feel close to tears...will it get better?

[questions2008]

i've just gone back to work FT this week after 14 months with DS and although i know he's fine - grandma is looking after him whom he loves - i'm not fine!! my job is new and interesting so far, but i just feel like crying when i think of my baby, even right now when i know i have to go to work everyday for the rest of his childhood...does it get better/easier? will i stop feeling so tearful?

Yes it will get better and you will stop feeling tearful, but ime you never stop feeling torn, ft, pt or staying at home.

I went back part-time and could never quite kick the feeling that I was not doing anything right - did not have enough time for the kids and was not really putting my all into the job either.

Full-time was exahusting and later I stopped working for a while again, which was great for the kids for a while, but left us broke and me a bit bored. Also, stay at home Mums tend to get far too involved in interfering in school life and obsessing over trivial problems, like child being wrongly sent out of class or child and best friend having row. Better to let some of those things slide, both for you and the kids (I know this is a massive generalisation, but it is easy to do).

There is good stuff about going back to work. I never expected to enjoy the baby bit of child-rearing as much as I did, but your world does shrink.

It felt to me like the first time I ever looked down a microscope. I expected it to be dark and yet it was incredibly bright and detailed and sparkly. There was so much there that I never knew was there. So tiny changes in your baby seem incredibly fascinating. In the same way, going back to work felt a bit like straightening up from that microscope and taking notice of the world around me. I lost the crick in my neck from cradling a baby, and I suddenly did not need to walk at toddler speed; I could stride out.

Hi Questions
It will get better- hang in there. The other poster was right- some aspects of feeling torn will not go away but you will feel more balanced about it. Just be prepared to give it time. I saw it like one massive episode of post holiday blues as well as missing the baby.

I went back FT in January after 11mths off with DD1. Someone said it takes 6ths to settle back in and I'd say that was pretty accurate. I had a turning point after 3mths when things improved hugely though. She is now 18mths and thriving at her nursery and Im making the best of work and really enjoying it.

Personally I think going back to work after DD was as big a change as her being born in the first place. There is so much pressure on the mother to be everything (and rightly or wrongly it seems less for the father for some reason).

Be kind to yourself and dont expect to feel ok about it immediately. Take some comfort that your DS is having 1-2-1 care with grandma. Thats a fabulous thing for you both.

Do you have anyone at work who is in the same boat or had recent experience who you could 'buddy' up with or just have a coffee with? Since I've come back I've become hugely involved in my company's maternity returners group and it's very rewarding.

Keep posting on here and good luck. If working is what you need and or want to do, hang in there.....

PS - on tearful thing- thats normal too. On the bad days I used to cry up and down the motorway to and from work. It was truly awful. I felt like I was doing my job and being a mother badly.

Once I was settled( after 2 months or so) the big thing that helped me was to focus on getting something from work..... once I had more of a purpose at work I felt that leaving DD was much more worth while.

Thinking of you x

thanks for you replies. im just trying to get to the weekend at the moment so i can spend two days at home and see what a complete week feels like, IYSWIM. I'm just so shattered already (!) and i feel this big ache inside all the time. im glad you say it does get better.

It always feels like a very hard choice between going back to work or being a SAHM, but I think it helps me to feel it doesn't have to be so cut and dried. I started back to work when DS was 11 months and I felt awful for a long time. I got myself really worked up about what I was missing etc.. I know I could have made it easier for myself, but I didn't want to because I wanted to summon up the courage to give up work. So, I wallowed in guilt trips and really made myself suffer. I still didn't manage to pluck up the courage to resign. Still, I did manage to negotiate two months of unpaid leave this summer. Those two months were really wonderful and now coming back part time (DS 19 months) it doesn't seem hard.
I think that one possibility is just to decide not to do the guilt trip thing and just get on with it. But I couldn't do that. But, I think the possibility of seeing a bit of how the other half live is a really good one. I notice that another post here talks about having worked part time, full time and having had some time as an SAHM. I think my two months off were good for the children and helped me to avoid a few mines in the mine field of work and family which was seeming to blow me up every morning (afternoon, evening, night..!).

Sorry, it's me again, but I just thought I'd add that the book "Unbending Gender, why work and family conflict and what to do about it" by Joan Williams gives an impressive analysis of the problem. It really helped me to understand why I was getting so hung up on feeling inadequate at work and at home. It didn't solve my problem - and apart from the German solution of three years parental leave for everyone - plus making those three years paid (in Germany it's only the first year) I don't think there is a solution. But, somehow the book's take on the history of the "ideal worker" (total dedication to job with an unlimited supply of childcare from the children's mother) versus the mother at home helped me a lot. Somehow, being a working mum I felt so disconnected from everything - motherhood and work - and this book gave me a bit of a reference frame.

