Feel like I'll never get a good job again

[Plussizemummy]

Hi All,

I left work when DD was one because my company would not offer flexible working and I was contracted to work between 08:30 and 17:30 daily which in reality meant more like 07:30 to 20:00 because I quite often travelled around South East England for work. After taking the plunge and deciding not to go back I started looking for jobs locally and was surprised to find that I was only able to get jobs that paid just over minimum wage (having previously earned 40Kpa). So I reverted to plan B which involved going to uni and training for a new career path. However, shortly after starting uni last year DH lost his job and I started temping for the university. So far so good. It was just the odd couple of weeks here and there and along with my student loan it really helped to tide us over. Then at the start of the summer I was offered a six week temp assignment to cover sickness. At the same time DH found a job that quite often requires him to stay away from home for 5-6 days at a time. Actually, things were really starting to look up for us. But then my daughter got quite ill and had to be off nursery for a week. DH was away and because we have no family living nearby I had no choice but to take the time off to take care of DD. Towards the end of the week I got really ill myself and had to take the following Monday off as well. Cue a call from the university telling me that they had no choice but to replace me because I was covering someone else who is sick. I completely understand why they had to do this. Then, another department requested me for 3 weeks work. A week into that job I got a call from the nursery asking me to come and collect DD as she had just been sick and was informed that I couldn't return her to the nursery for at least 48 hours(nursery rules). The department I was working for was understanding and allowed me to subsequently return to work, but the recruitment department that I actually work for had to be informed that I was absent. Now I am 3 weeks into yet another contract for the university. I was hired along with 50 other people and we were told that people who performed well would have their contracts extended and be given the opportunity to work for 10hrs per week in term time. I have worked really well and have had numerous recommendations in the short time that I've been with the department but when the extended contracts were handed out today I did not receive one. I asked for feedback from my boss and she said that I had not been asked to stay on because I had been 6 minutes late on one occasion (daughter emptied bowl of cereal on her head)and that I had not been able to demonstrate the same level of flexibility as other team members i.e. I had not been able to do overtime and work at weekends. Again this will be communnicated to the recruitment team at the university that actually employ me - contract is up for renewal at the end of October. Anyway, to cut a very long story short, I am really feeling like it is impossible to be a successful employee or have a successful career as well as being a Mum. I am scared that when I finish re-training that I will always be bottom of the pile because younger, childless candidates will been seen as the more suitable employee. As long as my husband continues in his current role I will be the only alternative to childcare for DD. So if she gets sick, I'll have to collect her and be with her again until she's well. I know that employers aren't allow to discriminate against women with children, but how often is that put into practice? I want you to know that I am not work shy and while my husband was unemployed I was hardworking and flexibility personified. But I really do feel that being a Mum means that I've become practically unemployable and that I'll never get a good job ever again. HELP!!!

you just have to look for a job that works for all or wait till dd is older.

Best bet would be to go self employed doing what you used to do.

I think you have to look beyond the perios of your dd being in nursery

they do get netter at fighting bugs and won't be off sick as much :)

I have sympathy for your situation to a certain extent but I do think your dh should shoulder 50% of the childcare burden and if you're not prepared to do that then you have to accept the consequences which are that you are looked upon as less reliable because, well you are.

So, you either stop prioritising your dh's work over your own or look for a childcare solution.

Have you thought about a nanny instead of nursery? Nanny share is about the same cost as nursery and would solve the problems with sickness and last minute dramas as you try to get out the door.

It is possible to work with kids but there are things which needed to be sorted before you can do it effectively.

1. Your childcare

It needs to cover all situations while still making it economically viable to work (that can be long-term viable e.g. not at the moment but in the future). Nursery is always a problem when kids are sick. Our options were one particular babysitter or a combination of dh going in early to get work to work at home and me going in later and working later. Everyone at work forgot what time I'd arrived and would then say "you're working late tonight" which looked good. I was also recommended an emergency nanny service on here but never used it.

1. The type of job

Any job where you're going to be valued on your availability alone is not going to work. Equally anything where you are a support service and expected at bad times will be problematic. You need a job where they value you for your skills and ability and not just for being there. Also one which allows for work from home will put less pressure on if your dd is sick.

This is easier said than done but you mentioned you were in uni. What is your degree in? There may be options from this you haven't yet agreed.

1. The importance of work to you

This is the crux of the matter. If you really want to work or really have to work you will find a way to do this. If not it is just not worth the sacrifice.

Good post tigger.

The bottom line is, yes, it's perfectly possible to work while you have young children, but you need to improve your arrangements.

If your job requires a certain amount of flexibility, then that's what you're going to have to deliver. I would look at alternative types of childcare, as IME nursery is the least flexible when your child is unwell - quite rightly they have to protect the other children from illness, whereas a nanny or CM will be more flexible.

Why couldn't your DH share the caring on the occasions when your dd was ill before? We used to take alternate days if needed.

Re: being late - sorry, but emptying cereal over their heads is exactly the sort of madcap thing toddlers do - you need to factor in enough time in your morning routine to allow for mishaps/tantrums. If you have more children it gets even harder - you just need to set the alarm earlier and have a strict routine.

TBH it doesn't sound as though anyone has discriminated against you because you're a woman. You haven't been able to deliver the service your employers require, therefore they need to look elsewhere.

I'm sure if you alter your arrangments as suggested, you'll be in with a chance of a good job as much as anyone else.

Thanks for all your replies. I was feeling very overwhelmed when I posted this on Friday but feel alot better now. I know that I need to review childcare issues. Husband can't really help out because when I say that he's working away, I mean that he's not physically at home at all. I wish we could survive on one wage but it's not really possible. DH says that we should change DD's nursery to the one at the bottom of our road which would at least sort the morning time issue out. But DD has been at the same nursery for almost 2 years now and I feel guilty about taking her away from all of her little friends.I think what I really need is some sort of babysitting solution. Someone who can be on call when needed. I'd love to have a live in au-pair but we only have a 2 bed flat. Does anyone know if they live out and if so how much would they cost?

You can get live out au pairs but you need to weigh up the hours you require versus the cost. Most live out au pairs are cheaper than nannies but not by a great deal. CMs are generally the cheapest option around and are often quite flexible although if your dd is really sick you will still have a problem.

This year I did a combination of CM and nursery owing to moving areas and nursery being too difficult to get too all the time from where we now lived and not wanting to disrupt ds too much by the move by changing all his childcare. It worked very well as if one was unavailable for whatever reason e.g. snow or holidays, the other could generally pick up the slack. In addition my CM would have taken ds with chicken pox which both her kids had had whereas nursery wouldn't. It was good having some inbuild flexibility in our system and much cheaper than a nanny. However, now he has started school nanny appears to be the only option for us.

If you post on the CM/Nanny boards you'll get a good response to this type of query.