Advice I hope I won't need - DD and SIL

[youkiddingme]

I'm going to have to be circumspect with this in case I say anything outing but I have this idea that my new SIL may declare he's decided he's a woman.

Reasons: (and I have no problem with most of these things individually and can empathise with those that give me pause) He's very camp, and happy to be so, loves 'girly' pampering sessions, sometimes refers to himself as she. He enjoys being centre stage. He's very sensitive - needs reassurance. They are both increasingly invested in Pride, drag, etc. I have seen my Dd's position shift further and further in that direction. She is a lovely compassionate person and is coming from a place of empathy. She has previously been hurt by a toxically-masculine man.

There's just something about the situation that makes me worry about gaslighting. Since their wedding, SIL has become depressed and needs more reassurance. Perhaps a touch of post-wedding euphoria blues or something? Time will tell. Trying to offer open support to both atm.

The thing is, they are very much a team with one voice on anything (of course they are, they're newlyweds) and often wrongfoot DH and I with sudden changes to plans, sudden announcements, always done in a way where we feel put on the spot. Usually about minor matters - so we adjust and fit in with the new thing. I get few chances to chat with DD alone - SIL likes to be included or arrives part way through to say hello.

So, what I'm asking is, if this is suddenly thrust upon me. How do I deal with it? They know I'm GC, but ofc we don't talk about that. (though they do talk about pride and drag etc). If my DD is genuinely happy with all this, I obviously have to put my personal beliefs to the background. But—and this may be paranoia on my part—I'm scared for her.

There's a good chance this won't happen, and my 'spidey senses' are a pile of crap, but I'd rather prepare myself than mess this up, and I'm sure any advice will help someone if not me.

Thanks. xx

All you can do is be supportive and measured, any criticism will push her away.

They may be perfectly happy if that happens. I know of people who are. Particularly if you are saying it wouldn’t be surprised.
I may disagree with your stance but I think your approach here is probably spot on. Be there for your DD and be as supportive as you can be.
I wish you all luck.

It sounds more like he is gay than trans.
most straight transwomen are quite masculine. Thinking of the transwomen I’ve seen in real life and online I can’t think of any who are in relationships with women who are camp at all.

It's a puzzling question as to why have they, a heterosexual couple, become so obsessed with drag and pride. But please try not to worry about it. There are lots of camp men about who have no interest in spending their lives pretending to be whatever weird male idea they have of women. He may well just be that.

What did you mean by: often wrongfoot DH and I with sudden changes to plans, sudden announcements, always done in a way where we feel put on the spot

Hope for the best, plan for the worst. Maybe he is ‘lovely’ and spontaneous re the disruption to planned get together, or maybe he would prefer you not to be quite as close to his wife. Read up on trans widows and the isolation and headfuckery they endure. Hope it doesn’t happen to DD. Be prepared .

Thank you so much for all the comments. Writing it out and reading them has helped me sleep on it.

My best guess is that he's searching for his true tribe, as a gentle feminine man. I think he's fine - lovely - as he is. I hope he does too.

I've also worked out that my fear is that if he did go down that route, I'd handle it badly - I'm currently working on CPTSD myself and there would be some trigger points and cognitive dissonance I'd struggle with. If it did happen, and I don't think it will - your responses have dialled that notion down for me - I think I can only be honest if I'm struggling with certain things and acknowledge any anxiety triggered is my issue. I think I can separate my personal struggles from my belief system in order to do that.

This space has helped me enormously to process that fear.

Thank you. xx