Send crisis wrecking womens careers

[Enoughofthisnow]

Not sure where to post this really. I'm just feeling really done in. This article has just summarised my life and my mother's before me and I'm fed up with it. I've just spent my entire adult life as a carer for a sibling who died a couple of years ago, constant battle to get the care they needed - worked part-time a lot to cope but not enough hours to warrant carer's allowance, so dip in earnings, laughable pension and several failed careers behind me. I now have 2 dc with suspected SEND in need of assessments, elderly parents with failing health and work full-time as a single parent. There just isn't enough of me to go around and I still can't put myself first. I am done in and fed up. It's the 21st century ffs! We should have this shite sorted out by now.

https://inews.co.uk/inews-lifestyle/quit-fight-son-send-crisis-wrecking-womens-careers-3398843

Bless you OP. It was the most exhausting and stressful time of my life being in that sandwich of caring for the elderly while also the young. Add into that SEND and it must feel unbearable. No wise words, but much sympathy

Thank you @MrsOvertonsWindow I'm nornally okay with it all, just reading this triggered a right moan!

Just sending you good wishes for strength, and a turn in the road for you soon.

Yep. I had to stop OU and still only work part time with teens. Even then I can't fit all the life admin, emails, phone calls, video meetings and in person meetings in on my non-working days.

<Fistbump>

I’ve been working for a year part time having had to rely solely on benefits for years to care for my middle son (ASD, couldn’t cope with school).

Now my job, which I love, feels at risk because my youngest son (also ASD) is no longer at school as he wasn’t coping.

I’m doing everything I can to meet everyone’s needs, keep my job and not go round the bend. It’s shit.

I don’t know what the answer is but support for SN children in school is dreadful, and of course it mainly affects mothers because we’re the default parents who have to drop stuff.

This is so sad.

I'm a carer to my DS with sen, I am not a reliable staff member due to my sons needs often resulting in me having to collect him during the day from school or days we can't get him in the school transport.
My jobs have always been nmw so financially I'm not worse off by much unless I was hammering overtime, but I miss my residents. I miss the staff room and feeling like I'm contributing something to society. My son needs me and the additional things such as endless laundry and trashed house from meltdowns mean I'm not ever not busy, but I can't imagine how deflating this would be had I had a career, not a job.
The idea of becoming qualified after years of uni to be forced to be staying at home caring for a child is really quite sad.
Ironically a colleague and I had considered becoming SEN registered childminders but the fact your home becomes a workplace put me off. But SEN kids and send parents need decent provision in place. Especially mums.

Yes. I work 4 hours a day from home and even that gets regularly interrupted dealing with DD16's SEND needs. Mostly it's sorting out the damage after schools/colleges decide to completely ignore what's on her EHCP and cause even more problems. They're always happy to pocket the EHCP funding though.

The whole system is broken, exhausting and needs a complete overhaul.

I'm so very sorry OP.

I teach children with send. I'm very aware there are many parents, most commonly the women, who have to cut back on their work and career to cope and also fight for their children's needs.

Exactly this. Schools and local government have played a disgraceful role in attempting to invalidate disabled children's needs.

This would be me as well.
I had to home educate my child as their school was so ill equipped to deal with his needs he was in danger of actually dying there. I gave up everything.
I studied hard with OU and gained another degree during that time. I have never been able to use it though as DH then became very ill and I now have to care for him on top of our now adult child.
My parents are now elderly and siblings all live abroad. I have spent my whole life caring for others and can see nothing is likely to change.
I used to have so much hope for the future and dream of a fufilling career. I'm having a hard time accepting that it's probably not going to happen to be honest and feel like my brain is being wasted.
The support just isn't out there.

Sending hugs to everyone dealing with this. It feels like women are keeping a semblance of civil society going with their roles as unpaid carers. It doesn't seem remotely fair.

Yes I do feel the gendered aspect of the SEND crisis isn't recognised enough.

In general wherever society or the system fail children it's disproportionately women who sacrifice to pick up the pieces.

In fairness my dc's father is better than a lot, but he just doesn't have the skill set I do, so I'm the better parent to take the lead on this. I'm just sulking because for the first time ever I feel like I'm fully contributing financially, being appreciated at work and like I'm progressing again. But it's just not possible to do both like this, as everyone's needs are getting greater, so the guilt for spreading myself to thin and pressure to reduce hours again is increasing. It's pants.

I agree @ChillysWaterBottle.

I suppose in previous generations (say 50 years ago), only a few women had real career opportunities so SAHMs were the default carers in this situation.

What’s been put in place to replace this outdated family model? Not much from what you’re saying. Who provides the support now that most women work?

Who provides the support now most women work? No-one really, women just suck it up on top of. It was a little better perhaps when there were half decent services and a voluntary sector that wasn't imploding, but for now, I predict many women giving up work again and an increased benefits bill.

I totally feel this. I’m the primary earner in our household and I haven’t had a pay rise since my daughter’s diagnosis.
DH has totally stepped up, he’s a SAHD. He manages the household, does the majority of the “women’s work” but went you’re on an intrinsically safe site and you’re terrified to leave your phone because you KNOW they’ll call you…

Women's unpaid caring work is completely unappreciated in society and yet society wouldn't function without it.

It's also underpaid mostly women providing support for SEND children in schools.

I think there needs to be some recognition that the two income model for families actually isn't sustainable.

Kids with medical or other issues, parents, siblings, these are all scenarios where there needs to be someone available to just be there.

Not to mention small children who will always require care for some years.

The idea that can be wholly, or even largely professionalized is a bit of a mirage, I think. We're told it's possible if only we support people financially, but I'm not convinced that the evidence supports that. It tends to be only the extremely wealthy that can make that really work and that will never be most people. Even those who can hire professionals for a lot find there are limits to what those people can do.

A society where almost all adults have careers that take up most of their time and energy, on top the work of the family and just life, may always end up being kind of shitty for many people.

Yep, and then people wonder why there's a child mental health crisis....

Yep, this is me.

Recruitment for TAs supporting high needs SEND children is quite difficult, at least where I live (because people can earn as much with staggeringly less responsibility and risk working in a supermarket), which results in a revolving door which further undermines the support provided because in general children need consistency. And of course it's mostly mothers, with some fathers, who pick up the slack and this is often (in my observation) to the cost of the mother's health and wellbeing. Which is what @peoplearepeople is really saying (sending solidarity☕and 🍰).

I feel you on this one. It's shit.

I'm in the same place. Society finds it awfully convenient to pretend we don't exist.

I feel this too. I haven't struggled anything like some PP but I have also effectively given up on any career aspirations I may have had for myself. Everything has been having to fit around a SEN child through the school years. Don't get me started on the misogynistic discourse around 'Autism Moms' online from people and organisations who should know better.