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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Confused- I believe in sex but my child thinks their trans!

14 replies

Meowsmol · 03/06/2025 22:37

As stated i believe that you cannot change sex. Even if you could there are many surgeries and you still aren't the opposite sex.
I believe in fluid sexuality.
But my dd now 16 still wants to be a boy.
She has autism and I genuinely believe this started when she got in period in y5 and bleed at school everywhere. Teacher wouldn't let her go to the toilet.
Also autism so girls = blood = bad
But she wears lolita style v fem clothes. But we need to address them as him.
I'm so confused ,help!

OP posts:
AlexandraLeaving · 03/06/2025 22:39

Bumping for you. There are many wise people on here in similar boats.

Grammarnut · 03/06/2025 22:40

Bumping. There are many here who can help you.

Seethlaw · 03/06/2025 23:02

Dr Az Hakeem talks a bit about autstic kids and how they end up thinking they want to be the opposite sex because of their tendency to think in black and white. It's as you describe: girls who don't want to be girls for whatever reasons, and so conclude that they must want to be boys.

I don't know what would work for your child. Personally, I would start by pointing out that it's perfectly okay and normal to be a girl who wishes she weren't a girl. It doesn't mean anything in itself. It's just one of a million ways to be a girl. It's highly likely that she's been told that if she wishes she weren't a girl, then that must mean she's really a boy. And as such, it's really important that she be told that in fact, loads and loads of girls and women have wished at some point that they weren't female, that it's a very common female experience.

I hope you find the way through to her!

thirdfiddle · 03/06/2025 23:46

Your daughter, sadly, is confused. I know it's incredibly difficult when you're in the middle of it, but I'm not convinced lying about her/to her is going to help her long term.

Always, start with how much you love her. And remind her that it's okay to love someone and not agree on everything.

Listening is really important. See if you can find out what's on her mind. And then see if there are things you can do to help her feel more comfortable in her own body.

Physically she is a girl and a boy-identity isn't going to stop her having a female body. If it is that she finds periods distressing, perhaps you could discuss going to the doctor with a view to being put on a contraceptive pill that reduces/prevents periods.

TangenitalContrivences · 04/06/2025 08:01

Keep asking here but also apply to join https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/about_us/ they have been instrumental
in helping me and my son. Also autistic.

About Us – Bayswater Support

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/about_us/

colourmystic · 04/06/2025 08:02

Wait it out, check her peer group, do not take her to a therapist unless they're recommended by SEGM or similar. Your daughter isn't trans, she's completely normal. No one enjoys menstruation, it doesn't make them a boy.

BonfireLady · 05/06/2025 13:03

There's some great advice here in the thread.

When my autistic was 13 (now 16), she didn't want to be a girl and wondered if being a boy might be the answer.

We listened to how she felt and I did lots of research into what it all meant, including here on MN and by joining a trans parents group at my work.

To me, it was really important that nothing we did to alleviate her distress involved taking a step away from the reality of being a girl while she took the time to think it all through e.g. we got her the contraceptive pill to stop her periods and sports bras because she hated (still hates) her developing breasts because both of these solutions are rooted in the reality of the female body.

I haven't posted it for a while but I wrote an article about our experiences. It's mostly focused on trying to navigate CAMHS and school - and specifically trying to stop the conflation of autism-related puberty distress with gender identity - but it may be useful as info, OP:

https://www.transgendertrend.com/teenage-gender-identity-crisis/

It's fair to say that when I wrote it, I was a little too optimistic that things with the school would continue going well. Initially things did go well, but as I went up the ranks in the school (Designated Safeguarding Lead and Head - I didn't start talking to them until after the article was published) it's now clear that they don't have any interest in stopping this conflation at a whole-school level. Unfortunately there's a consistent pushing around the importance of "identity" and examples of autistic children identifying as the opposite sex being actively supported in doing so. I'm making reasonable enough progress to protect my daughter, whilst also continuing to flag the wider risk to others, but the school's approach to it all means that she remains at risk of becoming gender questioning again.

Unfortunately, it does feel like "the system" (education and healthcare) is actively working against autistic children getting what they need 😔 That's definitely something to watch out for. The icing on the cake is that if/when you advocate for caution, because of the risk of autism conflation, you might find yourself reported to Children's Services as a risk to your child. Sadly there are plenty of examples of this happening so it's worth bracing yourself for it.

It really is quite the mess 😔 I'm sure it will get better but at the moment it's a hard slog to get support that is helpful. I didn't join Bayswater group but I used a lot of their online info during my research and I've heard good things about their support network.

