Violent Ex and Online Forum

[Alter12345]

Does anyone have any advice on my violent ex using the same online forum as me?

I was in a DV relationship with physical abuse and coercive control. I finally found the courage to leave. He was charged with offences relating to this. He continued his abuse through child access visits and eventually the courts removed his access.

He tells people that he is innocent and I made up lies about the DV and I've blocked his child access out of spite. His friends believe this.

I'm a long standing member of a forum connected to my main hobby interest where I'm a popular person. He has joined the forum and keeps writing lies about "the ex" and his friends join in slagging off this ex.

I know it's him as he's dropped clues that make it easy for me to identify him. Type of job, town he lives, partners job etc.

I've been to the Police and they agree it's abuse about me but because he hasn't specifically named me or made it clear it's about me, they cannot do anything. If it went to court, he could easily say it was another ex he was talking about and casual readers of the forum won't guess it's about me. They've advised me to keep myself safe and move on and find something else to do.

The forum owner has taken the same stance as he's not broken any T&Cs by talking about "the ex" as it's not obvious it's an attack on me. He doesn't get how triggering I find it.

What can I do next? The advice for DV survivors just seems to be move on and keep out of his way. If I leave the forum, I lose social interaction and friendships that I've built up and will feel isolated, so it feels like coercive control again. If I stay, then he continues to goad me writing lies about me which triggers me.

I just want this man out of my life for good so I can live without fear.

If you left the forum maybe he'd lose interest and leave as well, it's clear he's only there to harass you. Or you could play him at his own game, talk about your abusive, nasty ex who was so bad even after leaving him that the courts took away his parental rights _ he can't complain can he?

Not that you should have to, but could you set up a new profile for the forum and interact with others without giving away any identifying details so he doesn't know that it's you?

You shouldn't have to go into hiding but if he hasn't done anything to allow the forum owner to remove him, and you want to continue to use it, it might be an idea?

You could open a new profile, contact the people you interact with through direct messaging to let them know you are on under a new profile due to harassment (you don't have to be specific) then delete your old profile. I had a friend who had to change her profile/name several times on Facebook to get away from a stalker. Hope it works out ok op.

Getting involved in the power play will just feed his narc drive for attention. Grey rock is the only way.

OP, I'm sorry. What an utter shit he is.

If he doesn't get the response he seeks he'll either eventually get bored and move on, or he'll escalate to try to provoke a response.

It's an aggressive act, done with plausible deniability. And yes, an attempt to control again. A continuation of the abuse.

All I can say is that you have won the war. You are safe, he can't harm you or your children. It's unfair that he can still try to attack you like this, but the best response is to not let it bother you, or at least not let it show.

@ArabellaScott you're probably right, it would just make him angrier and more hell bent on revenge. It just seems so wrong that the Op is still having to put up with his abuse with no legal way of shutting him down

If the police aren’t interested, I would be looking at stalking laws very closely with a view to pushing harder. Does NI have any form of women’s legal services?

Second making a new profile for now. Something you think is cute but is unrelated. TheEasterBilby, perhaps. Or something.

Can you block him on the forum so you don't see his messages? I know some forums don't allow this but others do.

Sending you lots of sympathy!

Well done OP for escaping him. I'm sure I've heard it said that the best revenge is a life well lived. I'd advise you to ignore his posts, they're the spiteful wailing of a thwarted bully. How empty must his life be if this is how he wants to spend his time. The posts he makes are about someone he's invented, they're not about you, they can't be, because you know they're lies. Perhaps treat them they way you would if it was any random stranger bitching about someone else unknown to you.

Yes. It is wrong. Abusive, narc men are devious, clever, and abusive.

I've changed my name before but he worked out it was me. Friend thinks it's from my posting style and other interests. There are threads for other interests, like a gardening club where everyone is talking about sowing seeds and summer bedding plans at the moment.

There is an ignore function but it doesn't work properly. He can still see my posts and if someone quotes him, I can still see it and I can still see he's reacted to posts.

I don't want to post stuff about what happened as not everyone is aware of my past. It's not something I feel comfortable broadcasting.

Thanks for the comments. I'm feeling really down and I appreciate them.

I'm sorry to say, OP, but it's possible you may not ever leave the fear behind altogether. And that may be rational.

Have you had some counselling or other support to help process what you've been through?

I've had generic counselling but haven't been able to access specialist help.

I would feel more comfortable if he was banned from the forum. He's only there to stop me having friends like he did when we were married.

You could try women's aid?

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

It sounds like in depth stalking

Are you taking screen shots?

Oh, poor you. The best thing you could possibly do is carry on as though he's not there.
I know that would be really hard, but it shows him that he has no effect or power over you. As though he no longer exists.

I wish the police were more helpful.

Have you been in contact with the moderators?

Yes I've got screen shots.

I have been in touch with the moderators but they said he hasn't broken the site T&C's. He's been banned a couple of times for short periods when he has overstepped the mark but then let back on again.

Just frustrating that he's allowed to still try and frighten me into leaving something I enjoy.

What are the T&C about stalking and harassment?

Have you told them that the Police have said it is ongoing abuse and harassment and that you are taking legal advice.

Yes I've told them but they don't care.

It's men who run the forum and they don't understand what it's like. I think they think I'm overreacting.