Pre-teen very recently saying non-binary from online info

[OneMoreLime]

My autistic pre-teen daughter told me she feels a non-binary gender identity (demi-boy). I'd appreciate some advice about how to respond. As an autistic woman, I get the feelings behind this, but I'm worried about where this might lead to.

She heard about this online - she heard about gender identities in what we thought was a purely educational website (now blocked) She doesn't have any social media access. She describes feeling this way for years - this genuinely doesn't fit with the choices she made up until a few weeks ago.

Any advice on how to respond? I've ordered the Sex and Gender book for her. Any other resources that might appeal to a pre-teen? She said I was "wrong" as I didn't fully agree with the online info, I'd like to find some reliable info sources pitched at her age.

She has been very anxious recently, spending more time alone, not wanting to leave the house, dropping her hobbies, seeing her friends less. I'm obviously trying to get her out more, encouraging hobbies and friendships, but it's a slow process. I don't think any of her friends feel this way.

She wants to cut her hair very short, boy-length. I'm wary of a drastic haircut even without the demi-boy associations. She has previously always wanted long hair, loved brushing and styling her hair, and struggled to adjust to a heavy trim.
I said she can have a shorter cut next time e.g. chin length, then we can consider even shorter at her haircut after that - does that sound like a good approach?
A very short cut probably won't suit her face shape, and she can feel very self-conscious about her appearance.

She previously really asked to get her ears pierced, we had said she was too young. I'm now wondering if we should say yes to this?! It may be something interesting and exciting which diverts her focus.

How to respond?

smile and say that if she still feels like this when she’s 14, you’ll absolutely discuss with with her. Until then, it’s a subject that you’re not interested in chatting about. Now, what do you fancy for dinner?

And Op - seriously start overseeing and restricting her internet usage.

Obviously

Agree. You should also ban her access to all books that you haven't personally vetted.
If you don't take steps to cut off access to knowledge that might differ from your own, she might start thinking for herself.

I hope she doesn't have a smart phone. Restrict access to what she can access online. What school year is she in?

be careful with accidentally reiterating gender stereotypes such as She wants to cut her hair very short, boy-length. There is nothing inherently 'boy like' in a short hair cut. It's probably a phase, many girls go through it.

I'd have lots of chat with her about gender stereotypes and how they are very silly and narrow minded. Tell he she is of course a girl as that is her sex but she has the freedom to dress as she wishes do hobbies that are seen as traditionally more boy heavy and give a lots of hobbies, the more occupied the better.

Is she allowed to not wear skirts at school? Ours has plain white shirt black trousers option for girls in addition to the more traditional skirt blouses combo.

Is she into sports, music, any special interests? Distraction works wonders. Say Demi boy and stuff is make belief fairy tale and you don't her to go there.

Might be helpful trying to talk to her about gender stereotypes and help her to make the connection? About how loads of people feel restricted by stereotypes but that doesn't make them the opposite sex. If you have personal stories to share on this then all the better, I should think.

There is nothing inherently 'boy like' in a short hair cut. It's probably a phase, many girls go through it.

Of course not, but it doesn't sound like it's a coincidence that this comes straight after finding this website. She doesn't want to cut her hair because she just likes the style or whatever, she wants to do it because she's been hoodwinked by online lunatics into thinking this will make her "more of a boy".

I would agree with her, that no one really fits the silly stereotypes. That you’ve never felt like a particularly girly person. That you are individuals who can wear and do whatever is right for the occasion. I’d do a combination of sympathising, agreeing, and slipping in what a sophisticated system our body is and it’s well worth looking after it!

The issue here isn’t your DD or how people feel, it’s silly stereotypes.

Her internet access is very restricted compared to her friends. No smartphone, no social media. We have blocked the website in question (Scratch, a children's programming website). We have had a wake-up call. The idea has come on quickly, I hope that with the website blocked it will fade.

@lalagee - I'd talked about gender stereotypes before, and did so again. She says she internally feels like a "demi boy" rather than a girl, it's how she feels inside, not just about clothes/ haircuts etc.
The conversation completely took me by surprise, she started out asking about a friend's older sibling, then switched to herself. I wasn't prepared and got a bit muddled with sex vs gender and stereotypes. I agree I need to be clear and careful about what I say.

I said these feelings are very common in people your age, particularly autistic people, for a variety of reasons. And people often feel one way at your age, and a different way in five years, and different again as an adult. However she is very fixed on non-binary being "Real", by which she seems to mean a genuine factual thing.

I completely agree, she needs distractions. It is easier said than done at the moment, but I agree this is a priority.

If you don't take steps to cut off access to knowledge that might differ from your own, she might start thinking for herself I'm not sure if this sarcastic or straight talking - I do want her to think for herself, but she was just repeating as fact things she had read online, without any critical thinking or thought herself!