I can understand how you feel and like someone said it will get better with time. The funny things is that the kids are ok, it is us the mums who are wracked with guilt. I went back to FT work when DS was 5 months and he was cared for by Mum in law. It took me 6 months to properly settle back into the routine. Now he is 2.5yrs, goes to nursery five mornings a week (Dropped off and picked up by nanny) and I take a day off work during the week to take him to school, pick him up and chat with his teachers. I don't care what the other SAHMs think about me because I have learnt that in life, things are not always as they appear and just as I won't criticise their decision not to work, I should be able to work to provide for my DS and not put the burden on DH. I hope it works out but believe me, women are made of strong materials.. it will work out!

Hi there, I've just joined...partly motivated by the fact that I'm finding being back at work so hard and wondered if it was normal (i've been back three months now). I'm only working two days a week, baby is one year but I'm struggling to feel part of the team at work because I'm now only pt (i was Ft) and struggling to leave baby, in fact I'm filled with dread most of the week and only really happy when my working days are over. I'd probably want to be at work if I was staying at home but the grass seems always greener. I feel like crying all the time, its helped reading your messages.

Just wanted to say that I thought Jaybird's post so well articulates the issue and how I'm feeling. I'm due to go back to work soon and I know my DS will be fine in nursery as he's so sociable and has never had an issue in childcare scenarios to-date, but I am really worried about my ability to juggle everything. I guess what I'm getting from this thread is that it's probably going to take quite a while for me to feel happy about the difficulties of working and mothering, but it will get easier and there are so many people in the same boat. Thank you.

I've been back at work three months, since my boy turned one. I work four full days a week so I always have a three-day weekend to look forward to. And DH has arranged flexible working so he can work from home one day a week and look after DS.

I would say I'm pretty much back in the swing of things. DS is settled in at the childminder's and seems to really enjoy his three days a week there. But I always dread the start of every week, handing him over to someone else.

Today I was in Waitrose in my lunch hour and I heard a voice yelling 'Nahh! Nahh!' and it sounded just like DS. I had to go and find the owner of the voice to make sure. It wasn't and I all of a sudden really missed my boy. I felt ever so sad for a minute. I guess I'll have many moments like that in years to come, especially if he's poorly or having problems at school or something. I'll have to get used to it if I want to pay for those luxuries, you know mortgage, fuel etc.

How about requesting PT hours even if just 4 days a week? Everyone is entitled to request flexible working hours if you have worked at your firm for 26 weeks previously. Have a look on ACAS website for details. This maybe a better work life balance for you.

I cry most mornings and I've been back at work since Jan '09! That's partly why I drive to work, for a bit of privacy . It does get easier but leaving dd in the mornings still hits me hard.

I also work FT (from home) and my DD is with a CM. She's 2 now and she's been with her CM since she was 10 months. She has a ball at her CM's - she has her little posse of friends and quite frankly she's thriving and happy there. I don't have a heart to reduce her time there by going PT.

I would love to spend more time with her but the guilt has now subsided because of how happy she is.

It's really hard, but as others have said, some parts do get better. I have been back at work since January and DD is now 22 months. Sometimes I just want to quit and go home, even though I know we can't afford it!

My DD seems to really like nursery, she's a happy and confident little girl, and I like to hope she is learning a lot about the world and other people from her time there. They sent home an envelope of photos from the last few months last week, and looking through them this morning, I felt pretty choked about all the things she has done that I have missed but still thankful that she has had the chance do do those things none the less and make lots of friends while she was at it!

But those of you who are FT, would you go PT if you had the choice? I'm asking because I currently work PT from home with childcare two days a week and I hate it - it's so boring working from home, no steady income, no career progression etc but it works out very well with the children (aged 2, 4 & 6) ie, if they're ill/holidays/school events, I'm always there.

I'm applying for a couple of FT jobs because I want more interesting work, regular income (and there's no PT available) etc but I know literally no-one in my area or at my children's school where both parents work FT. WOuld I be crazy to go for FT work, particularly as the cost of childcare would be so great that my contribution to household finances would be very minimal? DH also works long hours.

Staranise- I've not experienced it yet, but go back FT next month when DD will be 7 mths. I don't have the option of PT at the moment as we badly need my FT salary so I've not really allowed myself to think what I would do if we had the choice. My partner also works FT and pretty long hours.

Logically, for career progression in my line of work, PT would be detrimental, so even if a huge chunk of my income is going on childcare it makes sense in the long term for me to be FT. If I allow myself to think about it emotionally (which I try very hard not to do) I would choose PT. I also know virtually no-one who's gone/going back full time and find myself very jealous of those who have the choice.

Thanks peapod. If it's any help, I went back to work after my first DC, when she was only 5 months, 30 hours a week. GOing back was a jolt but after the first couple of days it was fine, DD was fine and I actually enjoyed it. There;s very little decent PT work out there so I feel it's either FT or nothing.

Staranise, I'm currently FT and whilst my DD is still a preschooler it's working out well. But I imagine it will be tougher when she starts primary school in 2.5 years time - the shorter school day combined with having to look at pre- and after-school care plus wanting to attend key schooling events... I think then I may have to consider shrinking my working day if that's possible (and at the moment it's entirely possible as I'm a writer who works FT at home).

Yes, Orissiah, school does demand a lot - but working from home must give you some flexibility, no?