The Secret Sexual Basement

[CassieMaddox]

Someone posted this on another thread I'm on and it resonated so much with me - both in terms of my personal experience being married to someone with a Secret Sexual Basement and in light of recent events like Huw Edwards and the Gisele Pelicot trial.

https://www.btr.org/secret-sexual-basement/

A man has created a “Secret Sexual Basement” when he has a “deceptive, compartmentalized sexual or relational reality.”

Dr. Omar Minwalla describes this as an “integrity abuse disorder situation”.

When a man chooses to:

• Manipulate
• Lie to
• Gaslight
• Emotionally neglect and/or
• Financially neglect

his partner and family in order to keep his secret sexual basement intact, he is abusing them.

Further, in order to have a secret sexual basement in the first place, there is a sense of sexual entitlement.

“The minute you have sexual entitlement, you’re abusive.”

I wish the media and society writ large would recognise these men as the abusers they are rather than buying into the whole "he couldn't help it, childhood trauma, wife not intimate yadda yadda bleurgh" that goes on.

Thought others on this board might also appreciate it as male sexual behaviour is often discussed.

I posted this earlier on a thread and I agree this needs to become common knowledge.

Women are often reluctant to discuss what their partners have done out of shame. Often people ask ‘were you having sex’ and regardless of whether she says no or once a day, once a week or once an hour it’s followed up with ‘well what did you expect’.

I also believe exposing your spouse to STDs is abuse.

https://uploads-ssl.webflow.com/61708b185d7d724acc2096da/61a5399eb4455c2a32f84d60_The_Secret_Sexual_Basement_Nov_2021.pdf

This is another document (Minwalla) which highlights the impact on the spouses of people with secret sexual basements. I hope it helps any victims reading this realise nothing they did contributed to the choices their spouse made.

Sexual compulsivity is a “lack of control” problem, and sexual entitlement is an, “I don’t want to control” problem. One is an impulse control issue, and the other an unhealthy psychology and belief system.

from another article

https://minwallamodel.com/article/sexual-compulsivity-or-sexual-entitlement/

It was probably the same thread.
I was too embarrassed to tell many people what my ex was like because 1) I thought people would assume he wasn't getting any (he was, and some people did assume that ), 2) I didn't want to piss him off and make our divorce harder than it needed to be and 3) I didn't want my children finding out (although eventually I had to tell them because it was more confusing for them not understanding).

Thank you for sharing it because the concept of a "sexual basement" is really helpful for me to put my experience into context.

@CassieMaddox listen to the interview with him on one of those links.

Are you okay now? Do you have real life support? It’s often from people you least expect. Funny old world really. The lack of sex is nonsense - sometimes both ladies end up pregnant. I think beliefs like lack of sex allow people to think their spouse won’t stray, it gives a sense of control.

The book ‘Not just friends’ by Glass and
‘cheating in a nutshell’ by the Mitchell’s are good reads.

I think knowledge is so important. It nothing more than enabling you to articulate your feelings and thoughts. I wish you well.

Thank you. It was a several years ago now but I still struggle to line up "public version" of ex with what he was like in the marriage. And of course he has a new partner and I worry a bit for her.
I will listen to the interview because I think it could be helpful.

I'm sorry to hear that, Cassie.

Thanks ,Arabella . It's OK but it's important to me other women can learn some of this stuff more quickly than I did so as not to stay stuck with these men out of guilt.

What I really liked in the paper was this bit:

1. Male Sexual Entitlement. Male sexual entitlement is a more specific and troubling manifestation of entitlement. This concept revolves around the notion that men are inherently owed sexual encounters because of their gender. It’s rooted in outdated and harmful beliefs about male sexuality, assuming it to be an unstoppable force that women are expected to satisfy (Hill & Fischer, 2001). This perspective not only devalues women, but also overlooks the complexity and individuality of male desires and needs.

Sexual Entitlement is Part of Male Socialization
The journey from boyhood to manhood is often navigated through the intricate landscapes of hegemonic masculinity, where sexual entitlement emerges as a critical, yet troubling, milestone. This process instills in males a sense of prerogative over sexual deserving based on being a guy, blurring the lines related to harming others. Such deeply ingrained beliefs lead to a spectrum of adverse outcomes, including sexual violence and assault, underscored by a significant body of research linking sexual entitlement to sexually aggressive behaviors (Bouffard, 2010; Hill & Fischer, 2001; Parkinson, 2016). Beyond the overt acts of violence, male sexual entitlement also drives infidelity and other problematic sexual and intimate behaviors, which are often cloaked in a veil of normalcy that obscures their inherently abusive nature. Society’s tacit endorsement of male sexual adventures, celebrated as badges of masculinity, overlooks the psychological damage and manipulation at play. This normalization process effectively gaslights the very notion of abuse, disguising the exploitation embedded within. The mischaracterization of these behaviors as mere lapses in impulse control fails to confront the real issue: a pervasive entitlement that operates behind the scenes, orchestrating a hidden sexual narrative at the detriment of close relationships and family dynamics. The veil of secrecy not only perpetuates this cycle but also lays bare the full extent of sexual entitlement’s grip on personal and societal norms. Boys and men are groomed to engage in deceptive sexuality, and not see the abuse at all, but instead see it as a normal part of masculinity, that actually increases masculine status and esteem

His whole model of "can't control" vs "don't want to control" resonates with me. I think most women in these situations have had variations on the "it's an addiction" lecture from someone doing nothing to treat said addiction.

Thanks @CassieMaddox! I was married to one of these and the bit about 'entitlement' rang a massive bell (sample conversation: me/what was the point of all that business with the vows, then? him/well, I wanted you to be faithful to me). He was just as bad with the next wife, but she escaped quicker.

I wasn't allowed to divorce him for adultery because it would make him look bad (like anyone was going to read that form!). The children have all got his measure in the end though.

Mine divorced me for adultery as me and DP got together when we were separated. I actually was just too ashamed to want the behaviours on record.

It's only really the last couple of years I've started to be a bit more open and I still feel guilty about it.

ill . Hope you are doing OK now

OMG lightblubs going off left right and centre. The secret sexual basement concept expains what i felt I was living with but could not articulate. Thank you OP

Absolutely no need for you to feel ashamed or guilty! It's annoying that they don't though, isn't it?

It's all ancient history for me, but it was fascinating to read about as a phenomenon.

It's not "annoying" as much as "wired wrong"
My ex was very "woe is me, you are destroying our marriage" (probably still is) and completely refused at any point to acknowledge that his behaviours were not normal and not something any partner would tolerate.

"Male sexual entitlement" describes it beautifully.

This is very useful and interesting, thank you! I'm sorry for what you went through 🙏💐