Help - resources about porn for young teen?

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This is the post that no one wants to have to type. I’ve just found out my young teen DS has been accessing porn, including what seems to be a webcam site, for the past three weeks (he somehow worked out the code to get around parental controls). I am horrified. I’d really appreciate any suggestions of how to handle this.

We have had conversations about sex and porn, though not for at least 6 months, in which I thought I’d made it very clear it was exploitative and damaging and not real life. Back then he seemed quite shocked by the whole thing.

Now I’m really keen to educate him rather than punish him. Are there any resources you would recommend? I thought maybe a film or documentary about the lives/backgrounds of women in the porn industry would be useful - but obviously don’t want one full of “happy hooker” nonsense. I wondered about the Louis Theroux “Selling Sex” film but am not sure as I haven’t seen it myself yet and I know he views sex work as work. Is there anything else similar and suitable for a young teen? (If it’s excruciating to watch with your mother, then fine - that can just be part of the consequences!)

On a side note I was also a bit concerned about the way he was messaging female friends. Nothing abusive or explicit (thank god!) but perhaps a bit…objectifying? Eg screenshotting their messages and forwarding to others with “get in - she likes me” or “think I’ve pulled here” etc. So that’s another awkward conversation I’m going to have to have this evening….

All advice gratefully received. Thank you!

That sounds like such a hard thing to discover, and I really feel for you — it’s one of those parenting moments no one prepares you for. It sounds like you're handling it with a really admirable mix of calm, care, and long-term thinking, which is honestly amazing given how upsetting this kind of discovery can be.
I think you're spot on to focus on education rather than punishment — especially since he’s clearly curious and probably a bit confused, which is so common at that age. There’s a great organisation called Culture Reframed that offers parent resources specifically about kids and porn exposure — it's science-backed and practical, and it doesn’t take a moralising tone, which can help keep communication open.
As for documentaries, one I’ve heard recommended is "Brain, Heart, World", which is a short docu-series that focuses on the impact of porn on relationships, mental health, and society — aimed more at teens and young adults, and it tries to avoid sensationalism. Also, Peggy Orenstein’s books (like Boys & Sex) are insightful for understanding how boys navigate all this stuff today.
On the messaging side — I get how worrying that is. It sounds like an opportunity to talk about respect, boundaries, and empathy without shaming him. Sometimes framing it as, “How would you feel if someone shared private messages from your sister or a friend?” can help boys switch perspectives.
You’re not alone in this — and the fact that you’re taking the time to do this right says a lot about the kind of parent you are. I hope the conversation goes okay tonight 💛

I have no real advice, other than - IMHO - the absolute key messaging should be that -

(1) If he wants to talk about girls or share messages from them with his mates then he really needs to avoid doing anything that he would not like if she did it to him, OR she would be annoyed or upset to discover.

(2) Women tend to want to be loved, cherished and protected - whilst being respected as autonomous individuals who can manage just fine without a bloke if the only bloke options are unpleasant.

(3) The vast majority of sex in porn bears absolute no relation to the sort of sex mentally well women with self-respect and aspiration want in their long term relationships. The more porn he watches the more he is being lead down a path which risks impeding his real life happiness.

In all honesty I would talk about objectification but my guess is, because he is surrounded by it and it's not him that is being objectified, it won't sink in.

I would probably make it more personal. The dangers of getting obsessed with porn, what partners will think of him, how he will approach normal sex if he's been conditioned by increasingly extreme porn, and of course the risk of death grip.

Thanks all. Yes, the dangers of porn to him and his future healthy functioning would also be good to cover - but he’s a (mostly) thoughtful and ethically-minded lad, so I thought something that makes him think about why young women might end up being involved in porn/webcams/sex industry would potentially be eye-opening for him. I will look up “Brain, Heart, World”.

I think “Raised on Porn” might also be similar in that it covers the impacts on boys and young men. But it looks a bit American and sensationalist, perhaps (I’ve only watched the first 5 min so far), so I am not sure how he’d take it. I was hoping for something gritty and uncomfortable and focused at least in part on exploitation of women.

Richie Hardcore talks about porn, relationships, masculinity: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-unspeakable-podcast/id1524832743?i=1000598238927

I really enjoyed this episode of Gender: A wider lens (although I think it's a premium episode). Shane Cole also introduced me to the concept of sacred masculinity which I thought sounds a really good antidote to the toxic masculinity we see so often. It would be nice for more young men to see that male behaviours/urges etc. can be channelled positively e.g. male sex drive can be used positively by exploring what women like and ensuring that you both have a really lovely time together and maximise connection. Listen to this one before you show it to your son as I can't remember how appropriate it might be for a young teen!

https://www.widerlenspod.com/p/premium-boys-need-to-be-taught-about?hide_intro_popup=true

The free full episode that came before the 'premium bonus content' one is here, but don't show this one to your son as the subject matter isn't 'under 18' friendly!

https://www.widerlenspod.com/p/episode-179

This essay is referenced in the podcast I posted upthread: https://robertwjensen.org/articles/the-death-of-empathy/
There’s a lot of talk about privilege which I find distracting but I can’t argue with his points about porn.

I am just coming back to say an enormous thank you to @ThisHardyKhakiPlayer.

I’ve just finished watching “Brain, Heart, World” with my son (we watched it over several days) - it was fantastic! Really gripping, hard hitting, not sexually graphic and pitched in a way to be appealing to young people, while never patronising them. We have now had a good discussion of the issues too and I imagine that will continue over the next few days as DS absorbs what he has watched.

I can’t recommend the series highly enough. Especially episode 3 which I thought was extremely moving and important, on the porn industry and the people affected. DS said “wow, those people were really brave to tell their stories like that”.

I don’t know why this isn’t shown in schools. DS tells me that his sex and relationships education hasn’t included any mention of pornography at all (though they’ve done plenty on the dangers of grooming). I might try to recommend it. And I never would have found it if I hadn’t posted here, so I’m so glad I did. Thank you again ThisHardyKhakiPlayer!

I meant to add - I will also work my way through the rest of the resources recommended on this thread, so thanks to everyone else who suggested materials and I might return soon to report on them.

Well done OP, and I think you need to share the secret of how you persuaded your DS to sit down and watch that series with you!

You sound like an amazing mother.

The book Good Pictures, Bad pictures is helpful. Fight the new drug https://fightthenewdrug.org/ science based

Hi,

I have completed a MRes in Sexuality and Gender Studies researching the impact of Sexuality, Relationship and Health Education (RSHE) in secondary schools on the lived experience of young people; I am currently a PhD student in Health Services Management and my research investigates the impact of RSHE on specific gendered sexual behaviours and expectations, and on violence against women and girls.

I am writing on here because as a woman and the parent of a daughter who is now 21 I have had to face many challenges in guiding and supporting her navigating sexual relationships as many of her struggles were similar to the ones I had as a teenager, but a lot of the pressure young people face today feels more violent also due to the accessibility of porn from a very young age and the influence of social media.

As a parent and a researcher I have put together a teaching and learning RSHE resource to support young people through difficult topics around sex, and frankly, their parents too. It's called All Of Us: Storytelling to Develop Critical Thinking in Sex Education and it's essentially based on storytelling and an attentive pedagogy to support the building of critical thinking in young people, as well as empathy, self awareness and self advocacy.

In this anthology of interviews 20 participants recount the most positive and the most negative sexual encounters in their adolescence. Together, we organically reflect on the cultural, social and personal factors that contributed to make each experience either wonderful or dreadful. The storytellers also share advice they would have wanted to hear as adolescents with the aim to support young people in navigating early sexual experience more safely, authentically and joyfully. It is empathic, sincere and deep thinking, and it provides a safe context to bridge different perspectives, build critical thinking, challenge harmful gender stereotypes and foster solidarity beyond age difference and including different genders and sexual orientations.

Please take the time to check it out and let me know if you believe it could support your teenage children (I recommend from the age of 14 onwards): https://www.allofusbook.com/

I really hope it helps, and please feel free to let me know what you think.

Emmanuelle