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Original poster

Not feeling so good about 3 month old at nursery

16 replies

rachandoscar · 24/09/2010 02:40

I'm preparing to put my teeny weeny three month old baby in nursery next week and I'm having a big wobble. I was pregnant when I was offered my current job (which is a really great job for my career) and it was on the basis that I would just take a few months off and go back full time. This is my first baby and I was never very maternal before I got pregnant and thought I would be desperate to get back to work as I've always been very career minded. But now I'm not so sure. I didn't think I'd like being a pretend housewife quite as much as I do (we're not married and I do zero cleaning or baking so hence the pretend).

DS was a bit of a surprise, shall we say, and the boyfriend and I hadn't really prepared financially. He doesn't earn a great deal, but like me has a job he loves, so I do need to go back for financial reasons but also because I don't want to mess up my career. As after all, one day DS will be at school and I'll wake up five years out of a competitive industry.

But he's so small! He can't sit up by himself, or really play with toys, is exclusively breast fed at the moment and I'm terrified he's going to suffer going to nursery as they won't lavish attention on him, sing him crap songs or baby talk with him like I do. I know the best place for him is with me, but what to do? It doesn't help his nursery is horrible (or at least to my eyes it is - it was the only one without an indefinite waiting list).

Feeling so guilty and sad (I'm not ready to give up being a baby mama!) and uncertain. If I don't go back now (they've been trying to get me to start working since DS was two weeks old!!!) then I'll have to give up the job and probably my career. I don't want to give up my career but at the same time I don't want to put a job before my baby. Help! Any advice, or if anyone has put a teeny baby to nursery??

OP posts:

chutneypig · 24/09/2010 06:31

My twins started nursery part time at 4 months and full time at 5. I found they had attention lavished on them because they were the youngest, likely even more than I could give with the two of them. My impression was that the staff thoroughly enjoyed the silly songs, talking, cuddles etc and were very chatty at pick up about what they'd done etc.

I know it's going to be tough but I think if you give things a go and particularly see how the staff are when you pick DS up, what feelings you get, particularly if you're not too happy about the nursery. Also how they (staff) interact with all the children and parents.

What's making you feel it's horrible? I found the biggest thing at this age for me was the staff and their attitude. How have they been when you looked round?

badgerhead · 24/09/2010 07:59

Have you thought about a childminder for your lo. Your lo would then be cared for in a homely atmosphere and will have the opportunity to grow up in what amounts to an extended family with a mixture of ages and personalised care. As a childminder myself I have recently had child move onto school who was with me from 4 months old & he became like a member of my family & although no longer in my care I am keeping in contact with him & his mum plus also hear about how he's doing from his new childminder.

Feelingsensitive · 24/09/2010 09:59

You need to give it a go as paprt ffom anything else it sounds like you need the money. Sounds to me as though you don't like the nursery. Go and check out some childminders or perhaps a nanny. Could your DP take some time off to look after DS from next week to give yourself time.

nameymcnamechange · 24/09/2010 10:01

I quite understand why you want to go back to work - but please don't put your baby in a "horrible" nursery.

Concordia · 24/09/2010 10:05

hi, congrats on your lovely DS.
i second the idea to look for a childminder, if that's an option where you live. the local council will have lists.
also, could you ask if work would delay your return, by say, a month, or a couple of weeks. i know it is delaying the inevitable, but every few weeks at this age is going to make a big difference, to you both.
they probably will forget they did this pretty quickly but it might make a difference to you
in any event i'm sure things won't be as bad as you fear and your DS will settle well.

MrsCMAW · 24/09/2010 13:21

I agree with everyone else on here - don't send him to the nursery if you're not happy with it. If you don't want a childminder to be a permanent solution why not use one as a temporary measure while he's on the waiting list for a lovely nursery that you will be happy with?

I'm not impressed with your work for pressuring you to go back when he was only 2 weeks old, sounds rubbish of them :(

JustDoMyLippyThenWeWillGo · 24/09/2010 13:27

I suspect that if you are feeling like this now you will not be able to go through with putting your baby in the nursery next week. Especially if you do not even like the nursery. So my advice would be to take steps now to sort something else out, as others have said, even as a temporary measure while you find a better long term solution.

emy72 · 24/09/2010 13:55

Sounds easy for me to say, but couldn't you resign and find something more suitable? Your experience is still very up-to-date and you shouldn't have many problems finding a more understanding employer?

Besides...they can't really FORCE you to come back, as you are entitled to take as much maternity leave as you like?

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 24/09/2010 14:08

Why do you have to give up your job and your career if you want to take another couple of months off? It's illegal to withdrawn an offer based on your pregnancy and maternity leave. You sound like you want a couple more months off - not a bad thing - you should find another nursery as others have said.