I went from long hair to cutting it Annie Lennox style - myself with no clippers, took me ages - in the 80's. Obviously on its own it wouldn't seem like an issue. If she's pre teen she might be gearing up for which camp she feels she's in. And if that isn't the long blonde hair, false eyelash camp she's searching for an alternative.
Dropping her hobbies would fit in too but did she do them all at once or gradually?
I have 3 nieces and a 20 something daughter and all of them dropped things they did before, while heading into their teens. They all got a lot more static, my daughter only moving about again when she started GCSE PE.
I know they're examples of times past but I'm just trying to say that some of your daughter's behaviour is completely normal. Though I can see why the non binary angle is making you worried.

No but if you read again, I said that OP needs to be mindful what gendered language she uses inadvertently around daughter to not reinforce her dd's idea that hair length, fashion etc can be inherently a boy or girl thing. This will help her daughter chose for herself rather than trying to fit gender expectations.

Is puberty an issue for her? I know that I really struggled when puberty hit and if opting out of being a girl/woman had seemed like an option I’d have gone with it for sure!!! So maybe she is struggling feeling like she doesn’t fit in with her peers, and sees this as an explanation of sorts and is clinging to it in the hope that it’s true and she can opt out of becoming a teenage girl. Can’t say I blame her tbh. So I think gently letting her do things she says she wants to, like hair getting shorter (agree if she likes the mid length you can return for short sooner than normal) and clothing but reminding her that gendering clothing or hair styles is the issue and that women and men come in all shapes and sizes but what differentiates them is whether or not they were born with a penis or a vagina and this is set.

Does she have a brother?

The dropping of hobbies has mostly been due to increased anxiety leaving the house, and by being mentally exhausted after school.

She had asked about cutting her hair very short before mentioning non-binary. I'd given the same answer, try an intermediate length first, see what you think after that.

Completely agree about puberty being difficult, I remember fearing puberty.

OP, it's worth asking your daughter's school if they use Scratch. My children's primary school did - and probably still does (my children are now in secondary school).

Sex and gender from Transgender Trend's website is a great book.

It sounds like you're taking lots of sensible steps when considering how best to support her and that you're very aware that "becoming" non-binary is a social transition.

Is she in year 5 or year 6? If she's in year 5, as well as asking about Scratch it might be worth talking to the school leadership about your concerns because the draft statutory safeguarding (KCSIE) guidance for September 2026 makes it clearer that schools can't support social transition without parents being part of that request. Unfortunately, it does leave a loophole for activist teachers to quietly groom support a child from an affirmation perspective, without you knowing about this, but it's still a good conversation to open up with the Head. The existing KCSIE guidance already enables that - see paragraphs 204-208, which refer to autism as a risk factor - but the proposed 2026 makes it even clearer that no child can actually be treated as the opposite sex. Although your daughter is saying that she's non-binary, it sounds like she might be at risk of believing herself to be a boy and that the non-binary bit is part of a journey towards "becoming" one.

Having the current primary school recognise this risk now would be helpful IMO. Particularly as puberty and autism are often an explosive mix. My autistic daughter had a huge mental health crisis around the time her periods started, strongly linked to her feeling that she might not actually be a girl. If you're able to get ahead of this, hopefully it will help with any future conversations you may need to have with the secondary school.

She said she internally feels like a "demi boy" rather than a girl. That it's not just about her clothes, hairstyle, hobbies etc. She said she knows girls can have different haircuts and clothes. But that she internally feels like she isn't a girl.

I absolutely think these are very typical feelings for an autistic girl starting secondary and entering puberty, feeling uncomfortable with your changing body and confused by some of their peers. I suppose I want to uncouple these feelings from a fixed idea about Non Binary being "Real"/ a fact.

What about trying out a short wig to see how she feels about the style before committing?

Thank you, this is very helpful advice.
I'm sorry your daughter had difficulties.
Did you find school helpful?

I disagree.

If her daughter is bringing this up now, now is the time to discuss it. The key to that discussion being that it needs to be age-appropriate. Unfortunately there are soooooooooo many places that children can find information that pushes the idea that everyone has a gender identity and that it's possible for this to differ from one's sex.

Trying to eliminate all sources would be like playing whack-a-mole, while knowing that no matter how many times you bang the mallet, the number of holes in the board and the number of moles coming through them are growing exponentially.

IMO and IME, the only way to approach this is to have short, non-confrontational conversations now while also learning as much as possible about where the existing moles and holes are.

What I've learned on my own journey so far is that I sometimes go too far with what I'm saying to my daughter. I've never told her what to think as I want her to develop her own critical thinking skills. But sometimes I've continued a conversation for too long, particularly when I felt she was "getting it" on the difference between sex and gender. It's easy to say it, but less really is more. These days, I'm better at not bringing the subject up, but instead waiting for her to instigate it, and I'm also doing better at "quitting while I'm ahead" by not saying everything that I'm thinking at that moment.

