Experience of rejecting chosen pronouns?

[User4374]

Does anyone have experience of navigating this? I have an older teen DD who is autistic, and consequently we've been through years of debate over gender ideology and our opposing views. About 6 months ago my DD told me I was right all along and she doesn't believe in gender ideology but goes along with it for her friends sake (nearly all trans or non binary) and that she has been called a transphobe online. But now she denies ever having this conversation and seems a staunch believer again.

My dds best friend has identified as trans for a few years, but DD has continued to call them by their real name and pronouns when taking about her at home until recently. I just avoid using any pronouns in their company and use their chosen name, or they if I have to. But recently DD has started to refer to them as he at all times. My non autistic 12 year old privately rolls her eyes about it and I'm able to discuss it with her and she agrees it is a belief like religion and though she doesn't agree she doesn't debate it in front of trans identifying friends of teen siblings or trans pupils in her school.

But my issue is my autistic 6 year old is very confused by it, and he keeps trying to correct his teen sister when she refers to the friend as he and then they argue about it. He doesn't yet understand gender ideology so it's difficult to discuss with him and he is quite black and white. I have asked teen DD to just use the friends chosen name or they instead, so as not to confuse her youngest sibling, and also because it isn't a belief system I agree with, however I am happy to use they to compromise and keep the peace. Dd is furious about this. Is it worth the battle? I don't want my younger two indoctrinated into this belief system. I feel like compromise is the best bet, but am I wrong, and should I encourage my 6 year old to accept the friend is a he?

Tricky OP. You need an age appropriate explanation about how it's not possible to change sex but some people like * believe that it is. So we are respectful / polite and don't argue with them as people must be allowed to think different things.
Just keep it simple and coherent, focus on being respectful and move on.

There are better explanations and I'm sure someone will be along with something better.

If I was your teen DD I'd be furious too.

Her own mother is gaslighting her.

What? Gaslighting doesn't mean somebody disagrees with you, FFS. It means somebody is manipulating you by lying to you about events and accusing you of imagining that these things happened.
You owe the OP an apology for that accusation. It is false.

Alright, then, I withdraw gaslighting

But I would have still been furious, being told that I could not tell the truth, that I was being forced to say things I knew not to be true.

I suppose your DD will just have to get over it. She doesn't get to decide what you teach your other children and she should not be arguing with a six year old autistic sibling over it. That's outrageous behaviour IMO.
She also does not get to control what you believe. They/them should be acceptable to use as a compromise.
I would put my foot down and not allow DD to start fights with your 6 year old over this nonsense.

She didn't do that either. She only asked DD to use the friend's name or they in front of a confused, autistic 6 year old instead of arguing over pronouns. The daughter is the one being unreasonable.

Don't let your older child bully your younger child. 6 year olds aren't developmentally ready to have (illegal, bonkers) transgender ideology rammed down their throat. Recognizing sex is a safeguarding issue also - your 6 year old should not be scared of saying what they see about someone's sex.

The daughter is the one being unreasonable.

For wanting to tell the truth?

*illogical not illegal. Though it is considered abusive to introduce concepts that are developmentally inappropriate in KCSIE, and that would apply especially with your younger child's SEND.

Social transition is not a neutral act according to Cass, please don't force a 6 year old to join in.

You have parental, legal responsibility not a teenager. What you say goes.

And apart from all that your DDs friend is going to need to cope in a world with lots of children (and adults) who see their sex and refuse to have their speech compelled. Not kind to either party to force wrong sex, non standard English pronouns.

@Chersfrozenface - what truth? The eldest daughter's female friend has not magically grown a penis. They are still a female, who has asked to be referred to by male name and pronouns- that's the truth. As for OP, I'd tell youngest that sometimes people ask us to call them something they are more comfortable with, and X has asked us to call them Y.

Her version of "truth" is not shared by her mother.
There is no objective truth there. There is only subjective belief. Mom gets to decide what version the 6 year old is exposed to, not the sibling.
Suppose the teen had a religious or political belief the mom did not agree with and the 6 year old was confused by. She'd be within her rights to ask teen not to make reference to it in front of the six year old.

Beliefs are always open to be challenged. People who think otherwise will become very fragile and inevitably find life very disappointing and distressing.

Exactly. She is going to find life very tough if she can't learn to accept that nobody has to agree with her beliefs.

Isn't that what trans activists are doing when they talk about "misgendering"?

It shouldn't be a problem to identify someone according to their biological sex.

Yeeees... That's how a lot of us feel when we're ordered to call a man with a cock and balls "she"...

@Chersfrozenface I’m not being snarky, although I know it sounds like it, but have you read the OP correctly? Your comments aren’t making sense.