How far would put your convictions/beliefs first?

[Eart]

Would you stick to your beliefs even if it meant losing family?
Ie, you don't accept pronouns changes but you accept female name and make an effort to buy more female cards/gifts etc, compliment hair/make up etc of child

But you've been told that by not using female pronouns or accepting the person whole as a female you'll be cut out of their lives (and lose all your other neices/nephews)

it's a niece/nephew - i'm quite sure pronouns would pop up when, say, asking their parents what i could get them for christmas or whatever.

Walking on eggshells and having an unequal relationship where the other person makes it conditional that you lie and enable them?

It's not healthy, it's not really a relationship, and you're chasing them for affection they obviously don't hold for you. I'm afraid it's a relationship I'd be ok with letting go if at all possible.

I have had a few life sucking, energy sucking, nothing but absorbing another person's crap with a smile like a good little doormat relationships in my life. There's a couple I endure to an extent for the sake of another person in the situation who is reciprocal, (not gender related) but even so it's with very clear boundaries, and a lot of detached distance, and it's time limited.

I am in a situation like this. I have just about gotten used to the new name. I avoid pronouns when speaking with them because I mess them up even when I try to use the preferred version. The rest of the family tend to default back to the original pronouns when the person isn't around.

It's hard and I don't publicly post a lot of what I believe because I know they will be hurt.

Depends so much on the context. Frantic parents desperately trying to keep contact with a child being groomed by others into believing they're in the wrong body?
Your father telling you he's now your mother?
Siblings, cousins, extended family?

Essentially you're being compelled to accept and actively participate in an untruth. That's a tough call and you're balancing personal relationships, maybe the need to safeguard a mentally unwell child or adult and more.

This ideology really does have the potential to trash families doesn't it?

Women are often judged far more harshly than men.

I agree. I've argued with a couple of friends (from the same friend group) over these issues, we haven't fallen out but there were things said, it got heated and we had to agree to disagree. DP is much more to the right than I am, and people just roll their eyes if he comes out with something much less tactful or politically correct about trans stuff, it's tolerated much more by these people. I get penalised for being a woman and a feminist I think.

I agree. I've had to end relationships with family members for lack of reciprocity and toxic, vile behaviour. The relationships were not worth the stress.
It's more complicated when kids are part of the equation, but I've had to let kids go as well, because the parent was intolerable. It hurts, but you can come to terms with it and just hope that the parents get some help to see how unreasonable they have been some day.

"But because I refuse to use female pronouns or say 'niece' I've been cut off."

The ideology is so fragile that no indication of other ideas is allowed (by women apparently).
Maybe ask why your husband is allowed opinions?

Which parent is it that’s cutting you out? If your DH is friends with the dad and the dad doesn’t care much either, they will just ignore the whole thing.

Gender ideology is intensely sexist, so both may simply be extremely sexist…. the mum may have no power over her husband, your DH (or her son), but that’s acceptable to her as all are male and therefore important. You, on the other hand….

So which parent is it that’s causing you bother?

I struggle with this in my social circle (2 transwomen). I use their female names, but I avoid pronouns where possible - though really, you can't speak about people much without using pronouns, or making it obvious that you are avoiding them, which can be an issue in itself. When I do have to use a pronoun, I use "she/her", but internally it gives me the rage. This has the effect that I avoid talking about them.

I will absolutely not refer to them as "woman", "female", "niece" etc., and this part is pretty easy. But fuck me, I get the rage again when other people use these terms for them. I want to say, "Woman is taken. This person is not a woman!"

I try to compartmentalise it by telling myself I need to separate the personal from the political - but the personal IS political.

I'd use whatever name someone wanted and I'd be willing to refrain from talking about trans issues at all to a family member who thought very differently to me. If we did discuss it I'd be very gentle about it instead of stating my position plainly like I usually do. I'd compliment their appearance if I actually liked the way they looked, but wouldn't give false fawning 'so stunning and brave' compliments if I didn't. I avoid strongly gendered items as gifts anyway where I can - I manage to find cards that aren't pink or blue with stereotype images!

I'd be willing to avoid using third person pronouns altogether. I would not use female pronouns for a male person, nor would I refer to that person as a woman or girl and pretend I thought they were one. If that's the dealbreaker for someone, that's sad, but they don't command my speech, my perceptions or my conscience. I'll be waiting for them if/when they come out the other side of it.

