Au Pairs

[Zaria]

Can anyone help with ideas on questions to ask an au pair in a telephone interview? She is Italian, with some English (according to the form she sent) and I want to try and have a useful and valuable talk with her over the phone while giving her the benefit of the doubt over pauses, hestitations, due to lack of English. I have had nannies before, and feel OK with this, but an au pair is quite different. Help! What do I ask her?

Batters, how did that turn out in the end? Did the mum manage to get things back on track?

Hmonty, I'm having a part time nanny starting next week - doing two days during school hours (so will take/collect her child to school and be with my two in the day - 2 years and 5 months).I used an agency and was suprised that they found me three possible candidates within a week - so you may be able to find something similar but spread over more days. I thought I would need more hours. Not a cheap option (£6 per hour plus tax etc on top) but seems very good, and doesn't include any cleaning, but something similar may still work out cheaper than your other alternatives.

Batters, good news for them - and you, not having to make that tricky but unavoidable phone call.

Think it's time to add some positive experiences on the au-pair front...
Our son is almost 2 and in nursery 5 days, but dh & I both work full time so were struggling with the housework/ laundry thing AND missing our nights out, so we got our first au pair in June this year. 6 months on things are still going reasonably well. She's 19, Slovakian and speaks very good english, and she also adores our son. Her ironing is great (and it arrives back into drawers /wardrobes or on our bed which is FANTASTIC!)so it's only her cleaning which is a bit haphazard (but I figure I can live with that and I just make a point of telling her if there's something I really need doing.)
We actually found her via our old cleaner who was actually someone else's au pair. This girl's sister (also an au pair in our area!) had a best friend who also wanted to come over.
I'd highly recommend this approach as them having ready made friends nearby is what 'makes or breaks' whether they are happy/ settle in etc.
Taking advice from another friend, we spoke to on the phone a few time to check her english, and also sent her a 'questionnaire/application form' plus our list of required duties and a 'Rules of the house' list. I know this sounds like overkill, but we found it meant everyone knew what was expected and also if there's ever anything we're not happy about we have something to reference it against.
If anyone would like copies of these as a reference/ or to save reinventing the wheel, let me know your e-mail and I'll happily send. As we didn't go through an agency we saved the £150-£200 but we did have to write the 'Invitation Letter' (again I've got a copy if anyone wants it) and she had to go to the Consulate to apply for her visa.
Would definitely recommend it - the freedom of 2 nights babysitting is almost worth it alone!

Can anyone offer me advice on aupairs or has this thread reached an end? Has anyone ever sent an aupair home before there time is up and how did you go about it?

Hi Bigmum, yes we once asked an au pair to leave after three weeks (unhelpful, rude etc - wont go into details here). I sat her down for a talk, said that didn't seem to be settling in well, that the children were not able to understand her English and that it wasn't going to work. I gave her the name of several local agencies to go to, one of which found her another placement - dont know how it worked out!. The only thing I would say is that once you have had the conversation its almost impossible (on both sides) to be in the same house, so do some preparation first - and maybe even pay for a B&B for her for a few days. Sounds harsh I know but it will damage your family otherwise. Good luck

Yes Bigmum, I also have friends who have had to 'fire' their au pairs after a very short period of time, or when things suddenly went unacceptably wrong. I think my only advice would be still to treat them with respect and remember they are alone in a foreign country, and also accept that it may 'cost' you e.g. friends of mine simply paid to put her on the next flight home! The introduction to a local au pair agency is also a good idea, but if I was getting rid of her for reasons of her attitude/ inability to do the 'au pair' job, I'd question whether I felt she'd be any different with a different family - it's a judgement call really.