It's not the choice between High Powered Career or SAHM - there is a middle path.

thisisyesterday · 24/09/2010 14:19

your instincts are screaming at you to look aftyer your baby yourself

if it was me i know what i would do!

there are other jobs..... but you';ll never get this time back again

historicalmum · 24/09/2010 20:59

I put my DD1 in a nursery (although much later on, at 11 months) and I really wish I'd gone with a childminder. I hated leaving her at nursery - it never felt 'right'. Fast forward a few years and DD1 (3.5 years) and DD2 (8 months) have been with a wonderful childminder for 3 months. There's a massive difference in terms of the care they receive, and the way I feel about leaving them. (Although I'm probably a lot more laidback this time around.) DD2 gets lavished with cuddles and attention, both from the childminder and the older children. She behaves as if the childminder's house is her second home. What harm can it do to talk to a few childminers? I'm sure it won't take away the pain of leaving your DS, but there's nothing worse than leaving your DC in the care of a place you're not happy with. Also, I'd caution against making any quick decisions - give yourself a few months (with the right childcare), and re-evaluate.

EightiesChick · 24/09/2010 21:07

What was actually agreed with your new employers? And was this in writing? You might need legal/HR advice on this but I too am unimpressed with them pressuring you like this, however good the job might be. If you are really the person they want, you have more power than you think - they should be prepared to wait another month or two. Could you even talk to them about starting part time? And agree with the other comments about not putting him in a horrible nursery. Get him on other waiting lists and think about childminders too.

onimolap · 24/09/2010 21:18

It's not that long ago that maternity leave was 3 months and mothers my age who returned to work routinely started babies at that age. They were fine.

But you can make it up as you go along. Start the job and see how it looks. There are other childcare options, and there are other jobs. Your personal circumstancescmay mean you need to go for this post now, and the world might seem completely different once you're actually doing it.

Try to keep as many possibleoptions open, and let your arrangements evolve.

RangTang4 · 27/09/2010 04:34

Follow your heart be with you son until you can find a solution that feels right.

I'm with everyone on this interview some childminders if you can.

Why not take your full maternity entitlement which would buy you some more time. Try and get hold of Steve Biddulph's Raising Babies he has lots of solutions for your common dilemma.

Like you I had a unexpected son who is now 3 as well as an unexpected daughter. I was seven weeks pregnant on my honeymoon.

Your emotions must be on a roller coaster.

Is your job full time or part time - if full time if they really value you ask them to go back part time maybe?

Good lick.

mylittlemonkey · 06/10/2010 20:43

I really think you should contact your work and eplain the situation and say you want another 3 months off. They cannot sack or penalise you in any way as there are laws that prevent women from being penalised by theor employer as a result of being pregnant or on maternity leave. They may be a bit annoyed by this at first but they will get over it and your baby is more important and i think you know this which is why you are feeling so bad. At 6 months your baby will be able to sit up and so much more aware of things i think you will feel much better.

I have agood career which i have worked for years to progress in a tough field so i know where you are coming from. I had to have a similar meeting with my work recently which i was terrified at doing. However, i emphasised how important my job still was to me and that i was still as dedicated and enthusiastic as i was before but that i wanted some more time off. Say it firmly and dont apologise. They will know there is nothing they can do about this and you will feel soooooooo much better once you have done it.

If you do decide to go back then please do not leave your baby in a nursey you think is 'horrible'. Look for a childminder or another nursery further away if you have to. If you cant find an alternative maybe use this as a reason to give your employer why you cant go back yet and need some more time off to find suitable childcare.

Good luck and i hope you find a solution that you are reasonably happy with. Its just awful having to leave you baby esp. so young and really felt for you when i read your post

Haliborange · 06/10/2010 20:50

A few thoughs...

Is it the nursery that bothers you or leaving your baby? If the former, re-think your childcare arrangements.

If it is leaving your baby do you genuinely feel guilty or do you feel bad because you think you are meant to? I only ask this because I suffered greatly due to thinking I was meant to feel guilty!

Three months is not very long. At that time I still felt half pregnant and certainly after DD1 it was 4/5 months when I started to feel up for going to work. I bet you could postpone for a month or two without too much difficulty. If you are not yet fit for work, delay going. You'll do a better job if when you return you are ready to hit the ground running and not worrying about your baby all the time.

BTW, my DD1 was at nursery at 4 months old (ft from 5 or so months) and they gave her tonnes of attention. Everytime I got there the manager was in the baby room playing with her! She also learned to crawl etc very early which I put down to seeing the other children. I really rate a good nusery, but you have to feel confident about where you are sending your baby otherwise you will be miserable.

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