Stay at home DH whilst I work... a happy home?

[Chelly71]

would love some advice/assurance from anyone who works whilst DH stays at home... I'm worried. My DH has been unemployed for over a year and would really need to change career now in order to get back on the ladder. it has been lovely bringing up DS together these last 6 months (we tried for 7 years to have a baby so it feels so precious). Anyway, I'm doing some KIT days and I've been offered a promotion at work when i go back. DH is very happy for me, and more than capable of staying at home and looking after DS so i can go back and make this work... my worry is that I know how other mums talk about their DH's working late, not pulling their weight etc and I'm worried this will be me and DH will begrudge it and I will be jealous of his time with DS. Should we set some ground rules out so that we know what to expect of each other? I so want to be happy about it all as I know it is better than putting DS in a nursery, can anyone reassure me that it will be just great. thanks

Don't worry. Why shouldn't it work? Of course you'll find it hard being away from ds, (as you would if he was at nursery) and there'll be times you wish you could be around him more but you'll know he's spending time with his dad which is brilliant! If you struggle with feeling jealous of dh's time with ds you can make sure you spend some time on your own with ds while dh has time off with his mates. I suspect the mums you hear complaing about dh's not pulling their weight don't get much time off even at the weekends...?

We tried me working, dh as sahd on a trial basis 3yrs ago and have since had another dc I'm back at work and dh still at home with kids.It's hard at times, of course you'll both find various aspects of it hard, just as you would if things were the other way round, and it might take a bit of adjusting for both of you.
Ground rules might be useful I guess, but I think the best thing we've done is to talk honestly about expectations and how to practically fit things in and try to make sure we each have a bit of time off (not easy!) - it's been ongoing, and things have changed over time. You might need to talk about how you split the things that aren't directly child-related (i.e. chores, cooking, cleaning, laundry, food shopping etc). Obviously you will have less spare time between you so you will both feel you're doing more than before (because you will be!)
It can work really well, give it a go!! ;)
ps ignore the nickname.. came from ds2 still waking every night rather than from being wohm...

We have this set up and it works well. DH works part time in the evenings, and is doing an open uni degree. He does most of the childcare, and we split the housework as best we can.

The plus side is that he has a lovely relationship with our DCs, better than a lot of Dads we know. Also, the kids are cared for in our own home, which is nicer than when we both worked and they went to a childminder...even though she was lovely.

The downside...he sometimes feels self concious about me being the main breadwinner. An old fashioned view, I suppose, but it bothers him at times.

We treat all finances as joint...there's no 'my money/your money', which I think helps with this.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

I think it's about your relationship rather than other people's.

MY DH has just qualified as a teacher and I was breadwinner for 3 years. I wasn't really happy with it though, as while he was unemployed it just seemed that I was doing everything, and then while he was training I had to do everything (childcare in day, work at night all housework, bills etc). I'm SO happy that he's qualified you wouldn't believe it!

You've said that you would trust your DP to do a good job with your DC, so why should you not give it a go! Everyone is different and I'm sure that if you can parent together well then he can do it just as well without supervision!

Good luck!

Thanks both, lovely to hear your stories and appreciate you sharing! thankfully we are also very honest and communicate well together... and today it was lovely seeing what a fun packed day the boys had but also how excited DS was when I got home (although suspect he had just glimpsed the dog rather than me, but I'll pretend and take it!)

You are right 'runinonempty' the mums I know also put up with friday nights out and Saturday hangovers from DH... hopefully I won't be indulging in such things.

Think I'm also realising that reality has to hit at some point and our lovely trio at home can't last forever, sad times...

We've done this in the past and wouldn't rule it out in the future. As it is, DP currently works PT and does most of the childcare.

Things that are good:
There's nothing to beat knowing your DC are with their father - who better in the world and takes a huge strain off re childcare, both financial and more importantly emotional.
IME DP is much more patient and better at doing child-centred stuff than I am.
It's lovely to have someone at home when you get in - when both of you work it can be hard to manage day to day house stuff, appointments etc.
I can go out socially and have confidence that DP can deal with DS - I have friends who are SAHMs and who have been phoned up to come home and sort their kids out because their DH/DP isn't managing!
Time spent with DS tends to be quality time for me - bedtimes are fab, we read books and he tells me about his day.

Things that are hard:
It depends on your DH's personality but it can be hard for the man not to be the breadwinner/provider. You will need to be tactful and diplomatic with money.
Again to do with his personality but for my DP, despite being an amazing SAHD for over a year and it being something he really wanted to do, he found integrating with toddler groups etc much harder as a man and got quite disheartened, and is much happier now he has his own work to get to for a break.
You may well find that he does things (ie housework) to a different (ie lower!) standard than you do, or doesn't even realise some jobs need done at all. This can be great fodder for arguments, or even worse you can end up working and doing all the housework.
You worry about resenting your DH for the time he will have - this is a risk but if you were using another childcare setup would you feel the same? Be careful of this one. IME you are more likely to resent having to do all the work unless you really want to be doing the career thing.
Believe it or not over time you may find it really exhausting to come home from work and have to find a whole lot of fresh energy to deal with bedtime - it's really tough when you want to lie on the sofa with a glass of wine and read the paper but you have to bath and bed a child instead - and then you feel guilty for feeling that way!

These are just my rambling thoughts on this. It's hard, and if I could change it we'd both work PT (that's the eventual aim I guess) but it's so much better than the alternatives

We have this set up too. DH has looked after DD (3.5) and DS(1.6) and I have gone back to work.
I do miss them at times, but also love work and know the dcs are safe with DH. We didn't set any ground rules, the roles just carved themselves out as we went along, DH does all the washing, I cook and the rest of the housework we split. It doesn't cause any problems. He is great with the DCs and I feel very assured that while I am working they are with thier Dad.
DH does work part time and has a few 'nights off' a week to avoid going stir crazy! I think we both really appreciate what hard work it is to be at home with the kids all day so there isn't any resentment from my side.
I am expecting DC3 and we have decided to swap again after the baby is born as DH has a good job opportunity and I am happy to try being a SAHM for a bit and this is a good time for me to take a career break.
I think it works well for us and has made our relationship with each other and DCs stronger.

Thanks again everyone, this is all very reassuring. TDD, I agree that DH's may not SEE all housework that needs doing... we have blue and pink jobs in the house already so hopefully we can continue on that theme (interestingly a blue job is cooking and a pink job is putting the bins out!)

I think your family situation sounds great and the fact that you can see the pitfalls and are already discussing them will help.

I'm a SAHM now but was a Working Mum for a few years. My DH does alot to help and I can see that it's not like that in all relationships, in fact some of my friends comment on it. I think the fact that I worked before helped as DH had to share the household and children related chores. The fact that you have both been at home will help too.

I have a nanny take my youngest for three hours a week so that I can clean the house and have some time on my own with no noise. We also try to make sure that we both get the time on our own that we need though this is weighted in my favour. DH's exercise evenings are the first to go if he is away with work etc.

Also, I am a big fan of date night - making time for each other without distractions of housework, Mumsnet, work etc. We sit down to dinner together one night a week and try to go out even if it's just for a run at least every fortnight.

We also spend alot of time together as a family at weekends and try to fit the other stuff in around it. I used to do the cleaning / shopping and have time away from the children but it wasn't great. It feels more shared this way.