For context, my daughter asked for puberty blockers at 13 because she wasn't sure if she was a girl and wanted time to think. She's now nearly 17 and still isn't a fan of being a girl... but she does recognise that biological sex is a reality and that things like puberty blockers and cross-sex hormones are dangerous. She just wishes they weren't, and seems rather drawn towards females who identify as men as role models 😞 e.g. she was really impressed at the Swedish female skier (who identified as a transman) and has managed to get a really low voice, presumably through voice training.

As a mum, my job here has been to keep my daughter grounded in reality and to find points of common ground that are age appropriate: in this case we both agree that it's great that this skier has been competing in the female category.

Delaying this conversation by only using distraction really won't help IMO.
Distraction (e.g. focusing on activities and other "interests") is just as important but isn't a substitute.

Thank you.

Initially, yes. But unfortunately they now appear to view my lack of belief in gender identity as raging bigotry 😞 In their most recent communication they said that it "appears" that I may be "motivated" by "promoting gender critical beliefs". All very carefully constructed language to avoid being defamatory but that make their position abundantly clear.

I've consistently said that I fully accept that some people believe that everyone has a gender identity and have only ever referenced my (legally protected) lack of belief in gender identity i.e. I have never "promoted" the idea that everyone needs to believe in something. The bit that seemed to tip them over the edge was when I asked them to follow paragraphs 204-208 of the 2025 statutory safeguarding guidance. At the time, these were paragraphs 205-209 of the 2024 guidance. They said they wouldn't (even though it's a legal requirement that they do) and the relationship with the school leadership went downhill from there.

However, during the course of my conversations I have found members of staff (and people in supporting organisations which are linked to the school through my daughter's EHCP provision) who are in key positions and who are supportive. They are obviously constrained by the school leadership but their support has been key. In particular, their willingness to remember what they already know about autism-related puberty distress - and think about how this might impact my daughter - has been the main way I've been able to navigate this.

The impact is twofold, in simple terms:

1. body disassociation e.g. feeling distress about breast development and periods
2. cognitive processing of what it means to "be" female, particularly when there are so many influences suggesting that this is some kind of fluid concept rather than a biological reality

The sleight of hand on point 2 is the whack-a-mole bit, related to sex-based stereotypes as per other comments on this thread and many, many other threads.

On point 1, the distress is very real IME. This is an old article I wrote a few years ago but may be of help when considering how to support a distressed child in this scenario:

https://www.transgendertrend.com/teenage-gender-identity-crisis/

(As you can see, I wrote it at a time when I felt a lot more optimistic about how things would end up going with the school!)

However, I'm still glad I had the conversations because finding those key people who want to recognise the impact that being autistic can have here has been really valuable. Without them I think my daughter could easily have been swept along in this and the school (leadership) would have been successful in sweeping me to one side as a "risk" to my daughter. Their cards are fully on the table now and the upshot is that, as a school, they are very TRA-aligned, most likely through a combination of ignorance and activism.

It's not an easy journey but I'm glad I stepped forward into it. I approached the leadership in good faith and would do the same again, if I had to play it all back.

This

Sweet Jesus

Interesting comment.

It's either completely sarcastic or it's a very unfortunate attempt to articulate a "gender critical" position.

Aside from examples of extreme intervention at the point of imminent harm (e.g. Erin Friday, to "deprogramme" her daughter because of the imminent risk of permanent physical harm due to "gender affirming care") I've never come across a situation where a parent would want to a) vet every book their child reads or b) remove access to anything that would impact their critical thinking skills.

See also my whack-a-mole comments. It's impossible to remove all influence - it's everywhere. And it's bordering on child abuse to raise a child to become an adult who isn't capable of forming their own opinion.

Children are meant to disagree with their parents' opinions, particularly during adolescence. It's a key development step towards maturity. What's not meant to happen is that adults in trusted positions (e.g. healthcare and education) affirm the completely unfalsifiable belief that we all have a gender identity as if it's factually true. Schools use Scratch. Therefore Scratch shouldn't be pushing this belief.

Edited for typo.

To add: autistic children are particularly at risk of muddling facts (about biology) and belief (about an inner gendered soul) due to cognitive processing differences from neurotypical children.

"I like clothes from the boys' aisle, short hair and playing football" can either be:

• some girls don't follow societal stereotypes and expectations, because they aren't interested in these

Or

• some people don't follow societal stereotypes and expectations, which means they might have a gender identity that doesn't align with their sex assigned at birth

The first sentence sets the scene for a child to confidently be themselves, without worrying about how girls and boys are "expected" to behave in society.

The second sentence sets the scene for a child to believe in the concept of gendered souls.

All children are vulnerable to coerced belief but an autistic child is at greater risk than others at thinking that their lack of "conformity" to societal stereotypes might mean they are trapped in the wrong body.

Whats scratch

My DD uses Scratch! What is on it about this? I haven't seen anything. Any info welcomed as school uses it too...