How to explain to a vulnerable girl of nine?

[ThePieceHall]

I must admit, I am a little scared to post on this board but I come in peace…My vulnerable, neurodivergent and adopted daughter of nine plays out with two sisters who live on our street. Mum of said young girls has split from their father recently and has now partnered with a biological male, who, to my eyes, still resembles a stereotypical biological male, but, according to my AD2, is a ‘girl’ because he/she/they would prefer to be a ‘girl’. AD2 has fallen hook, line and sinker for the ‘wants to be a girl so is a girl’ narrative. Politely, are there any age-appropriate resources that explain that biology is immutable? I tried to have the conversation about chromosomes etc (thinking back decades to my GCSE biology) but it did not land well. My AD2, due to her early life experiences, is regarded as vulnerable and her autism means that she sees the world in black or white choices with no shades of grey.

https://genspect.org/resources/ might be a good place to start.

Thank you! Much appreciated.

That's a really tricky one. Your daughter is coming up to the age where you want to be thinking about buying body changes books to prepare her for puberty. I haven't got any specific recommendations, but I'd be looking for older secondhand books on eBay or in the charity shop (so that they pre-date current narratives...). I haven't read Milli Hill's period books, does anyone else know if they are any good?
Are there any younger children in your life that you could buy a copy of My Body Is Me for, and then read it with your daughter before passing it on?
Best wishes, this sounds like a tricky situation which is going to take time to address.

If your DD is at risk of obeying demands and not being able to recognise the difference between family and strangers, I would look into resources for; recognising, reporting and resisting escalating demands
bodily autonomy
the PANTS rule
not being polite
and saying 'No' to adults.

Start with he is a grown up so cant be a girl?

Tbh if he is or the mum is using the term girl I would see it as a red flag. Will mum call herself a "girl" in common/regular speech?

The I would split the girling into
• physical body under puberty imformation
• just because you do X its seen as feminine not masculine so that is a little like saying girls cant so x or must do x and reorganise the language where possible
eg
DD : He likes x so is a girl
You : He likes doing feminine things like x
Or
You: Do people say x is a feminine activity