DD (12) bullied for GC views

[Spilltheteaagain]

DD (autistic) at private all girls’ school. BF now ‘bigender’. DD says she doesn’t believe in gender id but whatever, move on. BF flipped out and calling DD transphobic, hateful, and coercing DD to apologise. DD was holding nerve but beginning to crumble. She’s always found friendships hard and genuinely thought she’d found her first proper friend, and is now incredibly hurt.

All of this is playing out on Google Chat, on the school device, during lesson time.

I know this because DD logged onto my iPad to read Google chats while we were on holiday and forgot to log out, so I can see it all. I don’t usually read her chats, but notifications pop up and I couldn’t ignore.

Not sure what to do next. Feeling like I have betrayed DD’s trust (she doesn’t know I know all this). School need to know, obviously (not the first time I’ve complained about screens).

Gender Ideology really is awful.

I think first step is to say to your daughter that you noticed that lots of notifications were pinging on the iPad so you had a look at what was causing it.

This provides an opportunity to open the conversation about how you can support her to navigate this as a friendship issue. My own autistic daughter finds friendship navigation really tricky and although she might be pissed off initially to realise I could see her messages and hadn't said anything before (depending on how it unfolded, I would find a way to navigate this without needing to lie i.e. if asked directly I would say that yes, I was aware before but didn't think it was necessary to say anything), I think on balance she would find the offer of conversation navigation support the more important subject to focus on.

Good luck OP. I hope you gets lots of good advice posted here 🤞

I think I'd have the religion comparison chat with her purely to help her ease through school. So yes, her bff believes xyz and you believe that xyz is absolutely ridiculous but you can't say that you just have to nod and be respectful even though bff is off her trolly.

Have you thought about threatening the school with a lawsuit?

Point them in the direction of Forstater.

Has your daughter told you that she is hurt by this, or is that what you've gathered from the chat?

I guess it'll be best, either way, to hear it from your daughter that she is upset about something the friend has said. You can then say general things that are true (and that will bolster your daughter's response to the friend); friends don't coerce friends into an apology, friends respect each other's opinions or likes and dislikes, friends don't have to do/think/like the same things. I would stick to general principles rather than relating to gender ideology (even if it is mad and makes you both mad).

It sounds like she has lost this friend. But probably she's best off without her anyway. Poor thing. Navigating friendships is so hard.
And yes to talking to school! Fancy the children being able to message in class at this age, that's just bonkers.

I am sometimes accused of kicking off needlessly, however, thats because this poisonous ideology has taken over our schools with such speed, it must be met with full available force.

I’m so sorry this is happening to your daughter. She’s entitled to her beliefs and to feel safe at school. Being piled on and coerced to apologise, especially on a school device, during lesson, is not acceptable. This is bullying, full stop. You’re right to raise it formally and to expect the school to step in, protect her, and sort out their in-lesson chat setup.

I am an old hand at writing these letters now, I would strongly suggest you send this to the head of the school as soon as possible:

Subject: Urgent safeguarding and bullying complaint: belief-based harassment of my daughter on school systems during lessons

Dear [Headteacher’s name],

I am making a formal safeguarding and bullying complaint about the treatment of my daughter, [Full Name, Year/Form], by another pupil (her former friend) who now describes herself as “bigender”.

What happened (summary):

• During lesson time, via Google Chat on a school-managed account/device, the pupil repeatedly accused my daughter of being “transphobic”, “hateful”, and tried to coerce her into apologising because my daughter stated she does not subscribe to “gender identity” beliefs.
• My daughter is autistic, has always found friendships difficult, and is now extremely distressed. This is bullying and targeted hostility linked to her lawful beliefs and vulnerabilities, and it happened on your systems, in lesson time, under the school’s duty of care.

Why this is serious (law and guidance in brief):

• Gender-critical beliefs (e.g. that biological sex is real, important and immutable) are protected philosophical beliefsunder the Equality Act 2010 (Forstater v CGD, EAT 2021; ET 2022). A school must not treat a pupil less favourably because she holds or expresses such beliefs, nor tolerate prejudice-based bullying of her for those beliefs.
• KCSIE 2025 requires schools to prevent and respond to bullying, including prejudice-based and discriminatory bullying, and to address child-on-child abuse. This plainly covers hostility toward pupils because of protected beliefs.
• Your school is an independent school and must meet the Independent School Standards (Part 3: welfare, health and safety), including having an effective anti-bullying strategy and behaviour policy that actually works in practice.
• My daughter is disabled (autistic). The Equality Act imposes a duty to make reasonable adjustments and to remove barriers so disabled pupils can access education safely and on an equal basis. Her vulnerability to social coercion and online pile-ons must be factored into your safeguarding response.
• This took place on school technology during lessons. KCSIE and the DfE’s Filtering and Monitoring Standardsexpect active monitoring, clear roles, staff training, and controls that prevent harm via school platforms. The set-up allowing unsupervised Google Chat during lessons appears to have failed those expectations.
• DfE political impartiality guidance requires a neutral approach to contested issues. Pupils must not be pressured to adopt a particular ideology (including gender-identity theory) or compelled to use ideological language.

Note: While the Equality Act’s specific harassment provisions for pupils don’t cover “religion or belief”, schools are still prohibited from discrimination and victimisation, and must treat prejudice-based bullying linked to protected characteristics (including belief) with equal seriousness.

