Please help: looking for resources to manage DD who is saying she's trans

[CyanExpert]

Long Time Lurker here. I've found these FWR threads invaluable/eye opening/informative and generally all round brilliant. I

I'm looking for practical support and resources to help me with my DD who said last week she's trans. She is ASD, ADD, highly intelligent, in a group who are similarly all ASD/id-ing as trans or non-binary. I'm looking for any links on academic papers that refute the safety of cross-sex hormones, higher risk factors for same-sex attracted ASD girls who are more likely to identify as trans, risk of social contagion, any support for the 'but some people are born in the wrong body' views that I can gently counter (and then have the data/science papers to back up). Additionally, I remember reading on here via a link to a woman who had successfully 'scared off' the gender clinic her child was attending by filling in a comprehensive form of background information that made the clinic withdraw hormones (I think based in Scotland? maybe the form was from the Bayswater support group?). I know this is asking other people to search for information which I could spend time finding for myself, but honestly I am feeling so overwhelmed emotionally that any help and support would be gratefully received. Please note: I am not looking for supportive messages saying 'isn't it great your DD trusts you with this important news on her new and shiny identity'. If you believe in trans ideology, good for you - but I don't want to hear from you here! As a life long feminist (yes, middle aged, dried up old rights hoarding dinosaur), I'm astounded as to how this misogynistic and homophobic ideology has captured society ... and my daughter.

It might be worth contacting Bayswater as it’s very likely that parents there have more tips, links and advice to share with you?

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Their top ten tips has some links that might fulfil what you’re looking for

https://www.pittparents.com/p/the-girl-in-the-tinkerbell-dress

Is this the article?

Yes. Amazing. Thank you.

Yes, I will do this. I think right now I'm slightly in denial that I need to join a group like this. I naively thought this would never happen 'to our family'.

No useful information, just wanting to send strength. It's shocking to realise that, after decades of fighting against misogyny and stereotypes that these are now being imposed as some hellish new enlightenment. It must be even more painful to have that happen in your own family. Good luck.

Genspect has resources that might help you, OP.

https://genspect.org/support/support-for-parents-and-relatives/

Thank you.

No good advice really except (depending on her age) to suggest that you could see if she is eligible for the mini pill. There is a good chance that it will stop her periods and so take away one of the worst things about being a teenage girl.

Not ideal to put a teenage girl on the pill but a lot better than testosterone.

Also look at sports bra. They will make her chest look flatter and make her breasts feel a bit less overwhelming without damaging her.

You could try Sex Matters (Helen Joyce et al.). They talk a lot of sense.

How old is she OP? And how deeply engaged in all this? My DD is 13 and very similar - suspected ASD, same sex attracted, many LGBT identified friends. She knows I understand and support the LGB community well but have concerns about the T. She has said she's gay for several years, last year she also told me she was a boy. I said I understood why she thought that but she can't actually change sex. Now she is still very much engaged with, for example, the LGBT club at school but at home is very clear that she is a gay female. Some of her friends call her by a male name that is very close to her own but she doesn't care which name most people use and will correct anyone using male pronouns. I have just done my best to not treat it as a big deal and been clear she is amazing just the way she is.

Highly recommend Sasha Ayad and Stella O’Malley’s podcast series “Gender a Wider Lens”, and their book “When Kids Say They’re Trans.”

Sending hugs OP. There are many people on here who have been or are in your boat. Be prepared - this is a marathon, not a sprint. But there is lots of support out there for you.

Google : our duty, Erin Friday.

Get her to a psychiatrist

Do. I am in a very similar boat. Very.

There is a lot of information on this now but it can be difficult to put it across effectively to a teen who has little idea about how precious health is, and who's been told online and in school that anyone who disagrees with the notion of medical gender reconstruction is a hateful enemy.

Ultimately no one is handing out a new body to gender questioning children. Just like everyone else, they have the one and only body that they've been born with. They can choose to respect and look after it, or medicalise it at the great expense of physical and mental health in the hope against all odds that it will make them happier long-term (despite the fact that there is no data showing that long-term benefits are likely).

If I were to choose one page that's most impactful, it is information from the survey you mentioned (so page 18, Informed Consent Questions on GenspectFamilyFriendsSurveyQuestions_EN.pdf )

Bayswater and Our Duty parent support groups are helpful. For many families, gender identity has a lasting impact (often many years), so the sooner you get adequate support, the better chances you have at surviving it.

Wishing you all the best.

I've been struggling with my trans identified DD for a few years. If I could start again I would neither support nor argue against her trans identity. My reaction was to immediately push back. In hindsight this was the wrong approach. I think it just made her defensive and more determined. If I could go back, I would tell my daughter that it's a big announcement and I need to do more research before I decide how to handle it. If she expects you to use a new name and pronouns, I would tell her you're doing your research first. I don't think I'd tell her but we all know that's not a neutral act.

I don't call my DD by the male name she wants and I use female pronouns. It's possible to do this and still have a good relationship in spite of what you will read.

Good luck! The suggestions you've been given are a good place to start.

I would hold off on any mental health professionals for now. They can be captured and will do more harm than good.

Does anyone have any info for parents dealing with this for adult children (early 30s autistic female)?

Mumsnet HQ - shouldn't there be a 'Gender questioning children' section under 'Being a parent' for discussions like these? This is about parenting, not feminism, but on balance right now this is probably the best place for this discussion because LGBT assumes pro-trans celebratory approach which not all parents agree with.

I’d be really cautious about saying anything which sounds affirming or validating. The Cass review cautions on the affirmative route too, summary here:

2.
Risk of Premature or Misguided Interventions

• The report warns that social transitioning (such as adopting new names, pronouns, or clothing) may alter the developmental trajectory of a child’s gender identity. It advises that therapy should precede social transition, allowing children space to explore their identity thoughtfully.

It’s far easier for a child/teen/young adult, to come back from their trans exploration if they’ve had a quietly cynical/non affirming approach from parents without the use of wrong sex pronouns etc.

Edited to add: be very very cautious when approaching counsellors, therapists or psychologists. Many are captured and in my personal and professional experience, have woeful knowledge or concern for safeguarding on this subject. Terrifying, but true.
James Esses on X runs thoughtful therapists where you may be able to find a caring, non captured counsellor who can offer real exploratory work. instead of blind affirmation.

Just to add: while many therapists are captured, there are non-captured ones. James Esses has a resource for these, as do Genspect. You can also Google for Tavistock whistleblowers - some of them are now working independently.

Get her to read Trans by Helen Joyce. Sex Matters also have good resources.

While I adore Helen Joyce, and think Trans is an amazing book, I would actually not recommend getting your daughter to read it, or indeed anything that sets out the scientific argument against all this.

Adopting a trans id is not a logic thing, it’s an emotion thing. You cannot be logic-ed out of it because you weren’t logic-ed into it. And in my experience, and that of many others, presenting evidence of the problems with medicalisation etc will just “prove” to your daughter that you are not on her side, which will push her away from you, and towards people who affirm her identity.

A more subtle approach is needed. Definitely read everything yourself, just don’t expect to be able to ask your daughter to read it, or to be able to talk to her about it.

(I say this as the parent of a son who is unbelievably logical, to the point where I could not understand how he had been taken in by this. It is not remotely about logic.)

I agree, excellent advice.

Dr At Hakeem worked at the Tavistock for many years but is gender critical.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=dr+az+hakeem&crid=1WBED5T9W4FBY&sprefix=As+hakeem%2Caps%2C461&ref=nb_sb_ss_mvt-t11-ranker_2_9

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Az+hakeem

For your own background it’s worth listening to the Tavistock podcast on BBC Sounds