Man at work making me very uncomfortable

[Uncomfortableatwork]

There is a man at work who is in his 60s. He is well known for making women uncomfortable - openly stares at their bums/breasts (until they notice - think he gets a kick out of doing it) and makes a lot of odd comments.

Recently he has started ‘presenting as a woman’ and has been turning up in what I can only describe as fetish gear - tight leather skirts/leggings, spike heels, that kind of thing. All very tight and revealing. He clearly wants people to notice and ‘poses’ around the office trying to catch your eye.

He has been making a lot of remarks about transphobes and I’m quite certain before long he will be ‘asserting his rights as a woman’ and wanting to use our toilet etc.

What, if anything, can I do if this happens? I resent the clear sexual overtones of his behaviour in the workplace, and find him beyond creepy, but ‘can’t say anything’

Your first port of call is your HR team. Has anyone brought the leering etc up to them?

And if he’s in fetish gear of some sort then surely he’s breaking the office dress code? I mean, there’s “bring your whole self to work” but I’d have thought this would be too much of a stretch.

I don’t know if anyone else has reported it, I haven’t but I don’t think there would be much they could do, he would just deny it I suppose. Any more comments and I’ll definitely report.

Our dress code is office casual but the managers are basically allergic to upsetting staff in any way, so I really can’t see that being a line of enquiry sadly.

The whole thing feels bloody ridiculous, I should be able to work without a man in soft fetish gear trying to catch my eye. It makes me really angry that it’s probably a power play and enjoying us being repressed and unable to say anything, rather than simply ‘being who he is’

If the clothing would be inappropriate on a woman to the point you would raise it with HR or management then it’s fine to raise it about this colleague. If it’s borderline then it depends on how revealing it is, eg is it outlining his genitals or nipples?

Behaviour wise, I’d try and grey rock the posing and catching of your eye, because it is so subjective on whether it’s appropriate or not. But definitely keep a record of any inappropriate comments and staring at your body. It’s also fine to respond to any such gaze/ comment with a calm request to stop as it makes you feel uncomfortable. Then any repetition of that unwanted behaviour becomes harassment and that’s much easier to get HR to act on rather than random one off comments.

Even before he dressed in his fetish gear, how did he get away with staring at women and not getting into trouble with HR?

Please don't say you are forced to call him by a female name.

I’d leave I’m afraid. Any company that indulge this misogyny and inappropriate behaviour is not the organisation for me.

I'd be very careful about going to HR. HR are there to make life easy for the company, not you - they are not on your side. A union might be better, depending on the union.

I'd start keeping a record of any incidents, and try to get these corroborated by others as you'll need evidence. I'd certainly be discussing this quietly with other women who you believe have experienced harassment.

I know I would 100% get fired in this situation lol I cannot keep my mouth shut especially when someone is obviously making people uncomfortable. I have been known to say out loud to a few pervy men like this "when you have finished staring at everyone's tits can you please do this or do that" I do appreciate that as a woman it can be intimidating confronting a man but like I said I can't help myself and my gob has got me into trouble a few times. I would tell this bloke that he looks fucking ridiculous in his fetish gear and maybe suggest a nice wig and some lipstick and I would go out of my way to make him feel uncomfortable but like I said I would 100% get fired. The world has gone fucking crazy

I doubt he has a gender recognition certificate so under current law he has no lawful right to use the women's toilets, and your employer has to offer toilets that are sex segregated.

The problem is there is a bad culture at your workplace, and not all employers follow the law. Staff didn't feel able to challenge his behaviour when he was sexually harassing you, and it will be more difficult to do so now.

I think you are at the point where you have to consider that your employer does not have your back, they could make life even more difficult for you, and so its time to look for another job. Its not fair but unfortunately, that's how it is.

Whether or not he has a GRC, he still has no automatic right to use female toilets, as providing them easily falls under the scope of ‘proportionate means of achieving a legitimate aim’ I.e. the privacy and dignity of female staff.

I actually reported a male in the female toilets in a shopping mall - my teenage daughter encountered him staring at at her and making her feel uncomfortable. I thought it wouldn’t be taken seriously once I’d given a description, but actually was told to call 999 I’d this happens again.

Time to start politely and firmly asserting your boundaries OP. Keep a diary of his behaviour too.

@Uncomfortableatwork I agree start by talking to your TU rep. Please talk to them don’t email, WhatsApp etc. Sadly a lot of TUs are captured so written communications can come back to bite you.

Focus on the staring and comments, ideally have a timeline to back you up. State you are very concerned their behaviour is escalating and is unacceptable sexual harassment in the workplace. Point out that action now may stop a more serious incident.

You can explain how the clothing is inappropriate using (sorry) gender neutral words e.g. you can see their buttocks, their genitals etc. The difficulty is that unless you have a dress code the issue will be would a woman be asked to dress more appropriately.

Then with or without the TU raise it with HR, again I would talk to someone first. Point out they have a duty of care to protect female employees from unwanted and unlawful sexual harassment.

@Uncomfortableatwork I have deliberately added this as a separate post as it may get deleted. I would be using the words autogynaephillia and paraphillia’s such as voyeurism and exhibitionism whilst also recommending Debbie Hayton’s book about AGP vs gender incongruence.

I’d leave I’m afraid. Any company that indulge this misogyny and inappropriate behaviour is not the organisation for me.

I'd have to leave too, I know that isn't much help! The problem is that this kind of dominance display behaviour is part of the attraction to some males of cross dressing, the control elements and gaslighting, particularly of women are particularly appealing. They don't respect women and it can be very difficult to call it out for what it is in the current landscape.

It makes me really angry that it’s probably a power play and enjoying us being repressed and unable to say anything, rather than simply ‘being who he is’

Yes it sounds that way.

Yuk OP that sounds horrible.

Men who behave like this are beyond creepy and it's very hard to report.

The pretending to be a woman thing just adds a whole additional barrier to reporting because we all know we will potentially be called a transphobe as a result.

I'd be looking for a new job.

And if I got one, would be entirely honest at the exit interview why I was leaving.

Agree, under react to his power play if you can manage it [vom] and when you leave, tell them why.
in the meantime, act like you haven't noticed him, his cabaret, his circus, his trans monkeys. Just ho hum weather is good exression. Bon Courage.

Well, he is 'being who he is' which is an abusive creep.

All this 'be your whole self' is nonsense. Do companies really want to employ sexual harassers? Abusers? Narcissists who can't dress appropriately? I'm guessing he's not the most productive employee if spending all his time intimidating / harassing others rather than doing his job.

I too would avoid as much as humanly possible and then would try and get another job. I suspect you'll find there's a lot of turnover in your company compared to others.

In a fantasy world where I won the lottery and had millions of pounds I'd turn up in the exact same outfit as him and then point out the double standards when my manager tried to discipline me. Then take them to court.

If managers are allergic to upsetting staff then they shouldn't want this man upsetting staff.

Also deciding not to ask for help with sexual misconduct because he would deny it is pre judging the outcome, again if they don't want staff upset then tolerating sexual misconduct is not the way to go about it.

Get your camera out and record what he's doing. If managers approve of his behaviour then they are not actually allergic to upsetting staff they are completely useless as humans. Leave the job if that's the case.