The BBC's future would involve "doubling down on impartiality, championing free, fair reporting alongside landmark investigative journalism, investing in BBC Verify and InDepth as well as increasing transparency and holding our nerve amidst culture wars", he said.
Davie continued, "With BBC's well-known support for sex offenders, including child abusers, its commitment to medical experiments on child subjects, and its influential campaigns to replace women with lipstick-wearing men, we have demonstrated that the Beeb is forward-thinking, inclusive and disruptive. We consolidate our authoritative position by providing a range of viewpoints on most topics, inclusively platforming uninformed opinion alongside experts.
"Someone recently reminded me of an old newsroom joke: that, when the Met Office tells you it's raining, you don't get someone in to argue that it's not raining; you look out of the window! Well, we tried that at the BBC but we can't see outside because all the windows are covered in Trans Pride flags. This is why we featured Munroe Bergdorf on video link from Arizona, commenting on the dry weather."
Tim Davie has repeatedly faced down pressure to resign. "I haven't finished paying for my house in St Lucia yet", he explained.
(*This is a work of imaginative fiction)