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Original poster

Maternity leave isolating

20 replies

vanillacinnamon · 22/07/2010 11:47

Not really a "back to work" topic although work is very relevant. Anyone else find maternity leave very isolating? No need to type much just looking to see whether anyone else will "put their hands up". For me it is the no mans land feelings I have. This is my second maternity leave so I knew it would happen again and sure enough it has big time, loneliness and isolation. Its not for want of opportunity, there are lots and lots of fantastic groups and activities out there, it is just the knowing I am going back to work shortly (or infact very shortly in the grand scheme of things) to keep husband and boss happy which seems such a disincentive to join any of the groups or go along. I dont want to meet mums who dont work because I might envy them too much! and I feel worried about spending too much money when I know i should be saving it for childcare when I am back at work.
Infact I suspect I will get criticised for typing these things so ignore these details I have typed. But if you feel lonely or isolated being on maternity and you are due to return to work in the next year or so ??

OP posts:

dinkystinky · 22/07/2010 11:49

It can be more isolating the second time IME if you're going back to work shortly - but do force yourself to get out there and go to groups and meet and chat people and enjoy your time on mat leave while you can.

dontrunwithscissors · 22/07/2010 17:59

Me, me, me!!! Sorry, putting DD's to bed so can't type much, but I'm in the same situation.

DilysPrice · 22/07/2010 18:09

It's tough second time round, because it's sometimes difficult to relate to the first time mums, and you probably haven't bothered to go to ante-natal classes second time around (because you don't have time and you'd need a babysitter) and your old ante-natal class/post-natal tea mates are often back at work so not around in the day, and your own mum is older or not so keen to drop everything and come and visit.

Basically you don't have the automatic support networks that come with first time mums. If you're lucky you don't need them so much, but it can get lonely.

Pootles2010 · 22/07/2010 18:18

Am only three weeks into my leave with my first one (not born yet!), and am climbing the walls. I knew i would be like this, everyone said 'oh lucky you you'll have a great time' but i hate it so far. Can't wait for him to arrive so i at least have something to do.

Am just so lonely and bored.

hildathebuilder · 22/07/2010 18:26

me, even though its my first leave

SalFresco · 22/07/2010 22:08

I found it much less isolating second time round - am about to go back and am ok about it, (DS2 is 9.5 months) but could certainly be off for longer - was by contrast eager to go back by about 6 months with DS1!! I think this is because I know more mums, DS1 is at nursery part time, I have friends who are having their second children, all sorts of things - but I worked part time before going on leave second time, whereas I left full time work the first.

I completely understand and sympathise though.

Dylanpsmummy · 22/07/2010 22:25

Finding it very isolating. PG with my second and have moved to a new area so don't know any mums. I asked the midwife if I could go to the ante-natal classes and was told no as they found that the second time mums were scaring the first time mums. Feeling very emotional about it all. But that could be mainly due to pregnancy hormones.

Original poster

vanillacinnamon · 23/07/2010 09:58

Dylanpsmummy I could have written your post myself when i was pregnant with this my second baby. I love him to bits but I was so apprehensive when I was pregnant about how I owuld cope and how it would be, and we ad moved to a new area, working full time wiht an 18 month old, boss seriously pissed off that i was pregnant again, husband officially happy about number 2 although also showing signs of stress, no time for antenatal classes (what kind of luxury are they!!??)
I was also emotional, you are not alone... Hope you feel ok today

OP posts:

duplotogo · 23/07/2010 13:22

I found the NCT "2nd baby" tea groups very helpful, there's quite a nice group of us now who hang out together a lot. The other place that has been good is the local toddler group.

BlueSapphire · 23/07/2010 18:01

I am a first time mum and often feel quite lonely. I go back to work in 3 weeks when my little one will only be 8 1/2 months old and seem to be in a minority doing this. Although I've met lots of other mums (at different stages, with different numbers of children) I don't feel that I've made any true friends. I am sad about this as have noone I can ring to say "do u want to go to the park" etc and worried how this will affect my lo. It also means that I worry I will become even more lonely once I am abck at work as most of those people will carry on as they are now and meet up when I am not around. I have signed up for some groups for the days I won't be working to make sure I don't become too lonely and hope it will be ok.

