Dd wants to start hormones

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Please can anyone point me in the direction of any reading or any valid points to put her off this?

She’s floundering for a way to be happy

Does she have to go back to that uni? Could she leave and then reapply for next year somewhere else?

the holidays at home will do her good. Will she work? Meet up with old school friends?

She hasn’t made any friends at all uni? What’s the plan for living arrangements next year?

If I was her age, I’d be keeping well away from most people who have a ‘trans identity’, simply because I’d be on edge all the time worrying about saying the wrong thing. To be quite frank, I’d also be wondering what issues they had and about their MH. Ignoring the posturing trans teens who very obviously like the attention (and power) it gives them, there are a not insignificant number of them who have suffered trauma or who are struggling in some way

Perhaps you could gently ask your DD to consider whether her identity is pushing people away at Uni or making people who see her as a potential friend choose not to approach her because she’s trans. I’ve found the whole thing has faded a lot amongst teens, and they basically keep away from their trans peers, not because of hate but for an easier life.

The transman I know had a number of problems prior to transition. Being ‘a man’ was the answer to all those. They were expecting confidence and a complete change of personality almost. However, their problems remain; they’re just as unhappy; and are still seeing a counsellor to help them in their struggles. The saying ‘Wherever I go, there I am’ is very apt IMO.

and they basically keep away from their trans peers, not because of hate but for an easier life.

and bored with them trying to shoe horn it in to every discussion about anything and everything

Find info from Elaine Miller.

Does she really want the bladder control of a woman in her late 50s in her early 20s? She really needs to sit down and think about what she is hoping to achieve here, and what the likely actually outcomes are. I suffered from gender related issues in my teens, but looked into things like phalloplasty and discovered that even the "good" outcomes were nowhere near authentic (even IF they're cosmetically passable, they're not fully functional) so what was the point of putting myself through all that if I was never going to be truly male? It made more sense to focus my energy on working on being happy with myself as I was as a gender non-conforming female, than continually striving for something I could never achieve.

Remind her that she can dress however she wants and choose a different name without medical intervention. Respect her choice to adopt a non medicalised non binary type identity so as not to push her towards formal transitioning

I think some of this desire comes from being unhappy and wanting to be a different person, but they’ll be the same person afterwards.

Friends autistic son who hasn’t made friends at uni and spends all their time alone (online?) has expressed similar.
it wont magically change anything. They might get some attention for a while for making that choice. But they also might land themselves lifelong medical issues.

I did that, but it's pretty difficult when there are thousands of activists whispering that parents are bigots and hate you if they don't say "oh how wonderful, whatever you want dear".

I have zero personal experience of this but a couple of years back I listened to the podcast The Great British Cult and I always thought I would go back to the last couple of episodes of that if one of my kids ever got drawn into a similar belief system. Any sort of criticism will work against you and your relationship so it is best to avoid that for now. As said above - being completely supportive/loving but also saying that your job is a parent is to help take the long view.

There are probably too many links to read by tomorrow and you are overwhelmed so it is probably worth taking a step back?

So if it were me I would tackle the autism, the difficult first year and thinking about those things/the bigger picture (DS is autistic so I know a lot about that). Stick to those topics and finding out why she wants to make a change?

If she is unhappy, what are the other possible changes that could be made? Make a list of the things that are difficult and try to drill into those things? For a school age DS I used a map of the school to colour in red/amber/green and we went through a typical day and all the teachers/lessons to gather info because he couldn't say what the problem was. It turns up loads of useful stuff you would never get otherwise. DM me if you want the full instructions.

Maybe she would want to speak to a counsellor rather than you to help get some perspective? Ideally if you can get her a counsellor - @TwoLoonsAndASprout will be able to suggest someone who can help navigate with a neutral stance.

See if you can agree to get a watchful waiting approach and then agree to discuss again in a few days/a week.

Also agreement to avoid a DIY medication route because it is not safe - and if she's going to do it it must be completely safe and properly supervised - if you have a family history of osteoporosis that would be a good thing to mention to encourage caution.

Good luck xx

https://www.thoughtfultherapists.org/find-a-therapist

is a very useful resource for finding therapists that approach gender from a holistic, rather than immediately affirmative, point of view (so, looking at the whole child, their background, any other mental health issues, etc)

That's an interesting point. A young autistic woman's view of what it's like to be a man may be quite unrealistic.

This is going to be difficult to express without appearing to belittle women, which is unintentional if I don't make a good job of explaining my thoughts - women face similar challenges and I don't deny that. A young man, particularly a sensitive and under confident one, can find it difficult to deal with the expectations laid on him. I wonder if, as you suggest, from a gender questioning young woman's perspective being male comes with confidence and status. It isn't necessarily so. Male puberty, and the subsequent years, are often a difficult process of learning to control the sudden increase in physical power, surging libido, and vastly different expectations of responsibility.

I imagine going on testosterone artificially to some extent parallels that, especially if the young woman has a body type that lends itself to passing better than most, so that some people think she's a young man and lay their sexist expectations on "him". One of the reasons young men can be especially arrogant is that they over-respond to societal pressures to "be a man" and to be a leader, not to show doubt or hesitancy and so on. Of course some men struggle to find their own niche and personality.

Is OP's daughter prepared for the societal consequences of appearing and presenting as "a man"? My personal entirely anecdotal observation of a young transman is that they don't behave convincingly, but they come across as a rather wet limp-wristed caricature of a male teenager some of the time. No doubt some transmen are a bit more convincing! But is OP's daughter at all prepared for societal expectations of a man if she is one of the more convincing transitioners? I fear that she could end up with the worst of both worlds.

Lars, the transman who featured on the recent episode of 'I Kissed a Boy' was a good example of this. Conspicuously female in mannerism even though trying their best to suppress it and act macho instead.

That is sad to read OP.

My cousins child did this. She's also on the spectrum. Eventually she detransitioned and came off them. She's presenting as a woman again.

But she's been left with considerable health problems due to taking T. Doctors are unable to tell her how long these will go on for - maybe they're permanent, who knows.

Very little has been done to study the longer term effects of females taking excess T. I would try to do everything in my power to stop her. I appreciate that isn't easy.

I highly recommend this 4-part documentary: 'Dysphoric. Fleeing womanhood like a house on fire' by Indian filmmaker Vaishnavi Sundar. Your daughter might not be willing to watch it but it;s worth a try. I think it's superb - really insightful 1st-person consideration of why young women are 'fleeing womanhood' plus medical research, Tavistock experts, psychologists, detransitioners stories and the negative impact on women's bodies, brains, and sexual functioning, of cross-sex hormones. All thoughtfully presented. Dysphoric: