I'm so sorry but I just don't dare 😞

[ZeldaFighter]

I've seen wording from my child's school that panders to GI terminology, is potentially unclear and contributes to the slow drip-drip of erasure of women and girls.

I started to write a respectful reply pointing this out but I deleted it.

I need the school to support my child now and in the future. I dare not risk my child's well-being and levels of support by being labelled an evil Terf by young "progressive" teachers. I also can't risk being revealed as a Terf because it could impact my job and future career.

I hate having to stay silent, I feel like part of the problem but I don't want to risk the consequences for my family.

I'm sorry.

Read up on the law, and get creative. There are often other ways to protest, without outing yourself as an evil terf.
Try approaching the same problem from a different direction - like if your neighbour leaves their dog out in the yard, you can make a complaint about noise and dog muck instead of reporting them to the RSPCA.

It's a tricky one op. Could you join the women's rights network and see if someone local can raise it with the school on your behalf.The Cass report and sex matters guidelines could help put it in context. The D of E have also issued guidelines. We understand. Very few of us are completely open about our views.

I feel for you but I definitely understand what you're saying. Could you carefully ask other parents what they think (without immediately putting your pov)?

What does the guidance say. Maybe we could help you write something if you feel able.

I felt as you did until recently, but things really are changing. You might be surprised at the response you get.

I am needing to support my teen DD (probably autistic) at the moment and have discovered that she has been using a different name and pronoun at school, which we were not informed about. I have a meeting with them next week and plan to broach the subject by talking about the recent Cass Review and main points raised.

I pick my battles, but if I see something that is potentially harmful to my children or something that directly effects them, I do speak up. I don't care about being labelled anymore (but I understand your reasoning), but I do try to be fairly coherent and have legitimate arguments planned out before I complain (it can be quite hard not to be angry/emotional when it's you're children).

My kids are in primary school, kids don't get to do primary school again and it's the foundation for everything else.

I am also quick to praise the school as well.

That's terrible. Good luck.

Is there a third party you could get to intervene? I'm not sure which groups deal with this type of case, but I bet there are people here who could tell you.
Maybe someone like Sex Matters, or Possibly Free Speech Union if you feel unable to talk about it.

You are in a classic case of 'adjust your own oxygen mask first'.

You want to be heroic, but you can only do that if you secure your safety, and ensure you're able to fight another day, and another, and another. In this case it seems that means don't write the letter yet, stay vigilant, stay sane, and do what you can when you can.

Sending hugs and strength 💐💪
Not an easy situation 😔

Because women like me put our reputations, careers and livelihoods on the line your daughter is massively less likely to have to shower with middle aged men and your mum is more likely to be able to ask for and get same sex care when she needs her arse wiping.

courage calls to courage.

OP, I'm sharing this thread that I started in case there is anything helpful in it:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/5087175-starting-a-conversation-in-schools-this-pride-month

The KCSIE guidance referred to in it is now live, which is very helpful because conversations around safeguarding children are a good anchor point. If your primary concern is to address the erasure of girls and women, the draft Gender Questioning Children guidance that is referenced in the KCSIE contains lots on girls' toilets and sports. The draft guidance is non-statutory and not yet finalised, but having the document referenced in statutory safeguarding guidance is useful.

Obviously it's no longer Pride month but you never have to wait long for the next one. I think November is trans visibility month, including trans week of remembrance. As @Thelnebriati says, there are definitely lots of creative ways to start conversations. My own have taken place over nearly two years and have taken all sorts of twists and turns. Not all of them much fun (some pretty shit) but a) things are moving along in the right direction over all, specific to my daughter and b) I've not yet been cast out! Obviously time will tell on that one.

Everyone will have their own way of engaging. Mine has been slow and steady, with a focus on difference of belief at the core: I prefer to centre on my lack of belief that we all have a gender identity as the anchor point, rather than me having a "gender critical belief". As it says in the draft Gender Questioning Children guidance, 'gender identity is a contested belief... not everyone thinks that we have a gender identity at all' (paraphrased). Schools have to manage beliefs objectively and without promotion - there is a link to a great article on the thread I've just posted, written by someone in Local Authority SEEN.

You don't have to go in all guns blazing, declaring "I, unlike you, am a terf!". Just remember that most people agree with you, especially when they actually think about it. Don't assume the person receiving your complaint is passionately in favour of the policy. It has probably been lazily signed off by well meaning people who are open to discussion. I do question and politely challenge this sort of stuff, and I've never had a negative reaction. Just approach it like you're an ordinary person with an innocent question (which you are) without apologising for that, and keep all your knowledge and passion up your sleeve like the iceberg under the water!

Preference falsification. Unless we can express opinions, we won't ever have a true picture of what other people believe and will continue to disguise our own, either actively or by not speaking-up.

It's a really shit situation. Are there ways you can raise the issue lightly, and from left. e.g.

I'm delighted that Zeldina will be learning about (e.g.) different family structures next term but am concerned some of the material could be misinterpreted as reinforcing harmful gender stereotypes (etc.).

How wonderful Zeldina will be learning about systems of oppression faced by minoritised peoples. Might the term "identify as a woman" be read as victim-blaming in this context.

How exciting (blah blah), but could the emphasis on declaring pronouns cause discomfort to those trans and non-binary students who are not ready to share their gender identity publicly (contrary to the Yogyakarta Principles).

I really wouldn't quote Yogyakarta. It will just make them think (once they have googled it), "bloody hell, the parent body are really into the trans stuff, we are clearly lightweight dinosaurs and need to go further'.

Ha... yes I guess that's a risk. But if the teachers are the be-kind type who haven't thought much about it, it might just give them pause.

Maybe Zelda could install herself as their new advisor on all things trans!

what is the wording?

The Yogyakarta "principles", especially the later set, are horrendously anti-women. Even one of the original authors has now distanced himself and apologised, saying he hadn't considered the impact on women. PLEASE don't give any more organisations the idea that they should be reading and taking note of them by bringing them up! They need to quietly crumble into oblivion.

I had a personally written (not sent to all pupils) about my son and how well "they" are doing and how "they" have shown all the qualities "they" need.

I just replied that he is very happy with the subject and he is looking forward to continuing to work hard and learn more and I'm very pleased with him also. Him him him he he he 😅

Ask your child's father to put his name to it rather than yours.

Thank you for all the help and support, much appreciated. I'm beginning to think I might raise my points in person so it's much more personal to Zeldina ❤️ thank you for making me feel less useless x

These are helpful resources which I sent to my son's secondary school and they were well received.

Genspect is an international organisation that includes professionals, trans people, detransitioners, and parent groups who work together to advocate for a non-medicalised approach to gender diversity. They have produced some guidance for schools here: https://genspect.org/resources/guidance/guidance-for-schools/

Transgender Trend is a UK organisation advocating for evidence-based care of gender dysphoric children and science-based teaching in schools. Their schools resources can be found here: https://www.transgendertrend.com/schools-resources/

Op what language are the school using?

OP There’s probably a way to raise it that looks helpful. I did the ‘I’ve had a look at the website, but I can’t see all the protected characteristics under the Equality Act mentioned. I’m sure it’s just a typo, would you be able to check and update?’.

I also successfully raised concerns about books that strongly implied that changing clothes / hair turn a boy to a girl (or vice versa) by asking if they had considered the impact on my short haired, trouser wearing dd - how would they ensure that she and her classmates didn’t get the impression that she was actually a boy?