Transgender Trend has some useful resources around autism and gender identity. I would suggest using them with caution in your daughter's school though, because unfortunately some people position TT as a "hate group" -but in my experience it's great to have the information for your own understanding.

Teenage gender identity crisis - a parent's story

A mother writes of her autistic daughter who went through a gender identity crisis, and how she achieved a positive result in school & CAMHS.

https://www.transgendertrend.com/teenage-gender-identity-crisis/

potpourree · 05/06/2025 13:21

Do girls go on the pill these days to alleviate periods? Obviously doesn't always help but I wish I'd known that this was a possibility when I was a teen. I hated everything about them and just sort of accepted that I was supposed to be miserable, which has kind of affected a lot of my life.

If there are things you don't like you can sometimes do something about them without pretending you're literally the opposite sex. It would surely help to try and pinpoint this?

If it's general misogyny then there's less that can be done but my view is don't contribute to it by buying into sexist or MRA ideas that women are feminine and men are masculine.

colourmystic · 05/06/2025 13:32

BonfireLady · 05/06/2025 13:03

There's some great advice here in the thread.

When my autistic was 13 (now 16), she didn't want to be a girl and wondered if being a boy might be the answer.

We listened to how she felt and I did lots of research into what it all meant, including here on MN and by joining a trans parents group at my work.

To me, it was really important that nothing we did to alleviate her distress involved taking a step away from the reality of being a girl while she took the time to think it all through e.g. we got her the contraceptive pill to stop her periods and sports bras because she hated (still hates) her developing breasts because both of these solutions are rooted in the reality of the female body.

I haven't posted it for a while but I wrote an article about our experiences. It's mostly focused on trying to navigate CAMHS and school - and specifically trying to stop the conflation of autism-related puberty distress with gender identity - but it may be useful as info, OP:

https://www.transgendertrend.com/teenage-gender-identity-crisis/

It's fair to say that when I wrote it, I was a little too optimistic that things with the school would continue going well. Initially things did go well, but as I went up the ranks in the school (Designated Safeguarding Lead and Head - I didn't start talking to them until after the article was published) it's now clear that they don't have any interest in stopping this conflation at a whole-school level. Unfortunately there's a consistent pushing around the importance of "identity" and examples of autistic children identifying as the opposite sex being actively supported in doing so. I'm making reasonable enough progress to protect my daughter, whilst also continuing to flag the wider risk to others, but the school's approach to it all means that she remains at risk of becoming gender questioning again.

Unfortunately, it does feel like "the system" (education and healthcare) is actively working against autistic children getting what they need 😔 That's definitely something to watch out for. The icing on the cake is that if/when you advocate for caution, because of the risk of autism conflation, you might find yourself reported to Children's Services as a risk to your child. Sadly there are plenty of examples of this happening so it's worth bracing yourself for it.

It really is quite the mess 😔 I'm sure it will get better but at the moment it's a hard slog to get support that is helpful. I didn't join Bayswater group but I used a lot of their online info during my research and I've heard good things about their support network.

Transgender Trend has some useful resources around autism and gender identity. I would suggest using them with caution in your daughter's school though, because unfortunately some people position TT as a "hate group" -but in my experience it's great to have the information for your own understanding.

Excellent approach with your daughter. Minors with ASD are I think, 7 times more likely to succumb to ROGD so it's an industry that preys upon a uniquely vulnerable population.
Anyone branding Transgender Trend as a 'hate group' has either never read anything on their site, or is capable of finding bigotry in the room even if they have to put it there themselves.

BonfireLady · 05/06/2025 15:44

colourmystic · 05/06/2025 13:32

Excellent approach with your daughter. Minors with ASD are I think, 7 times more likely to succumb to ROGD so it's an industry that preys upon a uniquely vulnerable population.
Anyone branding Transgender Trend as a 'hate group' has either never read anything on their site, or is capable of finding bigotry in the room even if they have to put it there themselves.

Thank you.

It would be good to see a source for the 7x estimate if you know it, but it certainly does seem plausible. Unfortunately ROGD is denied by too many people - another example of how autistic girls are being failed.

I've written about it in other threads but a female who identifies as male joined the autism unit (resourced provision within a mainstream school) this academic year and it's fair to say that there is now a lot of talk amongst the students within it of all things trans. My daughter is constantly hearing the Be Kind model from staff and other students in there, as well as in the wider school. Plus there are other autistic children at varying stages of thinking about their own gender identity - at least one was in the early stages of being gender questioning prior to this child joining but I understand there are others too.

