Navigating life as a gender critical teen

[plantpotsociety]

Namechanged.

DC has asked me to start a thread to ask how your gender critical teens navigate school life, where friends are either in the be kind brigade or are trans identifying.

Best friend (let's call him Tim) is a trans identifying male and very vocal about it - the usual JKR is a demon, TW are the most vulnerable, the sort of stuff you would find on Reddit, etc.

DC is finding it increasingly hard to cope with what Tim is saying, and it has become Tim's only topic of conversation. Both DC and Tim have autism. They are part of a very small friendship group, both boys and girls.

I have to say that DC has coped pretty well over the last few years, but over the last few months, Tim has become more vocal. DC wants to maintain a friendship with Tim.

It's a very tricky shout on this friendship, TBH. You can only resolve differences in a friendship if both parties are open to discussion and give and take. IME, trans-identified individuals are not open to discussion or seeing other points of view.

I have some friends on FB who are trans, who I know from uni, and TBH when they start pontificating about trans rights I just leave them to it, say nothing and wait for them to be open to talking about birds or music or anything else. The one person who just brings everything back to trans, I had to delete because it was so tiresome, it was like an obsession for that person, but generally with the others I just try and stick to neutral middle grounds when I see them.

The problem is, they're never asking themselves how to stay friends with someone who is GC or how to take their GC friend's POV into account, so fundamentally it will always be a bit one-sided.

Can you encourage DC to invite Tim and the small friendship group to activities that distract from endless discussion of it? Maybe to gigs that are too noisy to talk through, or to see a good film that has nothing to do with trans issues, or to go cycling or kayaking or skating together where conversation is minimal. That way they are socialising, and having a good time together, and giving everyone a break from the obsessive discussion.

Personally, I wouldn't advise airing GC views if his friendship group is small and ND. He could end up quite isolated and maybe even bullied. A key life skill is to be able to appreciate friends for the reasons we love them and steer clear of differences that could cause friction. Like politics and religion, trans beliefs fall into this category. I have friends who I adore and family members who I love above anyone else in the world, who have very different views on trans from my own (and I am nowhere near as GC as many on here) We just don't get into those discussions any more.

What brought them together as friends in the first place? Go back to doing more of that.

For example if they originally bonded over table tennis or pokemon or something. Then try and do more of that.

Tim sounds like a fairly dull friend though and it sounds like DC is outgrowing him, even if DC doesn't realise it yet

I am not a teen but it’s hard to advise as we don’t know Tim’s personality.

As an adult I had a friendship with a woman with strong conspiracy theory views. She talked about it all the time and sometimes I listened and said nothing, other times I asked questions, other times I disagreed. As she kept bringing her conspiracies up, I assumed she was ok with this until one day ahe absolutely exploded in my face and never spoke to me again. Turns out she was not even remotely ok with me not having the same opinion.

Based on this I would guess the only way to maintain a friendship with Tim is to stay silent. He seems extremely intolerant not just of GC views but also those who hold them, whom he has demonized.

The alternative is to ask him not to keep bringing these views up but I doubt he would accept that either.

Personally I think she would be better off cooling her friendship with Tim to smile and nod type interactions whilst maintaining her friendship with others.

Personally, I wouldn't advise airing GC views if his friendship group is small and ND. He could end up quite isolated and maybe even bullied

Do you think Tim would have the same concerns about OPs daughter being bullied if she was openly GC? TRA kids are more likely to be doing the bullying of GC kids. This is a movement that based its key tactic of shaming and silencing other points of view.

OP says her DC are also autistic. I know a young autistic woman who lost her entire friendship group once they realised she was GC.

DS takes the smile and nod approach then offloads to me when he gets home from college. Although he doesn't have a close trans friend, just within his wider social group. He knows it's such a messy subject he's not willing to get involved in it while he's in education.

I’m not a teenager (thank fuck, wild horses couldn’t drag me back to being that age!) but I have had to navigate friendships where we have fallen either side of the GC/TRA line.

