Can you help me make this email less rude but still get my point across?

[weloveyoumisshannigan]

Back story is DH and 7-8 friends were going on a stag to Vegas. It got changed to UK because it was too expensive and about 5 people went. DH didn't go because the timing was bad for him to not work (he is self employed).

DHs cousin sent out a group email saying that the Vegas trip was off due to 'money, exams and wives'

Money-fair enough, some people couldn't afford it.
Exams-yes, one guy doing finals so didn't go.
Wives-

The wives are me (no objections), SIL (too excited about her own holiday with her friends to object to what her DH was doing) and a g/f of another friend who is in loads of debt and knew that there was no way her b/f could afford to go and didn't say a word about it knowing that he would reach the same conclusion as soon as he was asked for money for his ticket.

I was pissed off about it because I felt I was being blamed for the trip not going ahead when it had absolutely nothing to do with me. I hate the attitude of men having to ask permission to go out etc and I think men are perfectly capable of making decissions to suit their families without having their arms twisted by their controlling wives.

The cousin has sent me a message apologising and he is obviously sorry but he just says that he didn't mean anyone personaly, just that partners were one of the reasons (which imo they weren't)

This is my response

Dear A,

Thankyou for your apology. As neither B,C or I had objected to people going on holiday then I think its kindest to assume that what you really meant when you said 'Vegas trip is off because of the wives' was 'Some men have other priorities and don't want to put all their resources into and expensive stag holiday at the expense of doing something with their families'. I wouldn't like to speculate on who these people are as D seems to be managing to do both (if it wasn't for the ash cloud) and E couldn't go away as he [DHs dull business reasons]

If you really meant that the wives were conspiring to scupper your holiday then we will have to agree to disagree one what is an acceptable level is mysogeny

I think its to rude but I am struggling to know what to say without being rude. Everyone thinks I am overreacting. I have to send some sort of response but I don't want to just say, 'oh, its fine, really'

"D seems to be managing to do both (if it wasn't for the ash cloud)" is BIL who is supposed to be on his family holiday right now but can't go due to ash.

You are overreacting. It was a fillipant, throw-away comment.

Don't rise to it. There are more important battles. And you are perputuating the image of the uptight wife.

I'd find that irritating too. I wouldn't bother with the email unless I thought there was a chance that he'd take it seriously. I don't know him so only you can make that judgement.

I would most likely file him away in the folder marked "casually sexist pricks not worth bothering with", tbh.

I think you need a witty one-line retort. something about men not being capable of making their own decisions. but wittier. I can't do witty I'm afraid but maybe someone else here can...

I know I am overreacting, but I have already risen to it and now need an exit plan as the ball is in my court.

I am not impressed with his 'I didn't mean you, I meant all the wives' apology strategy.

I think I need to write a line or 2 acknowledging that he has tried to apologise.

Does he maybe mean his wife/gf wouldn't let him go??

If he already apologised, what do you hope to achieve by sending the e-mail?

How about

Dear X,

Thanks for your apology. I hadn't realised that wives was a genuine reason why Vegas was cancelled. I didn't know that there were other people going who couldn't go because of wives and I thought you were meaning SIL and me. As neither of us had any objections then I thought it was a bit sexist and a dig at DH and BIL (saying they can't think for themselves or whatever) and I overreacted.

He doesn't have a g/f.

I need to say something because atm, he has apologised (sort of) and I have maintained a stoney silence.

He was probably expecting a 'thats ok, see you soon' type email a week ago.

Just say "idiot" (or whichever word would fit!) add a wink and leave it at that.

I think your 12:11:15 email is great

...though, to be fair, I am awful at being polite to people so maybe not the best person to judge...

No, I agree. You're still making the point that it was sexist whilst taking the high road. Send that one.

how about

"thanks for your email. I know it was a flippant remark and you didn't mean to offend but it is annoying when "wives" are lumped together and blamed for unpopular decisions. Far too many men - mainly the ones who lack the balls to admit to their own part in such decisions - do it. Hopefully you won't be one of them" with a smiley and/or a nice friendly finish

Look at this like this, he was proabbaly really disappointed that he's not going to Vegas. He's lashed out and made a comment about wives being to blame. But he has had the grace to see that he's upset you and has apologised now.

I would leave it really.

Depends whether you want ot get on with him in future or not, I guess. Is it worth falling out with someone over such a small thing?

Ah twat. Is it that big of a deal if you don't reply? It'll all be forgotten by the next time you see him after all? I like not replying as you can't say it wrong lol

I'd forget about it. Maybe one of the men did say their wife wasn't keen on him going. A lot of men would be happier to say that then they couldn't afford it/didn't really want to go etc.

sorry - I don't like the 12:11:15 one. it still says that for one of the guys it's ok to lay the responsibility for the decision on his wife (or gf). even if he admits it wasn;t you or sil he's still "blaming" one of the "wives" and I don't think you should say that that's ok. (which you do by saying it was a genuine reason)

I am leaning towards saying nothing. It feels a bit like someone saying sorry to your face and you just looking blankly at them but he probably won't notice.

Only 2 men have wives and 1 has a g/f. My DH was the only one with a wife/gf who couldn't go. He is adament he didn't blame me and was pissed off about the email (hence showing it to me and getting me worked up).

hatwoman That is me attempting to passive aggressively say 'I thought you were being a sexist prick but as you are still saying its the wives fault then I will extract us from this postion by pretending that there are other wifely reasons that I was unaware of so I am not personally offended, even though we both know it was about me and there are no other wives to blame'

I don't think I am pulling it off

Hi A

I do appreciate your apology for blaming "wives" for the cancellation of the Vegas trip. What got to me is that DH is the only one of the men who cancelled who actually has a wife/girlfriend, and it looked as if you were making a dig at me specifically. As you know DH is a grown-up who made the decision to cancel based on his own work situation.

It really gets my goat when some people make out that men need "permission" from the wives/gfs to have fun. It's certainly not the case in this house, and since I don't know any other couples who behave like this either, it sounds like just another boring way to slag off women, for being "nags". Since you've apologised for this, it sounds like you're not jumping on a tedious old misogynist bandwagon, thank god!

Cheers,

X

Or alternatively, how about "apologies for the delayed response, I can only blame children, flu, and a natural reluctance to continue talking to an old-fashioned chauvinist misogynist arsehat (NOT YOU DAVE!)"

I think that's a good email, you don't want to let him compltely off the hook afterall!

D'you know what, I think my second suggestion might actually work, if he's the "I hate you LOL ONLY JOKING " type.

Excellent points Dittany.

lol @ "arsehat"