On the certainty of the trans identifying teen - guidance for parents

[BettyBooper]

I've just read this article by ReadsomePiagetPlease! and thought it might be helpful to share for parents with trans identifying children.

https://x.com/prof_curiosity1/status/2046106359247077884

Some excerpts:

'One of the most challenging aspects for parents, teachers, and clinicians, to understand and to manage, is the absolute certainty with which many trans identifying teenagers present. It is not the tentative, exploratory uncertainty that characterises most adolescent identity questions. It is categorical, resistant to examination, and often experienced by the young person as an existential matter. To question it feels to them like a denial of their existence. To suggest alternative explanations feels like an attack. The adults around them, trying to engage carefully and honestly, frequently find that careful and honest engagement is precisely what the young person cannot tolerate.'...

...'The identity is managing an internal state that was, before its adoption, genuinely overwhelming. To threaten the identity is to threaten the regulatory system. The young person does not experience a parent raising questions about their gender identity as an intellectual challenge to be engaged with. They experience it as an attempt to return them to the unbearable state the identity rescued them from. The ferocity of the response is proportionate not to the strength of the argument being made against them but to the psychological function the identity is performing.'

I'm so sorry to read this. There are a lot of parents struggling to support their older children through this, recognising that their influence is minimised because of their child's age while knowing that the path they're on is not sustainable in terms of leading a physically and emotionally healthy adult life.

It's great that she's now told you and that in itself makes you a safe space for her. There's lots of advice about how to listen, support and offer careful information / resources for her, but as you say, if she's immersed in this via her polycule / friendship group she has no other points of reference. And alienation from parents / families runsd through transactivism like a stick of rock

Many families find help from other parents with specific experience of supporting their their children - see link to Bayswater below. Managing that balance of letting her know she's loved and supported while trying to ensure that she's aware of the hazards is so tricky.

My general approach to parenting young adult children is to listen as much as possible, to ensure that she knows you're always on her side even if you don't always agree with her and to decide on what (if any) reservations you want to share with her. It might be future fertility? It might be getting support for her mental health? It might be concerns about her physical health? Or you might decide not to raise any worries with her. Only you can know what is likely to work.
Wishing you well - there's a lot of support on here from parents in the same situation.

www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

They aren't, though - the context of this is describing the trans-affirmative viewpoint (hence biological sex being mutable). It's the requirement for children to believe that the boy they see is really a girl because of feelings rather than a boy because of reality.

Thank you so much @MrsOvertonsWindowI will have a look at Bayswater. I just feel physically sick and so sad at the thought I’ve hurt her but also that she can’t accept herself.

You know you haven't deliberately hurt her. Sadly she's framing your understandable concern as you being uncaring, phobic and all the rest of the narrative that she's learnt (We just want to exist etc).
I've not had to face this with my children - but have had a lifetime of working with children and teenagers. I suspect she daren't acknowledge any vulnerability as it's all so fragile - as is she. There are thankfully now numerous organisations offering informed support to parents - you're no longer alone and don't have to be frightened by anyone who tells you that unquestioning affirmation is the only solution.

What I would suggest is where possible focusing on anything but identity. Looking for opportunities to share time / a coffee / a trip out. Maybe involving family members if appropriate that remind her of her role in the world / family and getting her to talk about her work and anything she's doing that's not self absorbed. That "watchful waiting". She's a young adult but very vulnerable and gently holding her close where she allows it so that she knows when things go wrong, you're always there.

https://sex-matters.org/support-for-parents/

@Z0rr0 I don’t have any advice I’m afraid, we’re just trying to navigate our way through the situation. I think this article just helped me understand why it wasn’t possible to have a rational conversation about the issue.
We are now in contact with our young adult child, and we just have to pretend that nothing is happening. It’s very awkward.

Thank you @MrsOvertonsWindowI appreciate your advice and kindness. Thanks @Bluebootsgreenbootsand sorry for what you’re going through. I really hope we can both get our kids through this unscathed.

The difficulty for your child now is that to step away from being trans is to lose everything, identity, friendship groups, a structure and narrative to navigate life. Stay close and be honest but as non judgemental as possible.

It’s a shame that even gender clinics don’t fully appraise their clients of the side effects. But it is worth asking if she wants to freeze her eggs, just in case, and using that opening to being matter of fact about how testosterone will result in premature menopause and vaginal atrophy. The fact that she said ‘low dose’ hopefully suggests she is not wholly sold on cross sex hormone impacts.

Also, will she do anything just with you? Any chance of going away on a trip together? A long trip to somewhere interesting. Is she interested in sports or the outdoors? Would she go away to volunteer in Africa? It might help for her to be connected to nature or anything to get herself out of her own head, away from the reinforcing friendship circle, and connect back to the material reality.

Sending hugs Really so incredibly dreadful this gender ideology with the damage being done to vulnerable children.

Thanks @DrBlackbirdyou’re right about how hard it would be for her to step back from. Maybe as they all enter the world of work things may shift. 🤷‍♀️ Thanks for your suggestions. I’ll have a ponder.