A maddening but discussion-worthy piece in the Daily Mail

[SolidGoldBrass]

Yes, this is an article in the Mail and to an extent I can see the logic in prioritising your DC when they are little but FFS isn;t it time women were reminded to prioritise themSELVES as well? However much you love your DC, it's absolutely vital to have childfree, chorefree time and partner-free time to remember that you are YOU not just someone's wife and someone's mother and everyone's domestic appliance.

It reads like she's just trying to be controversial.

I don't love my children more than I love my husband, or think that his needs and mine don't matter. I think all four of us are a family and our needs can't be ranked in such a simplistic way because they are overlapping and interdependent.

It sounds like her first marriage ended because she was married to a dickhead.

I disagree with her entirely about almost everything she writes in the article but when she describes life with small children it sounds a lot like mine.

I think you can give lots of attention to your children and organise your (family) life around their needs and still cherish your partner and be cherished in return.

It's not about being the perfect anything, it's about several imperfect humans living together and mostly being happy and enjoying each other.

Sgb - I am still myself even when, as now (with a 2yo and 9wo) I have very little time to myself and need to use a lot of it for resting. I don't identify at all with the idea that I need to reassert a separate identity that is not just Mother or Wife. They are just descriptions of how I relate to other people, like Sister or Friend. They don't define me.

SGB - it's very rare that I agree with you (espeially on this type of subject) but I do here.

I find it slightly strange that pre-children women (mostly) seem to be ok at managing a "work hard, play hard" life. Where they split themselves.

But yet once they have children it seems to be like "there's only room for one side of my personality to show through" comes out.

Which I think is non-sense, just like you'll always have as much love for your 2nd,3rd,4th,etc child as you had for your first you can (once past that initial intensive stage) "split" yourself/your time to accommodate everyone.

She seems to think that spending time on your marriage equals mothering your husband. She obviously had a very childish first husband who wanted looking after and was jealous of the baby, so I can see why she would look at it this way, but she is ignoring all the other facets of a marriage.

Hi,

Its lollyhop2girls, changed my name.
I agree it sounds like her first husband was a knob. But why is she likening the attention your husband needs to the attention your children or yourself need?? weird.

I love my dp as much as i love my girls. I probably spend more time doing things for them though, actually I definitely do because he doesnt need any 'care' (unless he's ill of course, we both care for each other if we're poorly, it's fairly sickening!)

There are so many points I disagree with her on I dont really know where to start... By putting your kids first above yourself and you husband you are setting them up for a big disappointment when they enter the real world and no one else will!

Also, Im not suggesting that anyone should do as her grandmother did and put kids to bed, put make up on and make husbands dinner but why should anyone, husband or wife, be expected to not have any attention of an evening because its all been used up on the children.

And what was the thing about her friends husband having to sit next to his wife because he owned her?? Horrendous in its own right but nothing to do with her arguement.. I think she threw it in there to appeal to people with feminist views so they didnt right her off as the sappy wally that she is!

Did this really get in to The Mail? Looks more like the sort of thing you'd read in some crappy women's weekly. oooh ps someone needs to start a thread on here about those magazines, there's enough material for any feminist to have a field day!!

P.s last paragraph is not to say that I dont think the Daily Mail is crap. I do, its crapptastic.

PMSL @ sappy wally

Those aren't quite the words I'd choose

Hmmm...I'm not sure what I think about this.

I feel more sad that her marriages and, subsequently families, weren't more of a 'team' situation. That's how DH and I see our family. It's only now that DD4 is of an age to be left, that we've started going out regularly sans children. I don't see how putting your children first means you can't work together as a team and enjoy eachother as husband and wife; or that you can't have other interests yourself.

I think, for us, it's about how much those things impact on the children and if it's too much, then it just has to wait until they're older.

E.G. DH has given up doing triathlon for a few years, because his long hours at work means he gets stressed out trying to fit in training time. He doesn't want to miss out on the children's early years, so is happy to wait until they're older. That doesn't mean he has stopped runnign or cycling, jsut that he's stopped competing so he doesn't have to stress about training so much.

E.G. DH and I never went out without the children until they were ready and happy to be left with my parents, but as soon as they were, we were out the door and now go out regularly.

Both (amongst many other things) joint decisions - we're a team. I'd be horrified if my husband were feelign resentful about a way I was behaving and I'd expect to be able to have an adult, open-minded discussion about it - not him moaning, and me becoming even more stubborn.

I think her marriages broke down because she put her children into a place where they were the only thing in her life, which is different from the most important thing in her life.

AHHH that was my first 'PMSL' Ive had for one of my posts... Thanks skidoodly