What I need the school to do now:

1. Immediate safeguarding plan for my daughter, agreed with the Designated Safeguarding Lead (DSL), addressing lesson-time safety, friendship boundaries, and reasonable adjustments in light of her autism. Please name the DSL lead for this case and confirm a same-week meeting.
2. Preserve evidence: place a hold on all relevant Google Chat logs, device logs, and any associated classroom platforms. Confirm preservation steps taken (system owner, date/time, scope).
3. Stop the harm at source: suspend pupils’ access to Google Chat (and similar messaging) during lessons except where teacher-directed, and implement effective live monitoring aligned to DfE standards. Provide the written change/control you’ll apply.
4. Behaviour and sanctions: investigate this as serious bullying and prejudice-based hostility. Apply proportionate sanctions and record them in your bullying log; confirm measures to keep the pupils apart where appropriate.
5. Protect freedom of belief: issue a staff reminder that pupils who do not subscribe to gender-identity beliefs must be treated with respect, are not to be compelled to apologise for their beliefs, and are entitled to express lawful views politely. Reference this explicitly in your anti-bullying and behaviour policies.
6. Policy and training fixes (with dates):

-Update the anti-bullying and behaviour policies to name belief-based bullying explicitly and to set out robust responses. -Ensure your online safety, filtering/monitoring, and acceptable use policies match KCSIE and DfE standards (roles, annual review, staff training, escalation routes). Share the updated policies and staff training plan.

7Governance oversight: confirm this incident and the tech-policy gaps will be reported to proprietors/governors and included in safeguarding reporting under Independent School Standards (Part 3). Provide the date of that meeting.

Timescales and next steps

• Please acknowledge within 2 school days and provide a written action plan (points 1–7) within 10 school days, including named leads and dates.
• If this is not resolved satisfactorily under your complaints policy, I will escalate under the Independent School Standards framework (safeguarding/anti-bullying compliance), which may include contacting the Independent Schools Inspectorate and the Department for Education.

For clarity, my daughter will not be apologising for a lawful, protected belief. She will, as always, treat others with courtesy; I expect the school to ensure she receives the same.

Yours sincerely,
[Parent Name]
[Contact details]
[Date]

This is similar to how I do it with my children.

Although I don't call either "ridiculous". I just say that I personally find it difficult to believe that there are exceptions to biological fact. Whether that's the idea that people can "change sex" or a child can be conceived without sperm.

I explain that some people have beliefs that will counter biological facts e.g. the idea that we all have gendered souls and sometimes we should change our bodies to match these, or the idea that a lady called Mary conceived a baby with intervention by god rather than having sex with a man.

People who hold these beliefs can feel very strongly about them and aren't going to change them if I say gender identity doesn't exist or god doesn't exist. So I don't. I just say that a) I don't believe in either and that it's OK that other people do and b) what's absolutely not OK is someone demanding that I share their belief. If that happens, it's OK to respectfully say no.

Bless her.
Gender ID is so often used by children as a weapon to bully others. And the Google messaging during class time is real a red flag - and suggests that the school don't have an understanding of online bullying.

Soem good suggestions already about how to talk to your DD about all this.

Amazing advice, thank you all. Long time lurker here, and you’re a wise bunch!

@SingleSexSpacesInSchools what a superb letter, thank you - will be using!

This ⬆️

After speaking to your daughter first to understand how she feels.

A tweak I would suggest to the wording is to mention your daughter's lack of belief in gender identity being legally protected, instead of her own belief (in biological fact) being protected. Forstater's case secured legal protection for both the belief in biology and lack of belief in gendered souls.

Yes, I believe in biology. Yes, I'm thankful that I'm legally protected when saying this. But I'm even more thankful that I'm legally protected to say no when someone demands that I use the tenets of gender identity belief. That I can say I won't because I don't believe in it.

That’s a stonker of a letter! I wish you’d been around when I was being bullied at school.

Ps I don't think you kick off needlessly @SingleSexSpacesInSchools . I think you're amazing at navigating the constant "game" of whack-a-mole that we find ourselves in, with the vast reaches and significant impact of a belief that has embedded itself into our public institutions.

@SingleSexSpacesInSchools that letter is amazing and should be pinned for all to see. Have saved as think may have to use. Thank you for your wisdom!

When does two friends falling out turn into bullying?
This seems like a bit of an overreaction.

The fact that 12 year old girls are identifying as “bigender” and then falling out over gender identity is bonkers.

She’s allowed to believe that she’d bigender (whatever that means) and your daughter is allowed to think that’s nonsense, but none of it needs to be rammed down each other’s throats.

Yes, it's important not to scoff and mock even if you think someone believes something batshit, but you also don't have to just passively nod and pretend to agree. If a child says she's a Christian, another child is fine to say oh I'm an atheist myself.

OP presumably knows if her daughter was rude or matter of fact. If someone else is allowed to say what they think, so are you, even if you don't agree.

Though ideally not in the middle of maths - is the school really giving children technology that lets them do the equivalent of whispering in class / passing notes without being detected when they're supposed to be listening or working?? I understand that's a different issue though!

That sounds more like an argument than bullying.
if she doesn't want to apologise then she doesn't have to but equally if the other kid doesn't want to be friends with your DD because they have differing views then they don't have to.
12 year olds fall out with their friends all the time.

When does two friends falling out turn into bullying?
This seems like a bit of an overreaction.

It's definitely important for the OP to speak to her daughter first.

Yes, it could just be a falling out between two friends. However, it could be more. Unfortunately many of us have experience of watching coercion at work on this subject and children being shamed into declaring a belief they don't hold. Understanding whether it has reached this threshold or not is an important first step.