Unfortunately this child openly talks about self-harm and suicide ideation in relation to it all - if I hadn't transitioned I wouldn't be here etc etc.

Interestingly both my daughters (my other daughter is in the mainstream school, in the same year as this child) say that the staff seem to be afraid to question anything that this child does because they'll get called "transphobic". Whether that's a fair perception or not, I don't know. But my daughters certainly both agreed with each other when they spoke about it. I was just listening to their conversation and reacting with appropriate "oh that sounds difficult" type phrases.

Apparently the child has accused students of saying transphobic things but I'm not sure about staff members. I have no idea if actual transphobia was happening as the term itself is very wide and fluid in its description - it's the fact that my daughters talked about a climate of fear - of saying that wrong thing - amongst the staff that's telling.

As an example of how things are left untackled, the child currently has multiple face piercings, despite that being against school rules (and blatantly not "reasonable" as an adjustment). I have no doubt that this child is vulnerable and in need of support but I don't think the staff understand the coercion that they're experiencing from this child, even if it's not intended as such - and that they are amplifying this coercion to the rest of the (also) vulnerable students: "do what xxxx wants or xxxx will be sad and we need to Be Kind because xxxxx is very vulnerable" etc etc.

When I asked a senior member of staff in the unit her thoughts about the impact of this child using male pronouns on the others, she (staff member) said "Oh, xxxxx is really relaxed about it. It doesn't matter if you get it wrong". My jaw hit the floor on hearing that. Surely the implicit coercion is obvious here?! Wrong - who gets to decide that this child's belief in gender identity is "right" and that reality is "wrong"?

Anyone branding Transgender Trend as a 'hate group' has either never read anything on their site, or is capable of finding bigotry in the room even if they have to put it there themselves.

Agreed. I used to feel uncomfortable at their strapline "no child is born in the wrong body" but I realise now that it makes sense to have such a punchy message as an umbrella above all of their thoughtfully and compassionately constructed content.

Edited for grammar and clarity.

ParmaVioletTea · 05/06/2025 16:54

Is your school "socially" transitioning your DD? If so, they must stop - it is now a government directive that schools should not do this, and certainly NOT against the wishes of the parents.

The main thing is to read & research. THere's lots of help out there for people in your situation.

The Cass Report might be helpful here. It is international best practice and thoroughly researched. Dr Cass concludes that the evidence suggests that a "watchful waiting" strategy is best.

It's a long read ...
webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/ukgwa/20250310143933/cass.independent-review.uk/home/publications/final-report/

If you think your DD might benefit from some talking therapy, then contact James Esses' organisation, Thoughtful Therapists, or see his website
jamesesses.com/

or Genspect keeps a list of therapists who will not automatically affirm a child's delusions that they are the opposite sex
https://genspect.org/

You might also find Sex Matters and Safer Schools Alliance helpful
https://sex-matters.org/about-us/

https://safeschoolsallianceuk.net/

Good luck!

Home — Genspect

Our international organisation includes professionals, trans people, detransitioners, and parent groups who advocate a non-medicalised approach to gender diversity.

https://genspect.org

BonfireLady · 06/06/2025 08:32

Great suggestions from ParmaVioletTea

I read this book, written by Sue and Marcus Evans (ex-Tavistock) and found it really helpful:

https://firingthemind.com/product/9781912691784/

My daughter didn't want to go to a therapist when she was struggling with everything, so this book gave me a way to think about how to support her in my capacity as a parent. Apart from the foreword by the equally brilliant David Bell - which goes way over my head in psychobabble - it's written in plain and accessible language.

Gender Dysphoria: A Therapeutic Model for Working with Children, Adolescents and Young Adults - Firing The Mind

Aimed primarily at clinicians working in the field to provide a model for understanding, assessing, and treating gender dysphoria

https://firingthemind.com/product/9781912691784/

TheSlantedOwl · 06/06/2025 08:34

If she has black and white thinking, perhaps remind her it’s physically impossible for her to be a boy or ever ‘turn’ in to a boy with surgery and hormones?

That she can love who she likes and dress how she likes, but that it’s impossible?

LittleMissViper · 06/06/2025 08:41

With the black and white autistic thinking; ask her to outline her plan for transitioning, and to tell you at which point she would consider her transition complete. At which moment does she change from being a girl to being a boy.

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