BuzzingNoise · 23/07/2010 18:11

I hated maternity leave and couldn't wait to go back to work. I didn't feel like I had much in common with the other mums I met and I was extremely lonely.

Eliza70 · 23/07/2010 21:44

I didn't enjoy my first mat leave, combination of post-natal anxiety, a very easy baby and not being good at making friends. Also found that most mums and tots were for older children not babies. Am not someone who could be round at their mums all day. Wanted to go back to work.

Have enjoyed it much more this time around, more structure to my day with having to get DS1 up and out two days a week, good friend came home for six weeks when DS2 was about 3 months and was great at getting me up and out. Time really flying in this time round. Not looking forward to going back this time (but that's more cause my boss is an arse challenging to work with).

For what its worth, try some mums and tots groups until you find one you like, or do what I did and spend a lot time drinking coffee and reading the paper!

fairy11 · 29/07/2010 13:21

hi im due to go back to work from mat leave beginning of october but im preg again so i can only go back for 3months. does anyone know if i will qualify for mat leave again so soon??? p.s i will have an 11month gap between my two children is anyone else in that situation?? thanx x

porcupine11 · 29/07/2010 13:27

Is there opportunity to volunteer for NCT in your area? This is what I've done with DS2 instead of repeating all the yawnsome baby groups and activities I did with DS1.

It fits my mindset better, being somewhere between work and full immersion in mumland, and some roles can carry on once you are back at work, so it's not a wasted investment of time.

And IMO it's much easier to strike up conversation/friendships with other mums when you are engaged in a task as 'colleagues' than when you are sitting around in a church hall comparing babies!

turkeyboots · 29/07/2010 13:31

Me too. I was very lonely and rather bored towards the end. Second time round was worse as moved house so knew even less people and couldn't even get on to the waiting list of any baby or toddler groups.

Saving money for childcare is good, but balance it with having funds to get out and do stuff. I spend a fortune when on mat leave just keeping myself busy.

sgilbert50 · 29/07/2010 16:42

Hi, I feel much more relived after reading your messages. I've been on maternity leave for 9 weeks now and on some days have been wishing to go back to work. This itself makes me feel disappointed as I really want to enjoy the maternity leave. I live in a rural area and there are very few groups close to me, the nearest is about 12 miles away and it also seems to take about 2 hours just to get out the house! I've been to one of the groups but to be honest didn't enjoy it that much and I don't really want to sit about talking babies. Instead I have been going on lots of walks, but I feel that I should try and go back to the group to get some adult conversation. I like the sound of the volunteer idea.

Bonsoir · 29/07/2010 16:44

OP - it's quite hard to know what your real problem is. You seem to be complaining about symptoms rather than causes...

MistyB · 29/07/2010 20:12

On my second mat leave, I saw it as a real opportunity to spend time with my older child too. We did stuff together that we would not otherwise have had the opportunity to do. I did meet people / make friends etc but saw this as a somewhat secondary objective.

When my DD was 14 months old and my DS was 3.4 we moved and had a "year out" where no one was at school and I was not working. I went to a few activities and propositioned a few random strangers for play dates / coffees etc I didn't make many friends in the first year but I did enjoy the freedom that not being at work brings, visited places (not as easy with a tiny baby) and chilled out alot!

Apart from time with your children, there are not many chances in life to set your own timetable (around the kids obviously!!) and do what you want to do. Make the most of it for you!

bluejeans · 29/07/2010 20:18

What buzzingnoise said.

DD is 10 now so I only had 18 weeks maternity leave plus 3 weeks holiday. I was dying to go back!

I see friends now taking a year off and wonder if I'd had that amount of time I would've got involved with toddler groups etc and got used to not being at work, but I'm not sure to be honest.

lal123 · 29/07/2010 20:24

I've enjoyed my second maty leave much more than my first. This time I've taken a full year off and have loved spending time with DD1 as well as baby. Becasue DD1 is at school, this time I've made many more friends at the school gates and have lots more to do than first time round. I go back to work in October, hopefully part-time to allow me to continue being a Mum to her!

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