Work: communication: non-binary and ME

[ThisIsMyGCname]

I’m menopausal. I am neurodiverse. I believe there are two human sexes. I’ve always believed this.

I’m very. Very. Very. Low on patience.

I've been called out, in a jolly, chatty, friendly way, for addressing someone incorrectly in writing. At least I think that’s what’s happened. I find tones of emails difficult and they’ve not told me directly what I’ve done wrong and what I should do instead.

Is it appropriate to respond and ask them to be specific with their requirements. But that I may, or may not be able to meet their needs at every point in every conversation due to my own protected characteristics?

I need my job. My family need my wages.

If the email is unclear as to what you've done wrong and how it should be corrected, ask for clarification and a succinct example. This should be the default in any workplace situation; I work in a STEM environment and vague emails means expensive experiments go wrong (or people get injured).

Take a breath — it sounds like this is really getting to you.
Don’t do anything just yet.
Maybe draft your emails for now and save them so you can double check them later

Hi Op,

It’s difficult to say without knowing the full story but I’d be purely professional and apologise and ask for clarification on how they wish to be referred to, so that you know going forward, nothing more than that.

Obviously without knowing what has been said, it’s difficult to judge how you should handle it.

I would say probably the first person to speak to would be your line manager if you feel that further interaction might make things worse (especially to protect yourself and in light of your own ND), but obviously that depends on what’s actually been said as that might be (or look like) an overreaction.

There’s a useful app called Goblin Tools that helps autistic people judge the tone of emails, so that might be helpful first to differentiate between friendliness and passive-aggression without having to post the text here.

I don't think there's any harm is replying as you've suggested for clarification.

tbh I don't see how you can have addressed someone NB incorrectly via email anyway, as you'd never have cause to use their 3rd person pronouns in the first place, as you'd never be speaking about them in an email sent to them (e.g "hi bob how are you" not "hi bob how are he/she/they?")

Depending on what they come back with, you could then decide to rebutt, or, if you cba with the argument, just reply something like 'Noted,' or 'thanks for clarifying,' which doesn't imply you agree with them or will take any particular action going forward, but hopefully won't prompt anything further from them.

I’m not apologising because I’ve not done anything wrong.

I will ask for clarification.

Ive heard of Goblin Tools and I’ve had a play with it.

I don’t think the response was passive aggressive, I think it was jolly and kind. But I think it’s really odd that someone should tell me I’ve done something wrong, but not what, or how to fix it.

I agree it’s fine to ask what they meant.

If it was over email I assume OP was referring to someone other than the person directly being sent the email eg “I’ve copied Bob in because I know he has worked on this before”.

Yes, I was referring to a third person.

I’m not sure what I did wrong. I’d checked the third person out and saw their pronouns. I used the first pronoun the first time I mentioned them and the second the second time.

There are a few important work issues that I’m going out of my way to sort out. It’s not directly my role. I’m being kind and helpful. Yet, there’s no thanks, only “ha ha, this is what you need to know -going forward”.

Can you be more specific about what the person's preferred pronouns are and what you said?

For example, if this person has listed their preferred pronouns as "she/they", did you say something like, "Taylor said she studied French at university. They do not speak Spanish"?

Is it a grammar issue?

They/them

They won’t be late. Give it to them.

rather than -

They won’t be late. Them is always punctual.
or perhaps
They won’t be late, they is always punctual.

I might be tempted to reply-
‘Could you clarify? Between ASD and menopause I can’t quite see what you are trying to say.’

But I’m old enough to look forward to being managed out!

I do feel ‘they’ should be singular when used for one person. They is often found in the kitchen at parties.

I think I would say something like, "I don't understand what you're saying here. I was under the impression that I had used Taylor's preferred pronouns. Please be aware that I am neurodiverse and I do not always understand what people mean when they drop hints, I need you to explain what the actual problem is using clear and unambiguous language."

That way you're showing that you've made an effort to respect the person's preferred pronouns, and laying down a marker in the sand suggesting that if they don't back the fuck off they'll be in trouble for not making reasonable adjustments for a neurodiverse person. Fight fire with fire.

I agree you should not apologise, my patience is similar to yours. Response by myplace sounds great though.

People love to be able to educate others and point out that they’re superior because they’re in the know about someone else’s pronouns, and from what you’ve said, it sounds like that might be what’s going on here.

It’s kind of like posh people laughing at the commoners pronouncing Beauchamp how it’s written when there’s a secret code that only the cool kids know.

You checked the pronouns they had written somewhere (email signature or something?) and used those?

I’d just say that.

I don’t think there’s any need to overthink and stress over it, or go into “I may or may not be able to meet your request” territory. Ask what you’ve done wrong, and try to make a habit out of always asking people how they prefer to be addressed - in all contexts, rather than focusing on gender and what you personally believe. If I’m speaking or meeting with somebody with an unfamiliar name, I’ll always open with “So that I’m not being impolite, can I ask you how I pronounce your name, please?” I ask women whether they go by Ms, Miss, Mrs, or something else. And if somebody has a neutral name I’ll ask their pronouns - nothing to do with gender, but the result of having spent months referring to a man named Casey, who was too polite to correct me, as “she” in writing and the third person.

I can’t ask everyone how they’d like to be addressed when they’re not there. I’d not get anything else done. I don’t make assumptions. I looked at the persons “profile”, saw that the person had, let’s say, Zee/Xar pronouns. I then wrote something like :

”I’d be grateful if Name could do this. When Zee has done this could Xar do that?”

Thank you for the solidarity and suggestions. I do think the person was trying to be helpful-and it came across to me as condescending. As Xarsplaining.

Xarsplaining 🤣

It’s rather amusing if they were trying to help you to save you from looking silly, OP…

Oh Longs, you’ve helped restore my sense of humour. Thank you. That’s just what I needed. And carbs.

I was in a 1-2-1 recently where the other person had they/them in their video chyron but introduced self with sexed pronouns.

I am reasonable with social cues. Nonetheless, I am clueless as to their preferences.

Some people must wonder why others don’t speak freely with them.