important and I think knowing you are stuck in the same company won't help that.

1. Improving your current situation. Several comments again

Have you spoken to your manager about it? He/she doesn't sound particularly positive or supportive I agree but again it's about taking control as much as possible. I would request a meeting probably outside the performance review process. Say you are concerned about how things are going at work, and specify what your concerns are. Say you are keen to improve things and would like his/her input into how best to do that, including understanding what (if any) opinion he/she has of what the problems might be and discussing together how to resolve them. It may not work at all, but I think it's worth a go so you can at least know for yourself that you have been proactive in trying to resolve things. It may also give you an insight into your manager's view of things which could be helpful.

Your colleagues. They don't sound particularly nice either and I don't suggest you try and become bosom buddies with them, but for your own sake to make your daily working situation more bearable in the meantime while you look for something else, you need to try and address it if you can. If there's someone who is key to this, more senior in a group of colleagues, or closest to you or something, invite him/her for a quick coffee, offsite if possible. Be honest about how you are feeling, say you'd like to get on with everyone but feel there is a problem and would like their views on it and how you can improve things. It would be a hard-hearted person indeed who didn't respond to that in some way and again it's about you taking control and knowing you've tried.

You need to get out, easier said than done, but your health is suffering. I worked for RNID years ago and various office politics made it a nightmare. I used to feel sick getting up, I used to cry at the slightest thing, I was bad tempered and tired all the time. I thought work was just a small part of the stress but the day I got another job and walked out (without giving notice, thats how desperate I was) I was a different person. I felt 'light' and happy. Although I couldn't see it at the time work was the only thing affecting me, it's just that other things were suffering because of my constant low mood.

Good Luck and I hope you find something soon that makes you happy and that you find rewarding.