Boss makes you feel very guilty about maternity leave

[lavender11]

To be fair I can totally see why my boss might be viewed as "long suffering" and tolerant of me, I joined my current employer in July 2007 and am now coming to the end of my second maternity leave planning to go back to work in Dec 2010. First maternity leave nov 2008 back at work 1 June 2009, second maternity leave May 2010 and due back after 7 months as I say in Dec 2010. So yes she has put up with a lot. But I have done a lot of work on files etc during this second maternity leave via my internet connection (hours and hours, sometimes ignoring my baby and paying for nursery cover for my toddler) and my boss still sends me "friendly" sounding emails which always refer to how busy and under resourced the team is and how she might have to cancel her holiday (she never does cancel her holiday but always always talks about it).
I have tried to deal with this by being thick skinned and being polite but not really entering into the conversation. I know she wants me to go back asap although I have told her dec 2010 (exact date to be confirmed). I now cannot do any further work at home for her because I cannot afford nursery for my toddler (being on stat maternity pay) and when I explained this to her she was very unhappy.
I want these last couple of months with both children but especially my second baby to be nice but i just constantly constantly feel guilty. And I know when I return she will hammer me with files like she did last time when i returnd after maternity leave one. Does anyone have any techniques for dealing with this type of thing? thanks in anticipation (and "straight talking" to her or investigating my legal rights are not really what I am after, its done and I am going back, more something to change my thinking and stop worrying about it)

Are you working during maternity leave without being paid?

What a horrible situation :(
I know exactly what you mean!
I think remembering that any enhanced maternity leave package was one of the T&Cs of you accepting the job, and that maternity leave provision is as it is because society has decided that is best :)

It sounds like you are doing work without being paid because you feel guilty about having children.

YOu are like the majority of women who have more than one child - many who have them close together like you - so do not feel guilty or bad about this.

You sound very much like the person i used to be who always wanted to try and please everyone and not let anyone down and would go out of my way to avoid confontation etc. I realised that there are always people out there (eps. in the workplace) who will just take advantage of your good nature and push you to do things to make their life easier because they know you dont want to challenge them even is they know they are actually being unreasonsable.

You have to stand up for yourself and your children and firmly but polietly tell your boss that you have already done more than you should be doing opn maternity leave and want to spend the rest of the time with your children until you officially return.

I promise that she will actually respect you more for doing this and you will respect yourself more.

Dont waste another day and email her tomorrow morning to tell her that you need to talk to her abut something.

I wish you all the best and let me know how you get on.

You need to stand up for your self. I know its not easy but its a useful quality to have especially as a parent. You have already told her you are no longer going to do any work for her. Just leave it at that for now. If she sends any more emails about work then send a one liner several days after she has emailed you to say you are on maternity leave and as the name suggests you are not working.You look forward to seeing her on your return but in the meantime will not be carrying out any further work. She is taking advantage of your good nature.

If all you are receiving is SMP, bear in mind that it is the government paying this, and not your boss. You are working, yet, she is not paying anybody to do your work. It is a win win situation for her, in my humble, unprofessional opinion. As your boss, she is responsible for adequate staffing, and should bring in somebody to cover for you.
If you were not on maternity leave, you would get paid, but as you are not, she is not paying anything for you, and she should used that to pay cover for you.

Be firm and tell her that you are on maternity leave, and if she is so busy, she should get a temp in, as after all she is not paying your salary, so could maybe pay a temp?

What mylittlemonkey said. There are always people in life who will take advantage of others for their own benefit and use emotional blackmail tactics ("I might have to cancel my holiday" is one) to bully you into submission.

You must learn to recognise the unreasonable demands and the emotional blackmail tactics and to intellectualise them rather than fall for them.

She admitted in a team meeting that she and the deputy could not be bothered to bring a temp in for the 6 months I am off because historically they have a track record of not getting on very well with various people who have joined the team who have subsequently left and she and the deputy could not be bothered to put the time into training up or integrating whomever it was.
I agree I should stand up for myself. But now it has got to the stage where I am planning simply to do as much time as I have to on my return and put all my energies into looking for another job. On one level she is a nice person, on another level she is very difficult to get on with and the number of people who have been and gone in the team bear testament to this. I think it is the fact that the market for new jobs is so dire out there and she knows it and I have been too eager to accommodate during this second maternity leave which means I have "put" myself in this situation to an extent. But I want out and I know I am well qualified for something else. She will be livid if I go fairly quickly after my return from second maternity but there you go. This morning I had a phone call about another position (via a friend) so there are possibilities out there.
Thanks for your posts, I know what you are saying is right