Adult Daughter's severe mental distress - she refuses contact - any advice?

[ohforgoodnessake]

Originally posted on Parents of Adult Children. Please avoid judgmental responses, things are hard enough as they are. A brief synopsis to avoid drip feeding. DD (20.5) at Uni 2.5 hours drive away from us, starting final year shortly (we think). In a house share with 4 others. She had a difficult time doing A levels with Covid, she was physically attached to her phone for 2/3 years and was quite reclusive. Possibly undiagnosed on autistic spectrum, shy. She started Uni by socially transitioning as transgender, we used just endearments in communication as we did not want to affirm this behaviour, we felt she was too immature to move to medicalization and make major physical changes to her body before she reached a better state of mental maturity. Moving to the last 6 months, she started taking testosterone in May and cut off all communication with us. She has made three (half hearted) attempts on her life now, I am falling apart myself with the stress and worry (I know it's not about me, but just as a Mum who loves her child to the moon). Is there anything I can do to help her ?
Update She has now applied for finance, good news. And her brother is visiting her today for 48 hours.

I have no idea what you can do - we are in a fairly similar position - but just wanted to express my sympathy. If other relatives, such as her brother, can manage to keep in touch that's something positive.

Doesn't the university have some responsibility for student counselling? Maybe you could alert the university student service and request that someone looks out for her.

My heart goes out to you. I'm glad her brother is visiting. I hope your daughter gets the help she needs. You might find talking to other parents helpful. Groups recommended on other threads have been https://ourduty.group/
And
www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

It's possible your DD has declared a formal estrangement between you/your partner and her and the finance might be based on that - she may also be entitled to extra bursaries, etc, because of the estrangement and contact with you would jeopardise that (or at least mean that she's getting the extra funding on false pretenses). So you might find a sort of 'built in' incentive to maintain no contact while she's at uni.

That said, you should be able to register a concern with the uni so that somebody does a check. They are not that likely to give you any info though and will almost certainly be 100% affirming regarding any trans identity so you can't expect any uni support in that way.

For you personally, I suppose you can just continue to send loving messages any way you can and say that your door is always open. It's really helpful if she can maintain contact/relationships with other people in your wider family.

So very sorry OP. It's a particularly toxic aspect of this ideology that young people (including children) are told to cut contact that anyone who fails to immediately affirm or raises any concerns about a young person's safety and wellbeing.

All you can do is calmly and repeatedly remind her of your unconditional love and that you are always here for her. I hope her brother may be able to not only offer support but help to build some bridges.

@Lovelyview @MrsOvertonsWindow @RapidOnsetGenderCritic thank you for your kind words, they are a comfort.
I have registered with Our Duty, looks helpful.

I pray this doesn't happen to me because it's so hard on everyone and it could happen to anyone especially those who are not NT
People do escape cults so keep hoping
Autistic young people often return to home supports after uni
Keep going it's going to be ok for your daughter and for you