Not gender related - just hoping for some good advice

[HidingmyTrueIdentity2024]

I've name changed and I'm posting here because i know you are all wise, experienced women. I hope you can guide me. My child has done something really bad. There are some extenuating medical circumstances on his behalf but not really.

I just want to disappear. Run away, even end it all. I'm sure it's menopausal hormones but I'm so ashamed, so mortified by what my child has done. They are being punished at home and school are satisfied it's been dealt with.

But how do I carry on?

The whole point of adults guiding children is that we help them to behave in a better way. I think you’ve internalised the shame but you’d be better off taking a step back and figuring it what this child needs so that s/he can behave better.
Also, take this event as the push you need to get some counselling about why it’s triggered you so much. I hope you’re ok x

You are doing the right things. You are a mother and human and I'm sure it's a completely natural reaction.

That said, some counselling could definitely help.

If there are some medical circs is there any extra support you can tap into for him to make sure it doesn't happen again? And he learns properly from his mistakes?

Deep breath. Your child needs you. Your child is still a "work in progress" and no matter what they have done this is not who they will always be. They still have room to develop and learn to do better in future, and as a parent you can help them learn that.

A couple of some suggestions- do what you can to help your child put it right and accept the consequences that you and the school (or others) have imposed.

Depending on exactly what they did your child might be included in a formal scheme for young offenders, or you might be offered a parenting group for difficult kids. If so then support that. Those schemes can be very helpful and positive even though it's painful to think of your own child in that way.

Also - it may depend on your child's age - but if possible don't just think in terms of punishment and depriving them of things: also get them to do something that is beneficial to other people as part of their consequences. For example your child can do some chores at home because that's beneficial; or spend time doing something that helps others.

And as @Scotcheggz wisely says, do take care of yourself too. Parenting can take us places we never never thought we'd have to go. Wishing strength to you.

Take a closer look at your child's friends. See if they have been an influence in this behaviour. I've seen examples where an otherwise normal child has been led astray by more feral kids. But bear in mind this is not an opportunity to shift blame. The purpose is only to identify possible sources of bad influence.

I'm not sure that anyone can really advise without knowing what age your child is, what the extenuating circs are, and what was done, to be honest. I'm not suggesting you share these details, but without them, it's very hard to comment.

This could be a 5 year old calling someone names, or it could be a 17 year old committing a serious crime.

I don't generally subscribe to 'punishment' (or 'reward') with my children, that's about all I can say.

You carry on because this is a moment in time and things will not always be this way.

You need to make a plan of action. Give yourself steps to follow to drag yourself through this really shitty, dark part.

What do you need to know?
Where has this behaviour come from?
What's happening in his life?
What are the sources of help?

Just try & put your energy into moving forward x

I lived in fear of mine misbehaving as he got older, because he was extremely challenging as a little one.
As it happened he settled down and we didn’t experience even the usual teen drama/truama.

But I will never forget that we parent our children and hope and pray it works. We have no guarantee. It could happen to the best of us, particularly with boys.

I often feel our job is to keep them alive and out of prison till their brain is almost finished which is about 25 for boys. Then they seem to be a bit more resilient and less likely to go wrong. Up to that age, it’s a struggle!

In addition to keeping up the intense parenting, look after yourself. It’s a long road.

One foot in front of the other, OP, one step at a time, it's the only way forward.
While it's bad that you are internalising all the shame for what your child has done, it's positive that you are facing up to its seriousness and you aren't in denial or defensive.

There's a middle ground somewhere: yes it's your child, yes you raised them, but no, you can't make everything about your child perfect and no, it wasn't you who did the bad thing.
Wishing you all the help, support and strength you need and help and support for your child to come out of this bad situation as well as possible.

If he is still at school then he is still learning.

Make sure he takes the punishment and then address the issue with him and does he understand what he did and why it was wrong. And then take it from there.

You can’t assume responsibility for your child’s offences. From the limited details posted I suspect your child is old enough to have known better, has some kind of previously known learning/behavioural issue and has done something really socially unacceptable or even cruel but not criminal.

The suggestions of consequences involving doing things for others is a good one as it will encourage empathy and improve your child’s feeling of self worth - much better than just straight up penalties affecting only your child. will also make a repeat of behaviour less likely.

So, if addressed it can be dealt with and will hopefully be a nine day wonder rather than something that colours the rest of their school life. If you feel there are people who can’t/won’t let the matter go to the extent it affects the way others may treat your child going forward you may have to consider changing schools - not to avoid dealing with the thing but to make sure your child is able to move on.

Whatever you do please don’t beat yourself up. People who care for you will see you for who you are - as for the rest? They don’t matter.

OP, mind yourself. You need to put your own oxygen mask on first. Is there a support group for parents you could join? Can you access counselling? The right professional help can help you increase your internal resilience.

For today, rest; make a bullet point list of 3 practical things you need to do and tick them
off as you do them; try to get some fresh air either in your garden/patio or by going for a walk . Try to contact a person you trust to support you - if you have no one, please keep posting here for advice.

A really good support network on here is available depending on your child’s age
Parenting
Parenting teenagers
SEN support

You will get through this - try to keep communication open with your child.