Seeking resources to help someone get out of a domestic abuse situation.

[Fruityful]

I am seeking practical methods and guides I can give to someone who is being domestically abused. I could help her myself if she were willing to confront the situation but she wont. She's afraid to 'make a fuss' that sort of thing. I'm sure people know what I mean but it doesn't make it any easier to help from the outside. It's almost impossible to help someone who goes along with the abuse. And honestly, it hurts to watch and me being there to listen feels like I'm just providing one more distraction from dealing with it. I'm seeking anything I can give or send her that might help her confront her situation and take action, to accept that she's being abused. Some step by step program or anything. She has been effectively isolated and has no support. She would have support if she asked for it, but she wont. I've done everything I can practically do and have run out of ideas or things to say.

https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/friends-and-family/

have a look here OP
your friend knows best what is possible for her right now, she probably has to put all her effort into getting by day by day, and from the outside this can look like accepting abuse
remember that leaving an abusive relationship can be very dangerous, and she probably knows this, which is why the prospect of leaving, or even thinking about leaving is very scary
don't give her literature that and abuser can find and consider that her email and phone may not be secure

wishing you both all the best

It's very possible she's not being honest with you about why she feels unable to leave. Does she have access to genuine support? I've known a couple of women in domestic abuse situations who found it hard to get. They did eventually find help but it took time and persistence and that's extra difficult for someone who's already worn down.

Does she have children? She may fear family court and what kind of, and how much, contact time he might get with the DC. There is support for her with this but does she believe that? She's probably terrified about what ifs.

What's her housing situation? The housing (and refuge space) shortage, especially now many landlords are selling, could be her fear. She'll be priority need with the council but maybe she fears being in temporary accommodation. It can in some instances be pretty awful. Usually the worst types aren't as common when it's domestic abuse, but she might be fearing the worst.

Does she have money to leave and manage after leaving? Contrary to the current portrayal by some of the media and belief of some people, benefits aren't loads of money. She may be fearful about that especially if she can't work or has to flee from her current location and give up her job.

I don't want my post to discourage you in any way from helping her. I very much hope she's able to get away. I'm posting purely so you're aware of what she might be fearful of, so you have an idea of what she might need help with.

this is good too
https://chayn.gitbook.io/the-good-friend-guide

Not sure if this will help if she is reluctant to see herself as a victim of abuse.

But on her own, and without anyone passing comment she could maybe read some of the comments of the Survivors Forum, and see if she recognises some of the issues other women are discussing.

https://survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk/

And if she decided to join she will be annonymous.

Thank you, everyone.

Tell me you've never been a victim of DV without telling me....

So what helpful suggestions do you have? The OP can't exactly scoop up her friend and whisk her away to safety. The friend still has agency, and presumably needs help to find her own way out of the abuse. That's what the OP us asking.

Is this being sympathetic to the situation that many women face, or not being able to recognise or accept their partner / husband is abusing you?

Or what? Cant make sense of it.

As long as you think she would be able to do so safely without her partner finding out, you could suggest posting anonymously on the relationships forum here (it has helped a lot of women realise that, actually, they ARE being abused, I believe), and/or getting a copy of the Lundy Bancroft book, "Why does he do that?", which again many women have found helpful - I think it's also available to read online. Or contacting Women's Aid.

I've been a victim of domestic abuse and it sounds like whilst op is absolutely well-intentioned, she has no clue about the complexity of a relationship where abuse is involved.

There are myriad reasons why her friend doesn't just 'leave'. She may not want to admit she is being abused. She may not want to admit even to herself she is being abused. She may think op is being an interfering old bat (whilst questioning if there is any sliver of truth that op thinks she is being abused).

Once a person recognises that there is abuse, there may be many many reasons why she can't leave. Or maybe doesn't want to - risk to kids, breaking the family, cultural reasons, finances, risk that if she does say she's leaving that the abuse will escalate. Maybe all of these.

It's so easy to say to someone 'youre bring abused you should leave'. Really easy.

But getting out of that relationship - with kids, finding new accommodation, new job, finances, risk of further and intensified abuse - is overwhelming. And takes years to get into a new normal, especially if DC involved, divorce process is costly and protracted, finances complicated especially if selling a property

It took me years to leave my relationship because of all the above, and more. The abuse continues via the DC (he took me to court 3 times regarding the DC and finances, I came out on top despite his insane requests and allegations), I had to get a judge to order the sale of the house 5 years after I left, and he's made malicious allegations about me at work since.

All the while my parents were utterly ashamed I'd broken up the family - despite documented abuse and police reports

It's nowhere near as easy as 'she should just leave'

Thanks for taking the time to reply. And so sorry for the situation you had to escape from.

I think, being generous, that OP knows that on one level she wasn't helping her friend, but just wanted to know if any one knew of resources that could help her if she chose to use them.

So sorry your family didn't support you.

Not sure how long ago this for you but I think there is more awareness of financial control as part of a pattern of domestic abuse.

https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/

Well amongst women and support groups, but not sure the authorities orthose who administer the "justice! system are aware.