So far, everyone in my extended family I've discussed it with has turned out to be GC though.

Sometimes people who draw a hard line get much less pushback than people who try to be accommodating but are seen as not being accommodating enough.

Maybe try not to overthink this or get too worked up. The whole trans thing is coming under increased scrutiny and will probably not be an issue in the next few years. They are pressuring you and not your husband because you are participating in the drama and he is not. Shrug, explain you understand how they feel and you hope everyone finds happiness in whatever identity they have picked and then go water some plants.
You can still show love and concern for the family which is all you need to do in the long run. The parents probably feel stuck between family saying one thing and medical professionals saying another. It’s an extremely difficult situation for everyone to navigate.

I won't be a part of it.

Just as if someone in my family announces that they believe they are Napoleon. I will not aid and abet a lie.

If that person or their parents cut off contact then that's their loss not mine.

This is about control. Your husband has refused to be controlled. You are seen as malleable. Have you discussed this with him? You need allies.

Complimenting hair / makeup - do you do that with women generally? I never do. A general 'you're looking well' is as far as I'd go, and that's really only for someone who has had recent challenges of age or illness. I refrain from telling young people that they've grown, though that sometimes takes a mighty effort.

But just as I don't use third person pronouns for referring to people, having been trained since early childhood that it's rude (in my day it also was not the norm in academic citation - always the name, not the s/he), I don't make comments of appearance, including makeup etc. because that also seems personal and discourteous.

Gifts - they can have an Amazon token and buy what they want.

I'd stubborn enough that I'd be prepared to do my own thing and refuse to be shunted into a position where I'm having to shape my interactions with other human beings around either their sex or their assumed gender. If that means doing without some of the more boring members of my family or community, so be it.

Very perceptive.

Mercifully I have no family members who would get into this cult, so the situation won't arise, because I'd be quite prepared to cut anyone off for this. I have one slight acquaintance who was pushing the bullshit that her boyfriend is her girlfriend. I don't know if she's been gaslit or is a true believer or just stupid, but after seeing her wanting supplies to make a lesbian flag for this obvious AGP, I'm making sure I never spend time near her again.

Years ago I was in a dilemma, nothing to do with any feminist issue, and ended up taking a position rooted in basic religious/moral belief (telling the truth and keeping my word) and in Trades Union membership. It made me unpopular with some former friends, but I found others who were supportive and who also had principles and understood the underlying process.

That was decades ago, and I have never regretted it.

Tricky for you, OP. A bit easier than if they were your child but still difficult. Follow your conscience and do what your husband does. If it's OK from him, then the issue your nieces and nephews have isn't really about you supporting/not supporting. But you make sure your DH supports you to them.

A while ago, I read a blog posted on Helen Joyce's X/Twitter account from a detransitioner. She analysed the process of transitioning and drew parallels with addiction. If you think of it like that, you will see that it is as if you are being asked to contribute money to fund this person's crack habit. You have been put in a dreadful position by this part of your family.

Another way of looking at it is that the parent(s) are prepared to cut themselves and their children off from everyone. It may well be nothing you have or haven't done, you're just a handy excuse to trial the process of total separation from the outside world to perpetuate/protect the trans identity against all outsiders. Closing ranks like this to create some sort of isolated 'us against the world' bubble isn't healthy and may well cause the other children to be resentful as they grow up as they come to understand how their wider relationships have been sacrificed.

Great point by Snowypeaks

I often notice in detransitioners' writings that they mention the drive for control, and separating everyone into the successfully controlled and the not successfully controlled who are excluded from the social circle. It's not unpicked enough how the pronouns business is actually a very rapid establishment of power and submission.

Well, you could ‘blame’ your DH, since he seems to get away with being truthful. Present a united front, as it were. ‘We’ not me.

I know that this will not go down well with most people on this board 🐀

dunno,

'DH, as you know, agrees with me and we've decided not to bother to hide that.

Sauce for the gander sauce for the goose. How's our nephew Tom, what does he think of the Olympics, how he's grown, that skirt isn't a flattering length'.

They don't even move into compounds like other cultists - they require the submission of wider society (or at least the women in it).

I read a novel recently set in Maoist China. A character who's done nothing wrong gets sentenced to hard labour (and likely death) because we know in your heart you do not truly love the Communist party.

As other posters have pointed out, nothing you do will ever be enough to show the correct level of belief for these people. Funny how it's worked out ok for your husband.