What's so difficult about career/kids?

[IrresistibleInge]

I am starting a website to support and inspire women with life, career and kids choices. It makes me wonder why it is so difficult for us women to live our lives? Is it just me, or is it a struggle for many of you? Do I have children, will it impact my career? Once you have children do you stay at home, work part-time, or just continue up the career ladder. It seems all such a struggle to find the right balance. Once you have made your choice, the struggle is in making it work. Coping with the thought of 'just doing the children', fighting your way through the glass ceiling, or trying to juggle all those balls some way or other. I have now tried it all, and think I figured out what works for me, but it took me over five years, and am sure the situation will change. Men don't seem to struggle much with their role. What's your experience?

For me it's other people's expectations coupled with actually having to leave my children in the care of other people which has been hardest

Yes, StealthPolarBear, I recognise that so much. Other people's expectations indeed. Although if I would be honest, in my case it is mainly my own expectations I am afraid. I always expected to be successfull as I was good at school and things just went well for me. Had a career, then a child, and then suddenly my priorities changed and it felt like I had to let go of most of the career. Looking back it was all such a struggle, and I wonder why? Why on earth is it so difficult?

Interesting questions. You will get more responses if you post on a more general forum eg Parenting or Going Back To Work.

For me it has been difficult trying to do everything and having zero free time: looking after the children, being there for them when they need me yet being tied to my laptop to complete my work, balancing work / children, putting up with an untidy house and me because my priorities are: children, work, house, myself! I guess being torn between all the corners whereas DH, as he works in an office, doesn't have the same distractions and it is 'assumed' I'll be the prime childcarer, clothes washer, house tidyer, etc as my office is also the home.

This is interesting because I have felt it's been a struggle too- yet it was never assumed that I would be responsible for childcare, we've both worked part-time while they are small and we have both maintained a career of sorts.

I honestly think that it's just hard, and that there aren't enough hours in the day. If you are talking about a career and not a job, then you have to put the work in - both at your job and to keep yourself up-to-date, CPD-wise (much as I hate that term). For dh and me that generally means attending conferences, networking days etc and it's really hard to juggle, often we have to say no. Small children also take up a lot of time (no, really? ), and by pre-school/school age have events on at awkward times etc. Even with school age children it's a rare week when there isn't a long weekend/special assembly/school trip/party straight after school and someone has to get them to these things.

I've only limited experience of using paid childcare but it showed me how draining and stressful that can be too - finding someone, settling your child, all the logistical stuff ad then there's always the chance you have to change childcare anyway and do it all again.

Other people's expectations don't really bother me.

Sorry, no groundbreaking insights! It's just really challenging!

For me the biggest problem was that I was expected to do a full time job at a high level and then come home and do all the household / childcare stuff, while my DH carried on pretty much as before. DS1 now 6.5 and DS2 now 3yo and things haven't changed - in fact, probably got worse. I have left my job to set up my own company and DH now sees this as me being at home so thinks that even more should be done while still bringing in the same income.

It's exhausting physically and mentally.

Great to read your responses. It clearly is a real struggle, and thanks for the suggestion of going on another thread, I will certainly try that too, and let you know when the site is ready so you can come and find some support at my site, and some good ideas and inspiration as well hopefully.

I sooo recognise what you say StripeyMoon. I feel like now I am a SAHM I am expected to do all kinds of jobs: driver, courier, personal shopper, nanny and cook. While also trying to get my free lance work going.

My husband just came in, feeling down from work and he expects I drop my work and come and give him hugs and comfort. I feel really mean if I would push him away, saying: ' I have got some work to do,' while in truth all of it could wait till tomorrow. As a consequence, this is another day where no results have been booked.... AAAH.

I just read a joke sent on email (from a man) with things about women and men but it about sums it up..

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

For me it's all about RESPONSIBILITY.

When you become parents it is nearly always the mother who shoulders the responsibility for knowing what to do, when, and making things happen for the children.
It's who the 'buck stops at'.

DH is 'better than most' ( his words) but still relies on me to 'know' and organise things.

• laundry
• birthday parties
• Xmas & birthday presents
• homework
• playdates
• after school clubs
• weekend sports
• school uniform
• cupboard full of clothing that fits
• healthy food
• school snacks/packed lunch
• school costumes
• school events
• friendships
• medical problems
• immunisations
• hospital/Gp appointments
• organising the house
• filling the fridge/freezer

as we all know this becomes a PT job in its own right, but is largely invisible to DHs - it just churns on in the background... the DC put their uniform on in the morning because it has miraculously been picked up, washed, dried & ironed and put in their rooms...

When I had a high-powered job, I just found the conflicts between work/home just too hard to cope with long term.

• Your boss wants you to hang on for an extra 30 mins, but after school club finishes at 5 p.m.
• You need to attend a conference, but it's the weekend of your child's birthday party
• You have e-mails to do at home, but your child needs to practice their part for the show...

You HAVE to put the kids first every time - they're there, living & breathing in front of you, looking hopefully into your eyes, begging for your love, support and guidance. your own flesh and blood - how could you not prioritise them?
Then after months and years of this, you find the
'career' has quietly slipped away... It becomes too hard, too tiring, too complicated to try to arrange the alternative solutions.

And then you find yourself looking at part-time admin jobs that pay a tenth of your former position.

And cry.

Oops - thread-kill with my long out-pouring

Fluffy hamster, no worries, I loved it. It's so true, and so clearly a rant I so recognise. Even though it shouldn't be like that, it's a lot of hard work to get husbands involved (mine anyway) and get him to shoulder some responsibility too.

Do check out this thread in 'childcare and work' - 'going back to work' Post: feeling pangs of grief, is it normal?

You will find loads of us there, all recognising how hard it is to go back to work and/or juggle. You are certainly not the only one where work has quietly slipped away.

Love, Inge

Fluffyhamster all so true, sad, but true.

I also find the image in-laws, parents, siblings have of my work hard to deal with. I work freelance and they think I am just earning 'pocket money' to keep my brain active or something and that if they drop in while everyone is at school / DS3 asleep (my work times) I should stop everything, put the kettle on, make a cup of tea for them, etc. Grrrr. Drives me nuts. DH always gets asked 'how is work going, you busy?' I don't get asked anything. My 'mummy' friends at DS1's school have no idea what I do (or why I bother). They can't understand why I can't just have coffee whenever I want after drop-off at school, or attend PTA meetings, etc. Ah well.

fluffy, so true. For me, I decided to give up my full time job when my DS started shouting at me when I was on yet another conference call and it was like a huge thud in my head. He is at nursery 10 hours a day and then I pick him up and go straight onto a conference call? That is so unfair on him.

So I'm going freelance and hope I can keep our heads above water financially. Fingers crossed