Motherofone - could you e-mail me your questionnaire,required duties and rules of the house - just to give me an idea. We've been thinking of getting an au pair sometime in the future - we hope to have an attic conversion done next year - so they'd have own "room at the top" and bathroom - which I think I'd be quite happy with. However we've recently met a fabulous au pair who's been doing some babysitting and cleaning for us and is now looking for a live-in job. She's had 2 long term au-pair jobs here already both for single working mums with 2+3 children so has lots of experience and good recommendations - she's older (26) very good with my kids (aged 2 and 4) and they really like her. (I work 2/3 days a week and would keep my present nanny-share going, but feel I could do with help in the mornings and early evenings - it would also save dp racing home in time for our nanny's departure on the night's I'm working, + some cleaning, toy tidying, babysitting etc would be great...if we were ever to have the energy to go out!
I just can't decide whether we should snap her up now or whether I can bare the loss of privacy until we have more space. She would have her own room - currently the(my) study but we all would have to share the bathroom.
Any one any tips on ease/difficulty of getting use to someone living-in.
Dp is very keen - another excuse for him to get off the hook and do even less around the house!
I think I'm finding it hard to get past the idea that I should be able to do everything and almost see it as an admission of failure that I really could do with some help. The old protestant work ethic and all that. Mind you I felt like that before we got a cleaner once a week - and instantly got very used to the idea ....my mother thinks it awful that the children aren't used to seeing me do all the cleaning myself - in spite of the fact that I work 12 hour days 2 or 3 times a week!
I worry that I would still feel I should be doing everything myself so guidance on what kind of tasks I can ask of her would be great.
Just realised - how do I give you my home e-mail -can't poss write it here as it'll blow my cover!!

Hi Motherofone - we've had a request for your checklist from Maras. If you mail it to [email protected] we'll forward it on to her. Thanks.

Hi everyone, thanks for your comments. The problem is quite complex and probably comes down to personality. This is our second au pir and the first one took me 6 weeks to adjust to (adjust to a teenager in the house, invasion of privacy, cooking extra and vegetarian meals everyday, being a social prop etc etc and so on). The first on was actually really good company but was crap at cleaning, cooking and thinking ahead. She needed constant organisation and was umbilically attached to her mobile phone (luckily it was her bill too) her saving grace was that the kids adored her and as we run our own business fromhome it was vital that I could get undisturbed hours. So despite the ensuing chaos, everyone was happy in the end.
This new one is driving me mad, the kids play her up constantly and give me very mixed messages they appear to like her but she is very cold with them. She is an amazing help in the house at cleaning etc, but I would do anything rather than be in the same room as her. I find hernarrow minfdedness and lack of humour quite unbearable and feel constantly judged(call me insecure).
We are incredibly laid back as a family generally and really believe that we have a lot to offer a foreign visitor in return for her help. We include her in everything as do our extended families spending time care and money on introducing her to our culture and county. She is ungrateful and seemingly uncommprehending of 'difference' as interesting. She wants to spend Christmas with us and we have offered to house her boyfriend over new year when we dont need any help so she can spend some time with him.
The nearer Christmas comes (our first in our own home together) the more I dont want to have her there but I cant really find a tangible reason to ask her to go, beyond that I dont like her.

I feel selfish and ungrateful and likewise intolerant of her. She has been with us for 8 weeks now.

Help!!

Hi Bigmum,

I sent the last au-pair home because of the unbearable lack of pesonal-hygiene (the smell had become unbearable) and the lack of English comprehension (The au-pair was a Slovak and I do not speak any Slovak at all). I now have a very nice Belgian girl who only speaks French (which for us is no problem as we live in Belgium) but desperately wants to learn English.

The only thing which irritates me is the lack of privacy, I don't mind "sharing" my living room in the evenings but it drives me potty to be asked incessantly what I am reading/learning, what it is about and why, mind you, translating difficult ideas into French for her is helping me to learn/understand them!.

I personally would recommend au-pairs who are over 20, anyone younger still requires mothering to a certain extent.

