How to talk to 11 year old about this gender stuff for the first time

[NewDogOwner]

Does anyone know any resources or have any info themselves to introduce this stuff to my dd. She has mentioned the words gender and non-binary after I gently told her no use the word sex rather than gender and that there were only 2 sexes. She said non binary people don't want to be called a boy or girl. I want to talk to her and explain these ideas in a non-confrontational but reality based way.

I am particularly worried as I think she is exactly the type of child who could be vulnerable to these ideas as she loves lots of 'boys' things, is starting to develop early and is not happy about this and thinks she might be gay.

I want to explain these terms : gender, non-binary etc and the ideology in a GC , reality based way.

I think she's said it very well, that non binary people don't want to be called a boy or girl, thats exactly right. I wouldn't overreact.

I would say the most important thing of all is to make sure she keeps talking to you. If you're feeling worried about her or about the fact that feelings can now get attached to a very serious set of actions that are supposed to fix them for life, say that it worries you. Honesty and openness.

Tell her it's nonsense and to take it all with a pinch of salt?

Yes, but I need to ask her what she has heard and explain what those words mean.

Say what comes naturally to you. It always looks like there is a perfect way to parent and there isn't. You might get it wrong and actually that's OK. All this perfect parenting is how we got parents to buy into white being possibly black.

You know what you want to say but you are unsure of what words she's ready for in her development journey. I don't think anyone knows those words better than you do. So just spilell it out for her.

She knows what other people want. Great. She'll know what you think. Great. Hopefully she knows that what is in her best interest is also important.

I would take the approach of "they can live their lives and I'll tolerate it, until it encroaches on the rights/ lives of others, or there is an expectation that I'll change my behaviour and language". I don't say they/ them, nor do I want to allow trans women into women's spaces. Think of it as a religion - people have their beliefs, but they can't change your beliefs, not should their beliefs encroach on your life.

I’ve told my DC that gender ideology is akin to a religious belief, inasmuch as people have the right to believe what they like but not to impose those beliefs on others. So it’s obvs fine for a boy to wear a dress etc, and if he wants to believe he’s a girl that’s up to him, but it isn’t true as humans can’t change sex, and it doesn’t (or shouldn’t!) give him the right to use girls’ spaces, compete in girls’ sports or demand others go along with his belief in any other way. I’ve spoken to them about gay rights, same-sex marriage etc as a completely separate issue, because it is.

Stick very much to the facts. Make sure they understand what is meant by sex as opposed to gender and whilst you can identify as different genders, you still stay the same sex.
Discuss stereotypes and why is can be ok as girls to like things that are stereotypically male and vice Versa, or even better, challenge them on why we have these stereotypes and why they are so damaging.
Start here as an 11 year old can understand this and stick to your guns about about sex being not able to be changed, regardless of how much plastic surgery and hormones a person takes, clothes they change etc.
this age group are very accepting of people having different genders so don't dismiss their views on gender.

You then start to point out issues over time - there's plenty in the news which should help them question the whole ideology.

This is how I dealt with it with my daughter and she's pretty clued up
on the whole issue now at 15.
She was very much considering the. Non binary route/ trans at 10 years old. It took time though !

Yep. This.

As her mother, I would be quite strong about it too. We have to respect people who believe all sorts of bonkers beliefs. Half the world’s religions think women do not carry the same worth as men. It doesn’t mean that’s true or worthy. The fact is people can’t change sex and your daughter, whilst needing to understand the value of diplomacy also does not need to ‘be kind’ as a default. Too many girls being brought up to think they have to set themselves on fire to keep others warm.

I'm in a similar but slightly different situation. My daughter is 7 nearly 8, and has been told by 3 boys in her life that JKR is a racist and has been arrested for being a racist. Obviously I said that isn't true, which she's now accepted on the arrested front, but it has taken three separate conversations to explain the idea of critical thinking and not accepting what people say as being true without thinking about evidence and facts.

The challenge I have is explaining why these boys are saying it (they are all a little bit know it all in personality type and have fairly woke parents I'm mum friends with). I'm worried she's just a bit young to understand the idea of gender and why people so disagree with what JKR has said and also is highly likely going to get into a "well my mum says" disagreement with these boys which I don't think they should be having or are in anyway way equipped to deal with at this age.

Ive already said JKR is a total hero and has saved women from Afghanistan never mind what she does for children and girls all over the world, so my daughter knows I love her. I am thinking of saying something about how JKR has opinions that some people don't like but instead of arguing her points they tell lies about her instead. And when it gets to what JKR's actual opinions are I'm thinking of saying I think you are a bit young for it but I'll explain it to you over the next few years.

I really resent that this nonsense has infiltrated her life when she is having the most joyous time discovering the world of Harry Potter. Also really rankled that it was three boys relishing dissing JKR.

Any advice would be welcome.