Massive teary wobble. Is this normal?

[londontj]

I've been back at work part time for nearly 4 months. My Mum's been looking after DD (now 10mo) and that's been great. However, due to having to have some chemotherapy my Mum isn't feeling well enough to look after her any more so she's starting nursery next week. I'm having a massive wobble about the whole business (obviously not helped by worry about my Mum). DD loves other kids but is clingly. Once she settles in I think she'll enjoy it but I am feeling sick all the time and keep breaking down in tears, it's pathetic! Before having DD, I was very ambitious. Have spent 10 years grinding my way up the slippery pole of the film business and have got to a responsible position but I am now seriously contemplating jacking it all in. Is this hormones? Please come and tell me if it will all pass.

It is absolutely, 100% normal. Particularly given your other difficult circumstances, what a challenge. I hope your mum will be okay - if it helps, my step-dad had chemo a couple of years ago and basically just breezed through it with a maybe tired day in the middle of each round. It's said that the fitter you are before you start, the better you cope.

I'm sure your dd will be absolutely fine and the transition will be much harder on you than her. Also don't be afraid to re-examine your priorities - you aren't the same person you were before. You can still have the same ambitions, certainly, but you may need to re-balance them mentally (as indeed does your dp/h). Give yourself time to adjust and see how you get on.

Thanks Tribpot. You're completely right about changing priorities. My work suddenly seems completely pointless (except for the money of course, though I'm not paid that much now I'm PT). Don't think I want to be a SAHM in the long term but right now it feels very wrong to be leaving DD somewhere to go and deal with highly strung directors and their massive dramas.

God I nearly started a similar thread the other week when I was starting back. Yes, totally normal, lots of my friends/work colleagues have reassured me. I have similarly been very tearful, feeling sick & reassessing everything. Totally agree with tribpot, am treating the first few months as transition/settling in time and have told myself I don't absolutely have to do it if I don't like it after 3 months. I've found it more freeing to have given myself permission to change my mind later, and I'm already feeling a bit better about it after a few weeks. Is your nursery able to offer you some short settling in sessions before DD starts properly? I found this helpful with DS's CM.

Really sorry to hear about your Mum's chemo, of course this will affect how you are feeling in what is already a highly emotional situation. Good luck with everything

x-post. Totally agree with the apparent 'pointlessness' of it. Article in the Observer last Sunday about how much it costs to put kids through uni helped me see it more as a means to an end though!

It's always about the balance. And not just because of becoming a parent - my dh is chronically ill and can't work, so (a) I have no choice about working f-t and (b) even if we didn't have ds my life would still be irrevocably altered by that fact. That's the deal. You don't know it up front, but it is. I have often thought that in some respects my life and my friends' lives will become more similar as we get older and others have to deal with the stuff that to me now is 'normal'. Bit of a digression I realise but just to illustrate the point.

When ds was smaller (and he's only 5 now!) I really wished I could clone myself, so I could stay at home with him but also go out and do my job. Because I genuinely wanted (and want) to do both. I have chosen an employer who is more sympathetic to my life circumstances than the one I worked for before I had ds, I (and indeed dh) have made choices based on our current needs. But you also need to have an eye on the longer term. See how things work out with nursery and if it feels right to take a career break - say til dd goes to school - then that's the right option. If she settles and you and dh/p can juggle the situation, then maybe that's the right option.

I feel like I'm being Mr Miyagi when I say you'll find the right path for you and your family (and then catch flies with my chopsticks) but give yourself time and it'll figure itself out. Our lives are so upheaved by having children - even if the parents could tell us before we had children we wouldn't understand!

Wise words indeed. Thank you. Sorry to hear about your DH Trib.

I guess I thought that after 4 months I'd be back in the swing of work. My DD is so happy with my Mum, I think them not spending as much time together for a while is making me sad too (Mum has had cancer on and off for years and it usually responds well to chemo but it always knocks her out for a good 6 months).

Am steeling myself to give nursery a month's trial or so then will reassess later if it's not working.

I've read so many articles about the trials and tribulations of working mothers (and in fact wrote my university dissertation on the subject) but you always think you'll manage somehow till you find yourself awake at 4 in the morning conjuring up imaginary evil nursery nurses.