Hedgehog
How did you send the Slovak home? Did you literally say 'you lack personal hygiene' or did you find an excuse.
I agree though it is tough to have a young person and I do get the feeling, oh god I sound like my mother, that teenagers are sooo spoilt. Ours complains constantly about the temperature of the house, and the quality of the towels, and sacrilege upon sacrilege...my cooking!! And she lives all over me. My truly beloved thinks she's dull but not that bad but he does spend from dusk til dawn in the office part of the house and creeps out for food and drink when it's quiet. She is with me almost all the time unless I am asleep or working myself and is dissatisfied with everything, which means as she is spending Christmas with us she will also be dissatisfied with that.

I believe that we have resigned ourselves to having her stay, on the condition that if I still cant cope with her by January 1st she goes....

I agree too that an older person would be better and someone who has travelled a bit already and can deal with 'thin' towels and old houses.

Hi Bigmum,

I asked the Slovak to take a shower every day over a period of 2 weeks, I even got a colleague to tell me the Czech/Slovak word for shower. In 2 months he didn't shower once and even now, a good month after having fired him and constantly airing the au-pair's bedroom, there is still a lingering smell, in spite of burning incense to cover the smell.

In the end the controls carried out by the Flemish ministry turned out to be a blessing in disguise as it gave me the perfect reason to get rid of him asap.

My present au-pair is very nice, albeit a bit young at 19, but complains that the house is too cold (I find it too hot!) and chatters incessantly about her views on life, the universe and everything as I'm trying to get on with my reading. I just wish she would go out occasionally and leave me in peace!!!! As she goes home (the other side of Brussels!!!) on the weekends I have the bliss of a peaceful, chatterfree evening to myself every Friday and Saturday! I still find her interesting views on child-rearing rather amusing but this is beginning to wear rather thin........ AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Many thanks Motherofone for all your info. Having at last decided that the invasion of privacy would be too much, I met the girl again on Friday and instantly changed my mind. She seems so nice and the kids love her so hopefully the extra help around the house will more than compensate for any inconvenience....I'll let you know. Your detailed notes are wonderful for clarifying exactly what I can ask her to help with as I was certainly feeling a bit vague about what to ask her to do...I'm sure it's easier for everyone to understand the ground rules at the beginning rather than by trial and error. Thank you.

Hi, Not yet a mum but planning to be. After the baby is born, I will be going back to work. My husband and I do long hours (avg 11 hours away from home), so we thought about an au pair. But, I have read that they can only work 5-7 hours/day. Any experiences?

Vero, as an ex-au pair in my youth (when I wanted to live in France and learn French) I have to agree with Rozzy, any parents rash enough to let 19 year old me loose on their wee babe would have lived to regret it!

Me too Zoya! I blanch when I remember some of my thoughts about kids at that age yet I was a trusted babysitter for several young kids throughout my teens. I would DEFINITELY not employ the young me.
In fact I'm v surprised I didn't get sacked from the job that involved cleaning as well as childcare. I used to shift the dirt about a bit with a sulky face (oh how little things have changed in that department!) and if I'd been my employer I'd have wanted to slap me. I really blush sometimes when I read stuff on here about people's problems with their nannies...

Vero2, I'd agree with all of the above. I was the most rubbish au pair at the age of 20, just as well two of my charges were bigger than me. This would not apply to a young baby, for whom you really need a nanny or a flexible childminder if you are both stuck with 11 hour days.

Hi Vero

In the seventies using mothers helps/au pairs was more acceptable for sole charge and this was the childcare option my parents chose (both parents worked 12 hour days). Let's put it this way - my memories of them aren't the best - one au pair allowing me to try a cigarette at seven years old is a good one, or how about when an au pair walked out on me on my own when I was nine months old and no-one knew for 3 hours. They should never have sole charge at such a young age. I chose the nursery option (collective responsibility appealing to me for obvious reasons) so I would check out what's available there as well as nannys.

Ks, have you thought about a nanny-share? Nannies don't have to live in your house, many nannies are "day nannies" only and as your son is five years old a share would help cut down costs and let him mix with other children/babies.