Moral quandary

[BottomsByTheirTops]

Right, I’m a terf. I’ve recently attended a family event and met up with a cousin: we have children of similar age. Her DD1 (16?) is identifying as male. Her DD2 (13?) is having significant mental health issues and school refusing (as is DD1).
My DS1 (14) is ASD/PDA and has been out of school for 3 years. We’ve had a rough time as a family - DS1 suicidal, violent with massive impact on DS2 (11) who has his own mental health issues now.
I wittered on about the massive impact DS1 woes have had on DS2 - and how siblings are often forgotten in the ND world. This struck a chord with DD2 of cousin.
Quandary: cousin is asking to visit us. I’m very happy to see her and am well able to keep my trap shut over all matters transgender, but:

Should I tell her my position - is it worse for her to discover it somehow? I don’t know her true beliefs - she may be a true believer in gender identity, she may be a distressed parent trying to do the right thing.
I absolutely would not be proselytising my opinions, I am well practiced as avoiding confrontation, but it would potentially be catastrophic if it all came out during a visit.
Contributing issue; my DS1 thinks I’m a disgusting bigot so maybe unable to keep his trap shut. Having said that, he hates interacting with strangers so may make himself scarce.

Maybe it will all come to nothing, but I’d appreciate advice.

I think meet your cousin away from home without any of the DC.

OK - what do I tell her as to why?

Bump

Firstly, your DS doesn’t get to tell you you’re a disgusting bigot in your own home.

I would meet your cousin outside the home and just tell her DS1 struggles with visitors or somesuch.

You could just say you'd like to get out of the house, or that it's better to chat without the teens around.

I’m not looking for advice on how to deal with DS1.
But 3 of you saying don’t get the kids involved: message received, thank you

Meet your cousin somewhere neutral, make it a time for a coffee, cake and a catch up and then let her tell you why she wants to meet up.
It could be all of her problems are getting on top of her and she just what's time away from it all.
Take your cues from her, if she brings it all up, you could start to express your stand but if she's resistant to hearing it don't force the issue.
Play it by ear.

I agree about meeting her away from her home without the DC. As to what you tell her -

• you don't want them listening in, because then they'll hammer you with questions
• you don't want them butting in and derailing the conversation
• you want her to feel able to talk freely with no chance of anything she says to you getting back to her DC, especially since it would probably end up garbled and out of context
• you want to be able to talk freely without risking your words affecting your DC

Thank you for help on this: complicating factor is we live many hours apart so the initial plan from her was to come our way as part of a holiday. Not just a question of popping out to meet up.
So I will need to offer some explanation as to why they can’t all just come to ours.

Last thing you need is her children in your home interacting in a negitave way with your children.
It creates a huge risk for your family dynamic.

You need to be a little blunt and say that your children need to be managed in a way which works for everybody so at the moment that is you meet her on her own. If that is not what she wants you are sorry but thats all you can offer at the moment.

If her objective is that the 2 second siblings meet you will need to be sure that is in your sons best interest. Plus you would need to be disclose that you see her DD1 as having a mental health issue but will treat DD1 as any female guest so would not accept her breaching social conventions around your children.

If she is looking for some adult support you would need to be honest to have a 2 way relationship.

This is insightful - yes, I do need to protect my children. Bugger, I’m trying to be friendly/ supportive and it turns into an issue.

I know I'm reading this as an AIBU and not a FWR post, but unless you have a big house this sounds like a very, very stressful holiday.
Is your focus on wanting to respect and support your cousin despite your differing beliefs on trans stuff causing you to ignore the overall logistics of her visit? Not seeing the woods for the trees?