The friendships that have survived have been those where we could agree to disagree, even if that meant the subject was off-limits. The strongest friendships have been those where we have disagreed, discussed respectfully and carried on disagreeing but understanding each other’s viewpoint.

Some friendships have not weathered the storm. Ultimately if someone is so dismissive of my views, are they really a friend and someone I want in my life?

Friendships can be hard enough as an adult but even harder as a teen because everything is so much more intense, the crucible of school/college etc. So to OP’s DC: hang on in there. Be true to yourself - you’ll be respected more for it in the long run - but be prepared for a friendship to end, either at Tim’s behest or yours. There will be other friendships that are more respectful and equal

Both of mine take this approach. On in college, one out of uni.

My DD was captured by the whole thing in her early teens for a couple of years so we get how it happens to people and do have empathy for them.

My teenage dd would count as gender critical. She recognises that everybody is entitled to their view and leaves them to it. She isn't interested in getting into big debates or trying to win people over to her 'side' she is quietly confident in her views, her friendship group includes 2 lesbians and a kid who calls themself trans, so they are all quite down with the trans stuff. If someone keeps doing something that she really doesn't like no matter what it is she cools off that friendship for a while. She is staying away from one of the girls at the minute because she was getting annoyed at how all she would talk about was getting wasted and it bored dd. You can't and shouldn't try to change people, you do you and let others do them, if you don't like who they are then they aren't the friend for you.

I don't have teens so can't be specific to your situation, hopefully you'll get more useful takes on this.

I do have a trans friend who I love. I consider their beliefs to be down to several things and this helps me to stay friends (up to now).
Firstly, they are nd and to me their non binary identity is a part of them trying to be more themselves. This is the easiest thing to make sense of and I have no issue with it. I am happy to use their chosen name and they pronouns and don't care how they present.

Secondly, the trans ideology has become a cultural reality for them and something of a special interest. I do not agree with their views on JKR and see this something like religious beliefs although sadly it seems to present more like cult membership. I have known them a number of years and before trans it was other groups, think political party or animal rights. I avoid conversations about these things and so far this has been ok.

Finally the hardest of all is the way their behaviours around being trans are linked to their mental health. To me it is a flight from reality which is destined to fail. The obsession is an unhealthy behaviour where only other people can make them feel ok by playing along and of course when this fantasy meets reality then the fault lies with the other. Their anxiety has become worse and worse as have their self-defeating coping mechanisms. In this case I see them as if they have anorexia which is a horrible illness and destroys people's relationships. I feel sorry for them and try to be supportive in other ways, a bit like someone suggested further up i.e. spending time together doing joyful things which are unrelated.

I hope things aren't too rough for your dc.

I think the pp was saying that op's dc might be bullied, so agreeing with you?? I think you've assumed dc is a girl and pp has assumed dc is a boy, hence the confusion.

Thanks everyone.

I think the issue is that it's DC's best friend, rather than someone in the friendship group.

DC does not share GC views, ever. Has done the nodding along, keeping quiet and changing the subject route, plus a healthy dose of humour. Tim is just more demanding now, wanting validation etc.

TBF @CuriousAlien DC does not have problems with presentation, although DC can't use preferred pronouns due to knowing Tim since primary school and DC's autism.

@RobinHeartella, it's more of a problem when they are in school. DC does not see Tim outside of school much, as DC has other interests.

Has done the nodding along, keeping quiet and changing the subject route, plus a healthy dose of humour. Tim is just more demanding now, wanting validation etc

Sometimes people change and friendships don't continue. And that's ok. Your DC needs to decide if this is a friendship they want to continue on the terms Tim now seems to be expecting. There does not need to be a big break up to a friendship ending, but a quiet being less invested.

@plantpotsociety it sounds like your dc is doing their best and has done everything they can. I can only use neutral pronouns for my friend, not cross sex, my brain won't let me, it's too much of a lie.
I really hope times ahead are not too hard for them.